Father Ted : -"Morning Father Jack"!
Father Jack : -"Feck off"!
Father Ted : -"Oh, well, yes, of course, - er - Dougal, what are you doing with that magazine? We don't take that sort of thing here you know"!
Father Dougal : -"Awww, I know Ted, but it's all about these people who are told to go and stay on a small island, and fend for themselves! It's a brand new experience"!
Father Ted : -"Dougal, you don't actually realise why we're all here on Craggy Island do you"?
Father Dougal : -"Len told me I had to come here Ted! I never did find out why, but it's better than Blackrock and no mistake"!
Father Ted : -"Dougal, 'Blackrock' was the main reason why you're here for God's sake"!
Father Dougal : -"Father Jack wasn't at Blackrock, but he's here"!
Father Ted : -"I know Dougal, but Bishop Len wanted him to be among friends while he - er - recovered"!
Father Dougal : -"What does he need to recover from then Ted?"
(Ted is just about to answer, when the door opens and Mrs Doyle enters pushing a trolley with an enormous two gallon teapot and some breakfast things.)
Mrs Doyle : -"Morning Fathers; time for breakfast, and here's the post! Tea"?
Father Ted : -"Aaah, thank you Mrs Doyle, nothing like a good breakfast to start the day, is there"!
(Mrs Doyle fiddles around filling huge cups of tea. Ted opens a letter with his knife, and scans the contents).
Father Ted : -"Haaah! Well, this is good news indeed! We're going to be joined by an old friend of mine from Theological College! (he reads on and his mood changes), "He's coming here on Bishop Len's orders, to 'mend his ways', and start taking life seriously again! Hmmm, you knew Father O'Blene didn't you Father Jack"?
Father Jack : -"That fat arse! Feck off"!
Father Dougal : -"There was something about Father O'Blene in my magazine, Ted! I'll find it for you"!
Father Ted (hastily, and hiding the letter from Mrs Doyle): - "Father O'Blene has - er - been - er - caught - no, no, he's been seen - er - in a place where he might have been - er - best not seen..."!
Mrs Doyle : -"That wouldn't be the incident at the Trinity rugby club now would it Father"?
Father Ted : -"How did you hear about that then, Mrs Doyle"?
Mrs Doyle : -(patting her hair and simpering)"Oh, just - er - rumours, Father, nothing more"! (exits, making sheep eyes to nobody in particular).
Father Dougal : -"Did Father O'Blene do the same sort of thing you did before you came here then Ted"?
Father Ted : -"Dougal, I've told everyone until I'm blue in the face, that the money was just 'resting' in my account, for God's sake"!
Father Dougal : -"So Father O'Blene won't know about that then Ted, will he, although he knew you from College"?
Father Ted : -"Dougal, I've had enough of this, now get on with your pop-tarts"!
Father Dougal : -"I wonder if Father O'Blene will like Mrs Doyle's pop-tarts, Ted! What's his given name by the way"?
Father Ted : -(chuckling in recall) "It's Ron O'Blene, Dougal, and he was the life and soul of Mass every Sunday, always whispering during the sermons, and farting in the quiet bits! Of course, we were all very young then, and wouldn't dream of doing that sort of thing now"!
Father Dougal : -"Jack farted during Mass last week, and the week before! And he belched several times too"! (waves hand in front of his face).
Father Ted : -"Dougal, Jack has a serious problem, and we don't make light of his bodily functions! I know he likes a drink, but he was once a staunch believer in looking after the fallen men and women, and it seemed to Bishop Len, that he'd begun to like them just a little too much, so he came here for a short three-week stay"!
Father Dougal : -"When would that have been then, Ted"?
Father Ted : -"About seven years ago now...! Time flies, doesn't it Father Jack"!
Father Jack : -"Feck off"!
Father Ted : -"I see Father Jack has got out of bed the wrong way again, Dougal"! (chuckles)
Father Dougal : -"Jack didn't get to bed last evening Ted, he slept all night in his chair"!
Father Ted : -"Now Dougal, we shouldn't judge Father Jack like this, those stairs are a challenge to anyone who is - er - tired, he probably decided to watch some late television, or something"!
Father Dougal : -"Ah, so that's why the remote shows one of those Polish channels then, I wondered what there was to see in a programme which has girls dancing with just Poles"!
(Mrs Doyle enters with yet another huge teapot, and begins filling several cups which are placed all over the room).
Mrs Doyle : -"There's a car outside, Father, it's been driving back and forth for half an hour now, and the driver keeps swerving towards the gate, then driving off again! I think he might be lost"!
(Ted rushes to the window, followed by Dougal. A car screeches to a halt in the drive having hit the gate post, and a dishevelled figure emerges, looking decidedly the worse for wear).
Father Ted : -(excitedly) "It's Ron; my old chum from College, He's here already! Come on Dougal, we'll give him a hand with his luggage"! (They rush out the front door).
(to be continued...)
2 comments:
Excellent, I hope there is a future episode where they take Father O'Blene to Funland. He should have something to say about that.
What, on that roundabout with the kids, or the park bench swinging around on a crane...?
Blimey, I hadn't thought of that...
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