Friday, 30 November 2018

Bin there, suffered the pain...

Scrobs was walking past 'The Bells' in a certain way.

As he approached the door, it suddenly opened and the delightful vision of Gloriette appeared, with a 'G & T' in one hand, and a worried expression in the other. A third arm clasped me around the neck, which caused some concern to various corpuscles which are instantly rearranged at such a gesture.

"Scrobs; what have you been up to"? She exclaimed before I could draw breath to say how nice it was to see my lovely chum again after far too long!

I drew back, drew a further breath, and drew on my knowledge of American court scenes, when the defendant admits all, and Ironside wheels himself off at a rate of knots.

"Oh, it's nothing, love of my life, just a small aberration from one's normal day-to-day actions"!

"Well, you're not looking at all well, so come inside and explain to us why you are limping and holding your arm at a funny angle"! Breathed my chum.

Elias Sagtrouser had already collected a pint of Shep's 'November Battleaxe 7.5 ABV', from Norman the landlord and this was thrust in my less angular paw with a similar look of concern.

"Tell me all Scrobs"! He ordered, and Gloriette reseated herself on a barstool which was far too high for her really, so she had to do a little jump, the sight of which sent what remaining corpuscles which hadn't noticed her presence, into a flat spin.

"Oh it's nothing", I started! "Just a small accident at home; I hardly feel a thing now"! A large gulp of my favourite brewery's product became an internal swirl, then a warming hit, then a sight mist in the short-vision, and for a moment, I nearly believed myself!

"Scrobs, if you don't tell me, I'll not send you a Christmas card, and that's final"! Elias ordered.

"Well, it's like this! Last Sunday, after lunch, Mrs OBlene and I were discussing successful world events, like a 'no-deal' Brexit and President Trump's manner of sticking two fingers up at the MSM. We may have sampled a couple of post-prandial tinctures at the time, I don't really remember - ha ha ha"!

"Look at me, Scrobs, and tell me in your most serious voice what went on, and why you are walking like Dustin Hoffman in 'Rain Man'"! Elias was becoming irate, to the point of ordering two more pints and a large G & T (Anno, the best Kent Gin ever produced). He always does this. It's a softening up process, so I decided to take another tack.

"Well, funny you should ask, because I was going to call round to your yard for some rock salt later"! I said. "I need something to stop the brick paths becoming so slippery, which they do at this time of year. I have to carry Mrs O'Blene sometimes, but she's so tiny, of course, that's easy"!

"Go on Scrobs", breathed Gloriette, and I wondered for a moment how it would be if I had to carry her and how far we'd get...

"We do a fine line in rock salt", said Elias. " Most of it comes in bags, so that's not a problem. I'll tell Meccano to give you 20% off"!

"Oh that's very good of you, old friend, but really, it's a responsibility, a social demand even, that I have to make, to ensure that everybody who visits doesn't endure the same - er - fall - that I had - ha ha ha..."!

"Oh Scrobs, where does it really hurt"! said Gloriette, with a worried frown, and a light electric touch (400 volts) on my good arm. It might even have cured the bad arm if she'd handled that particular limb.

"And also my backside"! I blurted!

"So you're making 'The Turrets' a safer place then", said Elias, looking at me in the same way that he looks at customers asking for credit.

"Soooo, what were you doing on the path"? Enquired my chum.

"Well, It was dark, the outside light wasn't working, and I was trying to get the wheelie bin down to the road while it was raining. Somehow, it caught one of the edging bricks on the slippery path, and tipped over, taking me with it"!

"Aaaah I see now"! Said Elias! "I thought you were going to say that you went arse over head because you were as pissed as a fart"!

There were knowing looks all round, saved by another wink from Gloriette...

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