Friday 30 May 2008

Lake -Tat...

“The Lakelander Emporium of Tat PLC is pleased to announce that, with immediate effect:

Di Trubes has been appointed Marketing Director.

Grumpy Granny has been appointed Director of Corporate Communications.

Kevin Electro has been appointed Director in charge of Logistics.

S C R O'Blene has been appointed Property Director”.

(Note to Mr Lander, Chairman - or can we call you ‘Lake’),

Having visited the offices of ‘Shaddup and Lissen’, (Estate Agents) yesterday, I have been given particulars of the above property, which I recommend to the board.

The rent on this building is within the guidelines as set out during the inauguration meeting. For posterity, the photograph of the meeting is also attached. This was taken at the exact moment that we heard that our newest supplier (‘Beast an’ Pieces’), had opened a small business in Tuscany!

Can I respectfully suggest; 'Lake' (!!), that we invite other suppliers to offer items to the 'Emp'.? I'm particularly interested in some of Miss Binstock's special photographs which she has kept hidden for many a year. Also, a certain Doris Webley-Bullock is threatening to sell us several five-litre 'cubis' of Chateau Dieppe. She is not a person to shake a stick at I understand...

Simeon Cardew Ricardo O'Blene
Director of Property

Wednesday 21 May 2008

For Philipa (from a cell in Tenterden nick...)

Extract from an interview in Tenterden Police Station…

Inspector Knocker (IK)
S.C.R.O’Blene (Scrobs)
Constable Onnstable (CO)

(IK) ‘So; you’ve been spotted taking photographs of jewellers and other shops in the town then… SIR?’

(Scrobs) ‘Well, err… yes, but all pretty harmless stuff Officer’!

(IK) ‘But these shops contain valuable items of an expensive nature Mr Blene…!’

(Scrobs) ‘Er…O’Blene if you please Officer…’

(IK) ‘Make a note of that Constable…’

(CO) ‘Right Sir’.

(IK) ‘So why the photographs anyway?’

(Scrobs) ‘They’re for a friend Officer…’

(IK) ‘And your friend’s name is…?’

(Scrobs) ‘”Philipa” Officer!’

(IK) ‘ And where does she live then Mr Blene?’

(Scrobs) ‘Er…O’Blene if you please Officer…’

(IK) ‘Make a note of that Constable…’

(Scrobs) ‘Well, er… I don’t actually know Officer…’

(IK) ‘Don’t know! Don’t know! Well, where do you not know her from then…?’

(CO) ‘Ha ha ha – very droll Sir!’

(IK) ‘My little joke you understand…! So how do you know her then Mr Blene?’

(Scrobs) ‘Er…O’Blene if you please Officer. Errr, from the Internet…’

(IK) ‘Make a note of that Constable… So you know her from some website on the Internet eh?’

(Scrobs) ‘Er, yes Officer…!’

(IK) ‘Hmm…this seems somewhat fishy to me…’

(Scrobs) ‘Oh no, that’s Merms’ website’!

(IK) ‘Merms’?

(Scrobs) ‘Yes, she’s a Mermaid, used to live in Moorgate!’

(IK) ‘Do you mean Margate?’

(Scrobs) ‘No MOORGATE – are you deaf or something?’

(IK) ‘That’s enough of that, bloody sauce! You have this girlfriend whom you’ve never met and she knows a girl who dresses up like a Mermaid? Seems a bit odd to me… doesn’t it you Constable?’

(CO) (sniggering into a piece of kitchen roll) ‘Heh heh… Yes Sir!’

(IK snarling now) ‘Don’t crawl Constable Onnstable! Now Sir, what do you ‘imagine’ Miss Philipa looks like then?’

(Scrobs) ‘Well, about five ft tall, slim, lissom even…shapely ankles, very attractive…

(IK) ‘So she does exist then, but you don’t really know her at all…!

(Scrobs) ‘ Errr... well, I know her slightly less than Lilith…’

(IK) ‘Lilith is it now – and who is she then?

(Scrobs) ‘I know Lilith from the same website and she’s gorgeous!’

(IK) ‘Aaaah, so there are more lovely ladies on this ‘website’ are there?’

………….(IK gives a knowing wink to CO, who seems to be fidgeting, breaking out into a sweat and turning red…)

(Scrobs) ‘ Oh yes, there’s Trubes, and she’s got legs that go up to her armpits; used to be a dancer!’

(CO) ‘Gulp…’

(Scrobs) ‘And Daisy, who always drops by when it’s night time…errr… she lives far away you see…and Janers, but I haven’t seen her around recently…and Hatfield Girl, she’s got a PHD in just about everything, and always talks sense…they’re all lovely really…’

(IK) ‘I’m struggling to get the picture here Mr Blene; you’ve been seen, walking around Tenterden, taking photographs of various jewellers’ shops, and you say they’re for friends of yours whom you’ve never met, and…. Ooooh...I say… wait a minute…, there’s one here of a ladies undergarment shop…’ (takes out magnifying glass).

(Scrobs) ‘Err…. yes, that was for Tuscan Tony…

(IK) ‘TUSCAN TONY…is that a man then…!’

(Scrobs)’ Yes of course he is, he used to wear those special rigger boots and once lived near Midhurst, near Idle’! They both like hunting shooting and fishing!’ Tony deals in olive oil. Idle is a gun and wine expert…’

(IK) ‘Bloody hellfire Constable Onnstable, the man’s a blasted lunatic’!

(Scrobs) ‘Oh no Inspector, he’s a chap who keeps changing his website, I think he’s ‘The Beast’ this week… Apparently he’s an awfully nice bloke!’

(IK) ‘You’ll be telling me next that you know someone who gets letters from ten times as many ladies and seems to know all of them intimately…!’

(Scrobs - indignantly) ‘Electro-Kevin is a personal friend, and I won’t hear a bad word said about him! He’s very fortunate that’s all!’

(IK) ‘So these people exist in your mind, as well as on the Internet then? Seems odd to me, but…errr… any chance of a few addresses then?’

(Scrobs) ‘Of course Inspector, just Google ‘Verity’ and you’ll get the best answers of the lot!

(IK) ‘That’s very good of you Mr Blene…

(Scrobs) ‘Er…O’Blene if you please Officer…’

(IK) ‘Make a note of that Constable…’

(CO) ‘Right Sir’.

(IK) ‘You’re free to go and return to your car Sir, thank you very much for the addresses; a plain brown envelope would have been be better, but they will suffice…’

(CO) ‘He can’t return to his car Sir, he’s been clamped…’

(IK) ‘Not really your day is it Mr Blene!’

(Scrobs) ‘Er…O’Blene if you please Officer…’

(IK) ‘Make a note of that Constable…’

(CO) ‘Right Sir!’

Immediate update for Philipa: -
I think the jeweller shop you went to, was ‘The Silvermine’ (bottom pic) – or possibly ‘Eaton Jones’, (second bottom pic, gold stuff in window) both on each side of ‘Peggoty’s tea shop which is between the two. The other two shops; ‘Whites’ and ‘Norman Holmes’ are more dressy stuff – very nice, but more formal. Arrazzo is more funky – quite nice though and conveniently close to Waitrose…The lady in ‘The Silvermine’ told me that her manufacturer/designer made special stuff with pearls etc. She wasn’t sure about hedgehogs etc, but there were several silver pieces which had all sorts of small animals etc…and at this point she began to look at me with more than a little suspicion, especially as I asked if I could photograph them…hence the post above ;0)

Thursday 15 May 2008

New word description...

You know how it is; you suddenly recall for absolutely no reason, an acutely embarrassing personal situation or statement you may have made, perhaps many years ago, and your frail, slender, human body instantly exhibits an involuntary, possibly spasmodic, but definitely recognisable jolt; perhaps accompanied by a jerking sensation to some/all of your limbs, or your face or complete head and possibly emits a small pathetic squeak - totally unrecognisable in your personal vocabulary...

Do you? Well, I do!
Oh come on! You do, you do, you do...!

I believe it should be called a 'SHUDDEN', but I bet someone out there has a better word...
(PS. This post is actually dedicated to Idle, who has provoked such lateral thinking on Merms' site concerning new words, that it was all I needed to prompt me to ask this simple, but very deep and worrying question above). Thanks a bunch Iders!
Update...Merms is back from her French wedding now, (hmphhhh) so we've all got to tidy up...

Tuesday 13 May 2008

To cheer up Elecs, who is poorly...

This may not get you any favours Elecs...

Might help though; get better soon eh?

Wednesday 7 May 2008

Allyson Felix

I just find this lady's attitude inspiring!

Being of simple disposition in many matters, I would have thought that if an athlete wanted to win fairly, then why not get tested voluntarily?

Thursday 1 May 2008

'Have you had an election this week...'

Old jokes die hard, but whenever I need to laugh uncontrollably, I look at a few pages from The Framley Examiner.

A topical - and typical - page is here: -

and check this too...

These are probably the funniest bits of writing I've ever seen, totally absurd, utterly crazy and with incredible lateral humour.

The guys who write it, Robin Halstead, Jason Hazeley, Alex Morris and Joel Morris, also know a thing or two about 'Viz', and seeing all this makes me wonder what we have had since The Schoolkids edition of 'Oz', which seems a long, long time ago now...