It has come to the notice of several gentlemen in the parish, that ball-tampering is becoming rife - especially at council meetings when feelings are high, emotions stretched, and the sap is... (get on with it - Ed).
Of course, one would wonder if there is indeed any reason to complain if a few seams are lifted, and substances used to roughen the surfaces and the fingers spin a Chinaman's googly down the aisle of the village hall!
Certainly, it has been known in the past, that Ms Baggage has bouncers which are deemed unplayable on occasions, and the Baroness Elect, Cynthia Molestrangler, has deployed the screens on many a tense final engagement with a fulfilling finish, so there's a sense of wonderment that three Senior (not you Dear) council members were sent home in disgrace!
The upshot of all this (wrong word - Ed), is that cameras are definitely deployed for the next council meeting, when Mr Iodine is called to explain his conduct in providing the necessary materials such as Elastoplast and Anusol Tablets. (WHAAAT - Ed)!
To be continued ad-infinitum, or at least 'stumps'...
25 comments:
This saga is untterly diss prick a ball if you ask me. These upside-downers did not have the nouse to use theie deep covers to hide their silly mid offs... but I suppose that might be difficult to do with a square leg and a long stop!
When I was a lad "sledging" was what we did with a tray on a snow/ice covered hillock. How times have changed.
Oops - the sun got in my eyes. (That is my excuse and I am sticking to it!)
Count Kalashnikov is nearly always upstanding when in the vicinity of Baroness-Elect Molestrangler - it is alleged!
The sledging incident is part and parcel of the sort of muttering which goes on at council meetings, and while ball-tampering is frowned upon, it has been noticed that Ms Baggage often sits very close to Norman Wibble, often in the back row...
Any other incidents of this nature really do need examining closely, preferably with CCTV and YOuTube!
Playing cricket has always been a complete mystery to me but I find certain terms that are used very fascinating as in:-
1) Inside and outside leg - obviously tailored to suit whether your ball goes right or left!
2) Bail - "The Bail Act 1976 outlined that courts were obliged to offer bail to defendants unless a specific exception was met. One exception was that the defendant would not willingly surrender and tamper with case evidence". Does that include when they polish their ball on their trousers, and is the said trouser examined as to the type of material it's made from, i.e. sack-cloth mixed with ashes (ha!) which could be deemed to be "out of bounds".
3) Using willow for bats. Willow trees (genus Salix) is the source of Salicylic acid and is where the painkiller Aspirin derives from. If they tampered with their bats before play could this be construed as taking drugs to enhance their performance?
4) Leg bye. Is this a special term similar to what shepherds do when ordering their sheepdogs to go out left or right?
5) Silly mid-off. Possible anagram of "Slimy f-fold" but you get the gist!
6) Why are cricket balls red?
7) All this has made me "google" cricket terms and so far it seems to be made up of things to do with:-
a) Bouncers and caught behind cherry - not casting any aspersions to anyone in the said parish council but there must be some red faces hopping somewhere!
b) "Dibbly Dobbly" - does this allude to the day when the vicar of Dimply Howzat-on-Tyme got rather plastered on the Communion wine and dunked the candle instead of the infant, and where the term "Wick et" comes from?
c) Apart from "Featherbed" (that's something private between me and John Denver) it all seems to be with things like fly slip, grubber, heavy roller, ferrets, fishing and fruit salad. Where the heck Fritz comes in I haven't a clue but am assuming the use of a jockstrap may have some connotation with sausages and LBW i.e. Lance Bombardier Wasserman who was the whistle-blower for Arsenal then later to become Ms. Baggage's mole which she is going to get removed via the NHS so don't hold your breath.
Mike and rvi- can you tell my OH is away for five days so have no-one to remind me to take my medication? Replies in a bottle please!
What I can't abide is a grown man blubbing in public over something other than a death.
I didn't do that when I got fired. I manned up and took it on the chin.
One is completely and utterly gobsmacked that nobody in the village was listening to the BBC when that most famous of cricketing pronouncements was made - viz:
The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey.
I am sure such vital.. er..um.. support will help steady Ms Goose's sticky wicket syndrome symptoms. As to the question 'Why are cricket balls red?' I suspect the answer is 'to hide the blood when one hits you on the head at 60+ mph', although they do use white ones these days for matches played under floodlights (presumably so you can see them coming and duck out of the way instead of getting blood all over them - which may also explain the red stains down cricketers' trousers). Perhaps they should play in 'reds' now rather than 'whites'. Oh! Silly me. Must be behind the times! They do that already don't they? Red, green, blue, yellow etc..
Cricket is all very girly these days. When I were a lad we had never heard of helmet and other bullet proof paraphernalia. All we had were pads and gloves - and a box, if your dad could afford one for you. They made us tough back then!
Boing!! Time for tea (said Zebedee).
Oh PS: Happy Easter to one and all. There goes the diet!!
Ms Baggage's bouncers may be unplayable but not unwatchable from a safe distance.
"The bowler's holding the batsman's willey"? Me no understand! If the commentator was close enough to see it, by jove what was name of the firm who made his binoculars? Surely not the one in which the famous Henry Blofeld had an undercover liaison with a certain Madame Fifi who not only adored white Persian cats as he did but could make a suitable box for your delicate areas which depended on a strict mathematical equation which she wrote in white chalk on a blackboard; however a cleaning lady wiped it off as per her duties. The only word that was deciphered was "Snipe".
I appreciate all your support and I promise to wear it with pride!
Goosey, Michael Holding was a superb West Indian fast bowler, and Peter Willey was a great batsman and also a spin bowler...
So that's confirming what I suspect you really knew, but were just teasing us all!
I like the idea of an off-the-shoulder cricket box though, I'm sure Wisden would have someting to say about that!
OK, then what has a snipe got to do with it all?
Reevers, it's hard to remember that when Ian Botham took on Australia to win the Ashes, he didn't even have a helmet!
It's also not too much to remember how Bob Willis bowled like a demon in that series!
Yup. 1981, 3rd test at Headingly.
I was fortunate enough to be able to watch the whole of that memorable and amazing innings -149 not out. Given this year's miserable showing, I think we could do with a few more like him!
Goosey, I seem to recall the formula to which you refer was something like "length x width x circumference", but maths never was my strong suit!
Mike and rvi. Although I was ever-so-slightly inebriated when I posted my comment, I was still able to do an anagram re- the rather naughty reference to a certain Mr Willey. As for maths, that was the only exam or test I ever failed, although I got it second time around. I did like geometry because you had to use a certain logic to find the relevant angle, length of a line, or find the total area of the Ark in cubits. I would go into more depth but one of my cats is trying to intervene by prowling over my keyboard. She knows the answer to life but it's not pi as we know it. Over to you!
As my 'O' level GCE exams approached in the late 1950s, it was clear that I was going to fail maths. I could do adding up, subtracting, multiplication and division, but I was completely hopeless at actually applying the algrebra and geometry processes and theorems I had been "taught". I could understand the principles of both, but what to do with them...? That was my problem.
So in a fit of virtual desperation I asked my maths master - a very laid back and extremely helpful and sympathetic gent - "If I spend the upcoming month of the inter-term break working through the exercises in the maths' book, would he be prepared to mark my efforts and assist where I had found myself stuck or confused?". He agreed at once and so I diligently applied myself in the holidays working long hours through pages of exercises (to which, helpfully, I had the answers at the back of the book).
I must have taught myself something because he undertook the marking and a few days later we had an after-school session going through everything in detail with him helping and explaining as we went. He declared himself satisfied with my efforts and told me that if I really concentrated on the day I would probably secure a pass mark. Some weeks later, that is exactly what happened and I scraped through with 55%.
Nonetheless, after all that hard work, I have spent my life in total ignorance of any algebra or geometry, never once, that I recall, ever having had to use any of it. Sines and cosines? Those things on the road telling you which way to go? Log tables? Something you find in a garden centre?
En passant, after all these years, I still cannot come to terms with that foreign metric system. If I see a picture of something in eg the IKEA catalogue that says it is 1836 x 459 x 26, I have no idea of its size. I still have to revert mentally to 1 metre = 100cms = +/- 39 inches and approximate the rest from that starting point. Likewise with weight. I have no idea what 17.83 kgs looks/feels like. I always get the weight of my suitace way out unless I weigh it on the case scale.
But oddly enough I am very happy (having spent a lifetime using them) in kilometres. All very odd (or do I mean even?).
If I see something in centimetres I divide it by 5 then multiply by 2. I think I made that up myself from somewhere but it does the job. As for algebra and geometry it's probably only something a bra-fitter would use. For the conversion of x and y into a cup-size they would need to resort to geometry i.e. radii and spheres where pi (22 divided by 7) is multiplied by dx squared divided by dy where x = width of upper torso and y = cleavage distance. PS - don't try this at home without drawing the curtains!
Goosey,
Never heard of that centimetre method before, but will try it on the next suitable occasion. I have no knowledge of female undergarments, so I have nothing to add.... Perhaps I should research a certain lady's "bouncers"?
The only useful formula I know is
C*/5 x 9 + 32 = F* (for converting centigrade temperature to something recognisable)
viz 25*/5 = 5. 5 x 9 = 45. 45 + 32 = 77*F
I think I got that from my erstwhile maths teacher all those years ago.
Supermarkets usually try and cheat customers by putting some prices in kgs and some in pounds.
I did once work out a programme on a hand-held pc, but it took so long to use, I gave up...
I feel absolutely bereft for your not having any knowledge whatsoever about female lingerie. Either you don't do your other half's laundry, you're single, or you both like walking around in the nude. Given the lovely weather you have been experiencing, I don't blame you! I'm sure Mike can fill you in on various types of hosiery and lacy or strappy items but if he does, we may not see him for a while!
Goosey,
The only things I remember about said clothing comes from the course of civil engineering I took - something about springs, wires and cantilevers. It was all a long time ago....
... and no, I do not do the laundry. That is why I bought my delightful other half a very expensive washing machine all those years ago...
Talking of domestic appliances, some time ago our 15 year old 3-door fridge/freezer gave up the ghost so we went hunting for a replacement. SWMBO was very firm; she wanted a like-for-like replacement. For about 3 weeks we scoured every appliance shop we could find for a 3-door machine, but there was none to be found anywhere and all the sales persons insisted they are not made any more. Neither could we find one on the internet. So we assumed that the sales bods had told the truth and in the end we had to settle for a new 2-door, 5-star rated new one.
Last Thursday, having nothing better to do, we decided to have a wander round the local IKEA showroom as the lady of the house has had her eye on a new drawer unit for some time, but it seems they no longer make that particular model, but - blow me down - within 2 minutes of our going in, right in front of us was a beautiful new silver 3-door Electrolux fridge/freezer on display...
So to console ourselves for missing that one, we decided to console ourselves even more with lunch at our favourite Bubba Gump shrimp house (if you don't know what that is, have a Google) - only to discover when we got there that they had closed down and gone away leaving only white plaster boards in place.
Not one of our more successful excursions.
I hate days like that especially if you're not in the best fame of mind to start with! Recently we've experienced the opposite for a change such as looking for various family presents, new clothes for my posh birthday party in June, and finding some quite costly figurines at a cheap price from a local house-clearance place, and all found within minutes of walking in the shop. As for domestic appliances, we've just bought another Dyson cordless vacuum cleaner - the V 10. My other one was ok but it was a real faff to get the dust from the container, plus HWKB (he who knows best) told me I could use the old one upstairs and use the new one on the ground floor to save me work (yeah - right) but anyway, as the advert says, it's been re-vamped and boy - has it! Apart from an ingenious dust-emptying system, it could suck up one of my cats from 15 paces and that's only on the low setting! It has two more, so maybe I could just point it at the ceiling and it will clean the whole of the top floor!!! That Shrimp House sounds great but what a shame it had closed down. I can imagine your comment "Well, I'll eat my shorts!" which may have been an option but not one I'd recommend unless they'd just come out of the washer!
Goosey, as you have touched a nerve concerning under-apparel, I think it was always a travesty of justice that the word 'thermals' was invented! I blame Dorthy Perkins, who stopped putting delicious models in the front windows of their shops, and if you go online these days, the cookies give the game away far too often for weeks afterwards! I have always been a great fan of the slinky stuff, so don't let up now will you...
As for your new outfits, I'm sure you'll look - and feel, splendid in them, but not all at the same time, as it gets pretty warm in June! (Your birthday is a few days after Senora O'Blenes, and her's is a big one as well!
I looked up that restaurant in Marlowe(?), and realised that apart from increasing the mortgage, we'd have to do something less enticing, so we'll book a side room at 'The Queens Inn' in a nearby village, and which has become a firm favourite with us, as they recognise us as old farts, and let us have just one portion of fish and chips and two plates! It's well worth it and they get a decent tip, and there's absolutely no waste, as we still remember rationing...
Reevers, I have to confess that I've never heard of Bubba Gump shrimp places!
As I've sworn never to go back to London, (except for a couple of funerals maybe), it's all down to the little creep of a mayor there, and the old place is nothing like it was even up to a few years ago.
I think I'll expand on that theme with a separate post, so thanks for the tip!
As for fridge/freezers, we searched high and low for a matching pair, but slightly larger than the under-the-counter type. Seeboard was the only firm which supplied them, and they lasted for years!
It certainly wasn't warm in June on my 50th birthday. We had an all-day do to suit whatever time people could come and thought of opening the French doors so they could come and go as they pleased. Unfortunately, it was a bitterly cold day and the photo of me sat on my bench outside looks like I'm smiling for all I'm worth but it's more of a grimace! Daren't let you and rvi in on too much but I'm going to strut my slinky stuff like no tomorrow; however the suzzies are out as they could get accidentally get pinged then I'll look like Norah Batty in front of all the toffs!
Warm in June? You must be joking! For my 50th birthday we had an all-day party so as to suit whatever time people could come; however it was a bitterly cold day so the idea of them going out from the French doors and having a stroll in the garden with plates of food and glasses of wine went out the window. Someone took a pic of me sat on my bench and it looks like I'm smiling for all I'm worth; in fact it's a grimace as I couldn't wait to get inside! As for the slinky underwear, I'm going to strut my stuff as becomes me but no suzzies as they might get accidentally pinged, then I'll look like Norah Batty in front of all the toffs. Actually I've now become anonymous due to some querk - or was that quack?
Ah Michael! Yes you're right and we have been a bit, er, extravagant in our choice of party venue but Phil loves Tom Kerridge's recipes and so we went for it. Your party venue for Mrs O'Blene sounds just as good and will let you both rave as much as you want and will also oblige you with silken tasselled cords on the bannister stairs so you can locate your rooms afterwards!!
Ah Michael! Yes you're right and we have been a bit, er, extravagant in our choice of party venue but Phil loves Tom Kerridge's recipes and so we went for it. Your party venue for Mrs O'Blene sounds just as good and will let you both rave as much as you want and will also oblige you with silken tasselled cords on the bannister stairs so you can locate your rooms afterwards!!
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