Monday, 21 May 2007

Sad old git...

I really am becoming a sad old git.

No, I really mean it!

Today, I caught a train after 9.00am, as it saves my old firm money, and, by then, I’ve already done a couple of hours work at home, (which we all do in our incredibly successful enterprise - I wish...).

Now, I’m with the majority of normal people, that hates other people eating crisps with their mouths open, gabbling into mobiles incessantly (I do make the odd call, but I promise, I speak softly), shouting stupid rock-ape statements to their mates etc. We’ve all had to put up with this.

But today, I discovered a new disturbance - or even unpleasantness. For years, Southern Rail, (or whatever they call themselves now), had those awful trains, which used to leak water/draft/smell, and, at long last, they’ve replaced them with some quite nice new carriages. The usual yobs have stuck chewing gum in awkward places, and scratched names (those who can write that is), on some windows, but generally, things are nicer now, and the trip is reasonably pleasant.

But today, I became unreasonably pissed off by the most ridiculous action even I could dream up!

A lad got on the train at the station after me. I was sitting in one of the pairs of seats, which are built like those in buses; i.e. all point forward, and you don’t need to sit opposite a gorgeous blonde (help...), or a Stella drinking crisp crunching oaf.

The lad chose a seat to my left, on the other side of the central reservation.


But he sat sideways, so he was facing me all the time!

Now, to those who know me, I only get cross when provoked beyond 32 alcoholic units, but this journey was uncomfortable, irritating, mildly paranoid, and, to be frank, I wanted to yell at him to sit straight and behave.

The lad carefully bought his ticket from the guard, he didn’t talk on his mobile phone, he sometimes even turned round in his seat the proper way! Then turned round and sat facing me…sideways again! I became incandescent and began early palpitations - well slight twinges from the gussett...

When we got off at London Bridge, the lad was also getting off there, and I began to fume again, expecting a charge in front of me. As we queued to get to the doors, he incredibly politely, smilingly indicated for me to get off before him.

Oh bugger, I am getting so old…


Old BE said...

I didn't know you could still buy tickets from the Guard - in fact I didn't know there were still Guards!

Tuscan Tony said...

When I was on the 7.05am Haslemere-Waterloo express around 250 years ago, and someone started up (phone calls, noisy slurping of station buffet tea etc.) I would slowly and deliberately insert a digit up a nostril, have a really, really thorough Gordon Brown-level prod and dig, withdraw the contents, inspect, and move my finger towards my mouth. The annoyance usually (though not always) ceased. The other backup stunt I used (when ladies were present) was to follow each slurp of the straw by the irritator with a loud slurp from yours truly, no drink in hand. The penny always dropped.

Sen. C.R.O'Blene said...

Evening Ed,

The guard annonces his arrival, 'kenIseeyerticketspleaseanyonenotshown'emyet'.

Luckily, my cheap-day ticket is always ensconced in the shirt pocket - which will allow Mrs S to unfunction the washing machine and retrieve the soggy mass the following week!

The guard has a machine which somehow can connect with America and take dosh from your Amex card immediately! If they knew the sort of people that were doing this at Amex, I'm sure they would rub their hands and shout from the rooftops, or in this case, the fragile roof of Tunbridge Wells station.

Evening Tony,

First, please don't brag about being on the 7.05am. That is just one-upmanship!

What a gardening tip you've described! Brown's awful social habits will be pilloried for years! (Thanks to Guido of course)!

As you are famous, and Sue Grabbit and Run are whizzing around in all directions on your behalf, I reckon your 'slurp' should be on YouTube!

What a fantastic idea that is, and somehow, should bring on the idea for another blog item...

Electro-Kevin said...

I travel passenger a lot in my work (train driver). I notice how insufferable people really are - there is always at least one person spoiling what could be a pleasant journey; the loud 'personal' stereo, the person snorting continuously rather than using a handkerchief, the LOUD telephone user. The other day I got on a nice Virgin and found the only seat remaining - the lady in front of me wrestled with her broadsheet newspaper for the whole hour and 1/2 journey... to be cont.

Electro-Kevin said...

Then there is the swearing.

The other day I was on an empty carriage and I had my bag on the seat next to me - an old man got on and insisted on sitting in that very seat...

...when you do that, Scrobs, then you know you've made it to old gitdom.

Sen. C.R.O'Blene said...


I assure you now that I will never ask you to remove your bag!

I went to sleep once with a very attractive lady sitting on my right.

When I woke up, there was another, equally attractive lady in the same seat, and somehow, I felt as though life was not always as bad as we crack it up to be...

Old BE said...

One evening an amusing and well spoken man started baiting the mobile users by announcing loudly

"I don't have a mobile, I'm not going to be late back so don't put the dinner in the oven" etc.

He went on for about five minutes. Half the carriage were chuckling and the other half were seething because he was interrupting their phone calls!!