Friday 25 August 2023

Craggy Island threnody - an intermission...

Scrobs is still drafting the exciting denouement to the rather tiresome episodes about the shenanigans on Craggy Island.

The characters of the story are still in a stage of inter-minglement, and while a much more important issue is being raised concerning the disgraceful attempts to silence the brilliant author of the original series, Mr Graham Linehan, any Google search might throw up a connection to this site, (do you really think so - Ed), and I would much rather that he was afforded the proper focus on his plight, which appears to be organised by those who perpetrate the general ability with the caber in The Highland Games!

The eventual story will squeak and bang to a conclusion when the writers' block has been eliminated or whatever it's called...

Senor Conrad Roberto O'Blene.

Wednesday 16 August 2023

Craggy Island threnody - Pt 2...

(The 'story' so far: - Father Ron O'Blene has been sent to Craggy island by Bishop Brennan, (Len), for an unknown reason. Mrs Doyle knows something, and the plot thickens, rather like the arteries on Father Jack's drinking arm...)

Father Ted : - (answering the door bell, which is sounding continuously as though someone is leaning on it), "Ron! My dear old friend, bring yourself inside and come and make yourself at home"!

Father Ron : - "Who the feck are you..."?

Father Ted : - "Ron, it's me, Ted Crilly; we were at Theological College together"!

Father Ron : - "Now where was that then - was it near Athlone, Co. Westmeath? Or was it somewhere else then..."?

Father Ted : - "No, it wasn't Athlone, they barred us from there after the incident at the hurling, so we finished up in Galway, where nobody knew us, thank goodness"!

Father Ron : - "The hurlin' you say? (drops fag end on the floor, and Mrs Doyle immediately rushes out of the kitchen with a dustpan, making bleating noises), I don't remember no hurlin', just getting beaten up by the Garda once..."!

Father Ted : - "That was the reason why, Ron, we were playing their local team, and you smashed your stick over the head of their number 5, then their number 3"!

Father Ron : - "I was never much good there, Aaah yes, I remember now, I was aiming at their number 4"! He once booked me for driving wit'out lights on! The bastard! I didn't know it was his car"!

Father Ted : - "But you went on to play the rugby though, surely you remember that Ron"!

Father Ron : - "Aaah, now you're talkin'! The Rugby! Now that's a man's game! Plenty of beer, action and the girls..."! (Stares into the middle distance, wistfully.)

Father Ted : - "Er, Ron, we were training to be priests, and, the opposite sex wasn't - er - part of our vocation now, was it"!

Father Ron : - "You speak for yourself Crilly, me and Father Oisin had several visits to Our Lady's Convent after lights out! You should remember, you came with us once and we got through two whole bottles of Bushmills one night! Sister Assumpter did the 'Dance of the Seven Habits' on the refectory table..."!

Father Ted : - "Oh my Dear God, Ron, you musn't mention that to Father Jack, he'll go mental"!

(Dougal is listening at the door)...

Father Dougal : - "What's this Ted, dancing without the habits? Jack's asleep anyway"! 

Father Ted : - "Dougal, not a word of this to anyone, especially Father Jack"!

Father Dougal : - "Len always banged on about bad habits didn't he! Then we saw the video of him bollock naked...."!

Father Ted : - "Dougal, SHUT UP! Father Ron and I need to discuss a few things before Jack wakes up! Mrs Doyle, will you show Ron to his room please"?

(Mrs Doyle wanders around in a daze, with a stupid grin on her face).

Mrs Doyle  : - "Will you come this way, Father O'Blene? I've made up your bed, and put a spare bottle of whiskey on your window cill for medicinal purposes"! (She bows and scrapes as Ron O'Blene staggers towards the stairs belching loudly)! "I know you'll like the scenery from your window, Father! If you look carefully, you'll see the gardens of the local girls' school, and they're out there now, playing their little games in their gymslips! Father Jack used to like this room, but Father Ted banned him a few months ago, as he bought a telescope from Exchange and Mart, and spent all day up here! We had to tell the Garda that he was a keen astronomer, but they took away his telescope all the same"!

Father Ron : - "Mrs Doyle, I seem to remember you from way back, did you ever know Mrs O'Shaughnessy of Newbridge Road"?

Mrs Doyle  : - "Now Father, why would you want to know that then? (she flutters her eyelashes, and starts bleating again). Mrs O'Shaughnessy was a good friend, and it's only through Pat O'Shaughnessy that we'd have ever met..."(looks wistfully into the middle distance).

Father Ron : - "Ya' see Mrs Doyle, she came to confession one day last year, and afterwards, mentioned that you and Pat used to visit the rugby club bar when they were playing at home, and that he was getting a bit keen on the stout one evening, and needed some other sort of recreation, and some eejit mentioned doing a 'Zulu Warrior' on the bar table, and he pointed at me...! D'ya remember that then"?

Mrs Doyle  : - (wringing her hands and simpering wildly, staring in all directions). "Oooh, I can't remember that far back Father, you'd best forget all about it, and I'll fetch you some tea"!

Father Ron : - "Mrs Doyle, it's all coming back to me now, you were there that night, weren't you..."!

Mrs Doyle  : - (wringing her hands), "Well maybe just a little bit of the time, I was only - er - helping Mrs O'Shaughnessy wit' the pots and pans, but I did have a little peep..."!

Father Ron : - (looking mystified, then happy, then grumpy), "Well, it all happened a long time ago, so we'll forget all about it shall we then..."!

Mrs Doyle : - "Best forgotten, yes"! (she does one more glance in his direction and escapes out of the bedroom door, bumping into Dougal, who is listening at the keyhole).

Father Dougal : - (grinning inanely) "What was all that about? You and Father Ron? But you're fine Mrs Doyle, I'll not tell anyone - not a single soul"!

(Mrs Doyle yelps and rushes away down the stairs, bleating and generally dusting everything she can see).


(Dougal enters the sitting room).

Father Dougal : - (grinning inanely), "Ted, what's all this about Father Ron and the rugby at Trinity? You were there weren't you? Was Father Jack? and who else might have been there...(thinks, then brightens up with a shriek). "It was Bishop Brennan, wasn't it, It was Len! Len the priest with the love child"! (Dougal scampers around the room with joy).

Father Ted : - "Dougal, SHUT THE FECK UP and sit down! We're not supposed to let all this scuttlebuck get out of hand! (fumbles a cigarette from a pack and lights up nervously, then quietens down a bit). "It's all complicated you see, Father Ron, Bishop Len Brennan and I were all old mates back then, but after the - er - issue with the 'Zulu Warrior' episode, there was a certain amount of friction, and no mistake! But we decided to put all that behind us, and here we are, all good friends again - er - except for Len Brennan that is..."!

(The door opens and Father Ron enters).

(to be continued)...

Friday 4 August 2023

Craggy Island threnody - Pt 1...

Craggy Island - 
Breakfast time.

Father Ted : -"Morning Father Jack"!

Father Jack : -"Feck off"!

Father Ted : -"Oh, well, yes, of course, - er - Dougal, what are you doing with that magazine? We don't take that sort of thing here you know"!

Father Dougal : -"Awww, I know Ted, but it's all about these people who are told to go and stay on a small island, and fend for themselves! It's a brand new experience"!

Father Ted : -"Dougal, you don't actually realise why we're all here on Craggy Island do you"?

Father Dougal : -"Len told me I had to come here Ted! I never did find out why, but it's better than Blackrock and no mistake"!

Father Ted : -"Dougal, 'Blackrock' was the main reason why you're here for God's sake"!

Father Dougal : -"Father Jack wasn't at Blackrock, but he's here"!

Father Ted : -"I know Dougal, but Bishop Len wanted him to be among friends while he - er - recovered"!

Father Dougal : -"What does he need to recover from then Ted?"

(Ted is just about to answer, when the door opens and Mrs Doyle enters pushing a trolley with an enormous two gallon teapot and some breakfast things.)

Mrs Doyle : -"Morning Fathers; time for breakfast, and here's the post! Tea"?

Father Ted : -"Aaah, thank you Mrs Doyle, nothing like a good breakfast to start the day, is there"!

(Mrs Doyle fiddles around filling huge cups of tea. Ted opens a letter with his knife, and scans the contents).

Father Ted : -"Haaah! Well, this is good news indeed! We're going to be joined by an old friend of mine from Theological College! (he reads on and his mood changes), "He's coming here on Bishop Len's orders, to 'mend his ways', and start taking life seriously again! Hmmm, you knew Father O'Blene didn't you Father Jack"?

Father Jack : -"That fat arse! Feck off"!

Father Dougal : -"There was something about Father O'Blene in my magazine, Ted! I'll find it for you"!

Father Ted (hastily, and hiding the letter from Mrs Doyle): - "Father O'Blene has - er - been - er - caught - no, no, he's been seen - er - in a place where he might have been - er - best not seen..."!

Mrs Doyle : -"That wouldn't be the incident at the Trinity rugby club now would it Father"?

Father Ted : -"How did you hear about that then, Mrs Doyle"?

Mrs Doyle : -(patting her hair and simpering)"Oh, just - er - rumours, Father, nothing more"! (exits, making sheep eyes to nobody in particular).

Father Dougal : -"Did Father O'Blene do the same sort of thing you did before you came here then Ted"?

Father Ted : -"Dougal, I've told everyone until I'm blue in the face, that the money was just 'resting' in my account, for God's sake"!

Father Dougal : -"So Father O'Blene won't know about that then Ted, will he, although he knew you from College"?

Father Ted : -"Dougal, I've had enough of this, now get on with your pop-tarts"!

Father Dougal : -"I wonder if Father O'Blene will like Mrs Doyle's pop-tarts, Ted! What's his given name by the way"?

Father Ted : -(chuckling in recall) "It's Ron O'Blene, Dougal, and he was the life and soul of Mass every Sunday, always whispering during the sermons, and farting in the quiet bits! Of course, we were all very young then, and wouldn't dream of doing that sort of thing now"!

Father Dougal : -"Jack farted during Mass last week, and the week before! And he belched several times too"! (waves hand in front of his face).

Father Ted : -"Dougal, Jack has a serious problem, and we don't make light of his bodily functions! I know he likes a drink, but he was once a staunch believer in looking after the fallen men and women, and it seemed to Bishop Len, that he'd begun to like them just a little too much, so he came here for a short three-week stay"!

Father Dougal : -"When would that have been then, Ted"?

Father Ted : -"About seven years ago now...! Time flies, doesn't it Father Jack"!

Father Jack : -"Feck off"!

Father Ted : -"I see Father Jack has got out of bed the wrong way again, Dougal"! (chuckles)

Father Dougal : -"Jack didn't get to bed last evening Ted, he slept all night in his chair"!

Father Ted : -"Now Dougal, we shouldn't judge Father Jack like this, those stairs are a challenge to anyone who is - er - tired, he probably decided to watch some late television, or something"!

Father Dougal : -"Ah, so that's why the remote shows one of those Polish channels then, I wondered what there was to see in a programme which has girls dancing with just Poles"!

(Mrs Doyle enters with yet another huge teapot, and begins filling several cups which are placed all over the room).

Mrs Doyle : -"There's a car outside, Father, it's been driving back and forth for half an hour now, and the driver keeps swerving towards the gate, then driving off again! I think he might be lost"!

(Ted rushes to the window, followed by Dougal. A car screeches to a halt in the drive having hit the gate post, and a dishevelled figure emerges, looking decidedly the worse for wear).

Father Ted : -(excitedly) "It's Ron; my old chum from College, He's here already! Come on Dougal, we'll give him a hand with his luggage"! (They rush out the front door).

(to be continued...)