The village bicycle...

There was uproar at the Sodden Prickney Praish Council meeting last Thursday, when Cllr Ron Newt, freshly unhinged from an amorous embrace from his prime squeeze, Cllr Amelia Newt, proclaimed that Cllr Kalashnikov had been seen parking a bicycle outside Cllr Edwina Baggage's mother's house very late one evening. Ms Baggage is a well-known exponent of the art of bicycling, and is indeed the expert on the subject, having experienced countless occasions when such intimate knowledge is important, even gaspingly neccessary!

On learning from PC Lumbersnatch that the said bicycle had been thought to be the property of Cllr Kalashnikov's stepson, Wayne, it turned out that it had indeed been bought by the local political group, the Sodden Prickney National Emporium Party, and nobody knew how the money was paid!

In time-honoured method, Cllr Kalashnikov refused to make any worthwhile comment, except for his time honoured verbal embellishment, "Sod the lot of you", as did his second - or possibly the third - wife that year, Svetlana Kalashnikov, who is a diminutive, unpleasant person and well-known for being as tight as a fish's backside, i.e.watertight, but it was also well known that she would give him one heck of a bollocking when he got back after all those passionate forays Chez Baggage!

Meanwhile, the local rag, 'The Bugle', published several stories about the various sums of money being paid to the whole Kalashnikov family, which included visits to the local gyms, restaurants, massage parlours etc., and that there was a possibility that the offending bicycle might even have been purchased from a member of the same oligarchy, but Ms Baggage declined to comment after a breathless interchange on the telephone with the Bugle's chief reporter, 'Roland' Rat!

So, as usual in the village, nobody really has a clue about what was going on, and speculation continues in the smoky sitting rooms, the stuffy bars, the local conveniences, the public (That's enough places - Ed), and it's probable that after the next elections, everyone will have forgotten the issues, except maybe Ms Baggage, who probably still waits expectantly for the next tinkle on a rather rusty old bicycle bell...