Thursday, 29 July 2010

Fur story 2...

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


lilith said...

Very funny Scrobs, I hope you mend soon. Elby was astonished and overjoyed to discover that Pig just takes the pill from the proffering hand and swallows it, having lived with many, many cats and endured what you describe.

Anonymous said...

We just take our mad moggy to the local vet,who is a mate of mine,if I tried to give it a pill I would be shredded,the vet gives it a pill and butter wouldn't melt in the moggies mouth,the vet can do anything with the moggy and it just accepts it,the vet knows the moggy he sees it when he visits us and when we take it to his place for jabs etc.

Sen. C.R.O'Blene said...

I still have signs of the scratches from Ante-JRT days Lils!

We found the best way with her is to put the pill in a grape or a sultana, and away it goes in seconds!

Then she bites me just for a joke...

Sen. C.R.O'Blene said...

Absolutely Anon!

Vets have this knack, and I always wondered how they coped with the trend for attack dogs which were a prevalent chav accessory a few years ago!

When it turned out that the dogs had more brain cells than said chav, it was easy to change the habit and buy more bling!

(for the dog that is, not the chav...)

Philipa said...

Tis easy - get pill thingy from vet, grab moggy by back of neck, gently shove pill down back of throat, then apologise as cat hates you.