Craggy Island threnody - the grand, (!) finale...

Father Ted : - "Ron, my dear chap, you've settled yourself then - I hope Mrs Doyle has shown you everything"!

Father Ron : - "She has and that's a fact Ted, y'know, seeing you all here sort of reminds me about some of the earlier days before the priesthood..."!

Father Ted : - " You mean when we were at training college, Ron, when Father Bigly ate a whole sandwich before mass, and was ticked off for not fasting"?

(Father Ron looks at Ted somewhat bemused at his naivete about such an insignificant issue).

Father Ron : - "No Ted, I'm talking about the riot at the Trinity Rugby Club, where we beat St Clonach's and celebrated far too much after the match"!

Father Ted : - " Oh that time - er - we won something like 58-3 didn't we? I remember the Bishop watching and yelling at everyone to get stuck in and 'beat the shit out of the cheating bastards', but surely we deserved a little respite after such a hard season"?

Father Ron : - " Oh yes, that was a night to remember, but you'll have to ask Mrs Doyle what happened as well"!

(Father Dougal has just skipped into the room like a small kid)

Father Dougal : - " What's this about Mrs Doyle, Ted? She's upstairs, rummaging around in Ron's luggage and muttering something about a photograph or something"!

Father Ron : - " Well she did say she'd get my washing stuff done, is that what you mean Dougal, but the photos aren't in the case"? 

Father Ted : - " Er, what photos might they be then Ron, you know we gave up all that girly nonsense when we took our vows"!

Father Ron : - " They're from the Trinity night, Ted! Mrs O'Shaughnessy was in the kitchen serving up the Colcannon and Mrs Doyle was helping her; surely you remember Mrs O'Shaughnessy, the gal with a real punch..."?

Father Ted : - " Oh - er - yes, as a matter of fact I do, and her old man, Pat! He spent half his time hiding from her when she was on the stout..."!

Father Ron : - " Ah yes, and the other half round at Grainne's place, putting up a few things"!

Father Dougal : - " What was he putting up then Ron, was it shelves or something"?

(Father Ron rolls his eyes and jerks a thumb at Dougal)

Father Ron : - (peering at Ted)," Is he for real Ted...! (back to Dougal) No Dougal, Pat O'Shaughnessy wasn't a carpenter, he was a bricklayer, and did a lot of laying down and pointing up"!

Father Dougal : - " Aaah, that makes sense then Ron, I always liked the building! Father Jack was often visiting schools and..."!

Father Ted : - " Dougal! That's enough of that! Jack's family were all in the building, he just took an interest in the plumbing and the windows an' that! His dad often took him to the building sites when he was very young Ron! The men would often give him small jobs to do and he'd help them out so much they gave him his own hard hat! Ha - once when he got home, his Ma asked him if he was going to 'work' next week, and d you know what he answered? 'I hope so Ma, so long as O'Maras get the fecking bricks on site in time'"!

Father Ron : - " I only met Jack once or twice, which was enough for me back then! But he was certainly there at the Trinity game and kept yelling 'Feck-arse-girls' every time St Clonach's had the ball"!

Father Ted : - " Aaaah yes, that was some support we had that day, the clubhouse ran out of Guinness before the match, and Michael had to drive down to the depot to get a load more"!

Father Ron : - " There was also a lot of support from the town ladies too...(short reverie peering in the middle distance), but that is where I now remember about Mrs Doyle and Mrs O'Shaughnessy! YES! That was it! Mrs Doyle started taking photographs of everything that was happenin' that night! Mrs O'Shaughnessy kept badgering her to get back to the washing up, but your lady took no notice, and - and - and - took several shots of the singin' and the jigs, and also, me doing 'The Zulu Warrior'! She recorded the whole routine, and what's worse, she was still flashin' away at the final bits, where all the kit and cassocks are flung in the air, and one is seen - TACKLE OUT"!

Father Dougal : - " What's that about the fishin' then Ron"?

Father Ted : - (gently) "Dougal, Father Ron is referring to the fact that he was standing on the table, bollock naked, and Mrs Doyle took several photographs of him up there"!

Father Dougal : - " Ted, that can't be right, (it dawns on him then), Aaaaaw, I see now - Father Ron didn't have his cassock on, and Mrs Doyle needed some sort of picture of him - or something..."!

Father Ron : - (exasperated) " Ted, is this eejit for real"?

Father Ted : - " I'm afraid he is, Ron, we're getting there, but he's got quite a long way to go before he's let back to Blackrock"!

Father Ron : - " Well that's a relief, we can't have anyone letting the Bishop know, now can we"!

Father Dougal : - " Know about what, Ted? Wasn't the Bishop at the game"?

Father Ted : - " Well, yes he was Dougal, but he had to leave early - something about a chat with - er - a lady at Mrs O'Shaughnessy's or sometin'"!

Father Ron : - " We'll keep quiet about that Ted, there's no need to keep bringing up the past, and I still have the photographs so it won't go any further - look, here they are"! (rummages in his cassock, brings out a well-thumbed package, and shows them to Ted and Dougal).

Father Ted : - " Ron, I don't think you should be showing these things around, y'know, young minds an' that"!

Father Ron : - " Surely Dougal's seen another man's winkle before Ted - er - hasn't he"?

Father Dougal : - " Awww yes, but only in the magazines, in the kecks an' stuff! Oh yes, I know all about that sort of thing"!

Father Ron : - " Well that's a relief! Dougal, you can have a quick look and then we'll keep quiet and not tell Mrs Doyle a thing, right"?

Father Dougal : - (peering at the photos) " Aaaaargh, it's like a prick, only smaller - how did you get the photos back anyway"!

(Mrs Doyle rushes in with a tea trolley and a huge teapot before Ron can put the photos away, and starts pouring out the cups, peering over Ron's shoulder at the same time, sloshing tea everywhere)

Mrs Doyle : - " I see you've still got the photographs then Father"! (blushes, simpers and flusters around, bleating as usual).

Father Ron : - " Ah, yes Mrs Doyle, and wasn't it worth the good time you had that night! And do you really want to know what happened to the other photos which Father Cormac took of you, doing another sort of dance, eh"?

(The room goes deathly silent and then Mrs Doyle starts to fidget and show shock and horror, bleating and sighing at the same time)

Mrs Doyle : - (dreamily) " Those days, I could do the Fandango like nobody else, Mrs O'Shaughnessy got me to do it for all her friends! I was the star of the show, and had Mr Doyle been around, he'd have clapped and cheered! But he wasn't, so he didn't - that cheatin' bastard, leavin' me all on my own at Mrs Shaughnessy's place"!

Father Ted : - (impatiently) " Mrs Doyle, you really don't have to go through all that again, it all happened years ago"!

Mrs Doyle : - " I know Father, but seeing Father Ron again after all this time, has got me in a bit of a tizz, and I'm gettin' the palpitations, and the memories are just too much for me to stop me doing this..."! (Mrs Doyle rushes over and plants a huge slobbery kiss on Father Ron's face, then stands back, panting a little, and simpering).

Father Ron : - " Ah, Mrs Doyle, that was just lovely! You can have the photos on one condition..."!

Mrs Doyle : - (still panting slightly) " And what would that be Father"?

Father Ron : - " You give me the negatives ... AND also the other pictures of Father Ted, Father Jack and Father Dougal doing the Can Can at the Trinity Club"!

Mrs Doyle : -  (snarling in her fiercest way possible) "DONE! And as for you, Fathers Ted, Jack and Dougal, I also have photos of ALL of you in the bath, so you'd better sit up and listen to Father Ron! (She pauses, puts on a wheedling face). Ron, I'll make you a Canon, a Cardinal, anything you like, but please, please PLEASE take me away from this place"!

(Silence all round as Mrs Doyle bleats uncontrollably, Father Jack snores, Dougal stares at nothing in particular and Ted fumbles a cigarette from the packet on the table).

(To be continued...)

Oh sod it, let's finish the bloody thing now, and we can all get some sleep...

SCENE - Ted's and Dougal's bedroom. They're both sitting up in bed)

Father Ted : -  "Dougal, what do you really think of Father Ron? He used to be quite a joker back at the college, but would you have thought that he and Mrs Doyle were 'an item'"?

Father Dougal : - "Ted, I really don't know, and what's 'an item' then"?

Father Ted : -  " Er, well, Dougal, it's when a lady and a man are attracted to each other, so they get married and have children and stuff"!

Father Dougal : - "That's grand isn't it Ted, they can get married at one of our masses"!

Father Ted : -  " Dougal, you've never really grasped the importance of our faith have you"!

Father Dougal : - "Oh yes I have Ted, there's those photographs to prove it all! Mrs Doyle took them and it looks like Mrs O'Shaughnessy knew about them all the time, from the Bishop, who was round there after the rugby, and seeing all sorts of shenanigans going on between all her girls and the Cardinals an' that! Father Ron went round later after the Zulu Warrior, and - and - and..."!

(Father Ted stares at Dougal in amazement, shakes his head then gives up).

Father Ted : -  " Say goodnight Dougal".

Father Dougal : - " Goodnight Ted"!

(silence for several moments after lights out)

Father Dougal : - (waking up and shouting) "TED! Mrs Doyle saw our winkles"!

(Fade out - and thank God for that, it's been a long hard slog, and if anyone has a better ending then good bloody luck, 'cos I've had enough of all this caper)!

D!