Wednesday 30 July 2008

Ha ha ha ha...

While I try and think of something else to write...

Wednesday 23 July 2008

Food for thought; and then some extra musing...

Overheard late one morning on the 'Up' platform of a small country station not far from here...

"...and when he was a senior Diplomat in the far east, he met a man who invented a way to teach speak-your-weight machines to sing the Hallelujah Chorus..."!


Friday 18 July 2008

Odds and sods...

This is just a bit piece today; Mrs S took me to T.Wells for lunch as it's my birthday tomorrow, and she wanted to get some bits and pieces...

We went by bus, as 1) we intended to enjoy a meal in the new Strada Restaurant, (it was good, very good), and 2) I can use my new bus pass, but 3) the standard issue 'nutter' sat next to us on the way home and kept listening in...

For some reason I forgot my mobile too, and had a work-free break too!

So we've now got a new television on the way, I've got some of those earphones which block out every other sound known to man, and ensure that the common screeching and nasty accents on the train don't interfere with 'Freebird' in any way, and we've walked off several glasses of Pinot into the bargain...

Also, I want to share this gem with everyone.

A good chum is a self confessed petrolhead, and when I was invited to the Goodwood Festival of Speed last Friday, I couldn't go as I had already been invited to The Kent Show. So I got the invite 'transferred' to him and he had a great time looking at all the cars, discussing fast things with anyone who bothered to listen, and was also active with his camera...

The picture below arrived yesterday, and captures the future world champion in characteristic position!

My chum has decided to continue his day job...

Tuesday 15 July 2008


For Pig, Woody, JRT, and the rest of the pack...

Thursday 10 July 2008

You don't have to be a petrolhead; but it helps...

The Barn.

A recently retired New York man wanted to use his retirement funds wisely, so he decided to buy a home and a few acres in Portugal.

The modest farmhouse had been vacant for 15 years; the owner and wife both had died, and there were no heirs.The estate was being sold to pay back taxes. There had been several lookers, but the large barn had steel doors, and they had been welded shut.

No one wanted to go to the extra expense to see what was in the barn, and it wasn't complimentary to the property anyway... so, no one made an offer on the place.

The New York gentleman bought it as is, (paying just over half of the property's worth); moved in, and set about to access the barn... curiosity was killing him!

So, he and his wife bought a generator and a couple of grinders... and cut through the welds.

What was in the barn...?

Tuesday 8 July 2008

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute adebt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

You have two cows. You worship them.

You have two cows. Both are mad.

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Sunday 6 July 2008

My Dad's fourth largest hammer...

Someone’s looking out for me; I’m convinced he or she is!

Each time I’m looking at an insurmountable problem, staring finality in the face, something comes along and diverts it and we move on!

As many of you know, my Dad and my Uncles were builders, and each time something needs to be mended, or solved, I get the smallest tingle in the back of the head, and an answer creeps in often without me realising it! It might even be Mum, or Grandparents doing the tingling, and although there are some spiritualist ideals somewhere in the family, I’ve never been involved in anything religious (not since I was a kid anyway). I live in a churchyard for heaven’s sake, and I haven’t been in the place for years – so I just play by the rules, as Idle mentions!

So why this emotional outpouring of religious fervour I hear you shriek?

Well, you may remember that I had a run-in with an industrial boot manufacturer, and got a full replacement and an apology. The truth is that the new boots are not really that comfortable, and Mrs S let me buy another proper pair for walking JRT. They’re incredibly comfortable, and have done many miles since.

But the left one squeaks.

It was driving us to distraction, the awful rubber/leather high pitched ‘grunching’ noise at every step. I tried walking pigeon toed, like Charlie Chaplin, like Long John Silver even, (sans parrot, I’m not that daft), but the dreadful noise persisted, even after about nine coats of dubbin, and a long squirt of WD40!

So what’s all this got to do with ‘voices’, squeaks and hammers?

Well, as a final gesture just before we both went totally insane from the noise, I took said boot into the shed, and grabbed this bloody great hammer, (the fourth one I inherited), and belted it all over the place in a demented fury! (I might even have called it a few names...)


Peace and tranquillity. Silent steps. Miles of birdsong. Relaxment beyond compare. Smiles all over Mrs S.

So, I just have to stop...and listen...

Friday 4 July 2008

Nulab targets cut at a stroke...

I’ve solved the problem/phobia that this poor wasted little government has with the nation’s bad diet.

Encourage/force/cajole local authorities to open more allotments! That way, good, hard working people can toil for a year to grow fresh vegetables for their family, and then the rat-faced thieves who go and steal all the produce can live a much healthier life as a consequence.

Several government ‘targets’ get ticked in one stroke: -

1) Create a healthier nation – all those greens and carrots being ‘yucched at’ will now be consumed by grateful(ungrateful) offspring.
2) Layabouts can escape their armchairs for healthy exercise in running between plots, carrying boxes of new potatoes and soft fruit.
3) Lard futures will fall and pies will become an endangered menu item.
4) Allotment rents can be channelled directly into pensions for council ‘Allotment Outreach Co-ordinators’, and ‘Edging and Weed reduction Cooperatives’.
5) Creating an association for a ‘Love Brussels’ forum, which includes a very small tick box to ratify a little-known treaty (Lisbon) to sign away the UK.
6) Knife culture will be sliced as anything with sharp edges will be called 'cooking implements', and will appear as such on charge sheets.

You know it makes sense - don't you...