(The 'story' so far: - Father Ron O'Blene has been sent to Craggy island by Bishop Brennan, (Len), for an unknown reason. Mrs Doyle knows something, and the plot thickens, rather like the arteries on Father Jack's drinking arm...)
Father Ted : - (answering the door bell, which is sounding continuously as though someone is leaning on it), "Ron! My dear old friend, bring yourself inside and come and make yourself at home"!
Father Ron : - "Who the feck are you..."?
Father Ted : - "Ron, it's me, Ted Crilly; we were at Theological College together"!
Father Ron : - "Now where was that then - was it near Athlone, Co. Westmeath? Or was it somewhere else then..."?
Father Ted : - "No, it wasn't Athlone, they barred us from there after the incident at the hurling, so we finished up in Galway, where nobody knew us, thank goodness"!
Father Ron : - "The hurlin' you say? (drops fag end on the floor, and Mrs Doyle immediately rushes out of the kitchen with a dustpan, making bleating noises), I don't remember no hurlin', just getting beaten up by the Garda once..."!
Father Ted : - "That was the reason why, Ron, we were playing their local team, and you smashed your stick over the head of their number 5, then their number 3"!
Father Ron : - "I was never much good there, Aaah yes, I remember now, I was aiming at their number 4"! He once booked me for driving wit'out lights on! The bastard! I didn't know it was his car"!
Father Ted : - "But you went on to play the rugby though, surely you remember that Ron"!
Father Ron : - "Aaah, now you're talkin'! The Rugby! Now that's a man's game! Plenty of beer, action and the girls..."! (Stares into the middle distance, wistfully.)
Father Ted : - "Er, Ron, we were training to be priests, and, the opposite sex wasn't - er - part of our vocation now, was it"!
Father Ron : - "You speak for yourself Crilly, me and Father Oisin had several visits to Our Lady's Convent after lights out! You should remember, you came with us once and we got through two whole bottles of Bushmills one night! Sister Assumpter did the 'Dance of the Seven Habits' on the refectory table..."!
Father Ted : - "Oh my Dear God, Ron, you musn't mention that to Father Jack, he'll go mental"!
(Dougal is listening at the door)...
Father Dougal : - "What's this Ted, dancing without the habits? Jack's asleep anyway"!
Father Ted : - "Dougal, not a word of this to anyone, especially Father Jack"!
Father Dougal : - "Len always banged on about bad habits didn't he! Then we saw the video of him bollock naked...."!
Father Ted : - "Dougal, SHUT UP! Father Ron and I need to discuss a few things before Jack wakes up! Mrs Doyle, will you show Ron to his room please"?
(Mrs Doyle wanders around in a daze, with a stupid grin on her face).
Mrs Doyle : - "Will you come this way, Father O'Blene? I've made up your bed, and put a spare bottle of whiskey on your window cill for medicinal purposes"! (She bows and scrapes as Ron O'Blene staggers towards the stairs belching loudly)! "I know you'll like the scenery from your window, Father! If you look carefully, you'll see the gardens of the local girls' school, and they're out there now, playing their little games in their gymslips! Father Jack used to like this room, but Father Ted banned him a few months ago, as he bought a telescope from Exchange and Mart, and spent all day up here! We had to tell the Garda that he was a keen astronomer, but they took away his telescope all the same"!
Father Ron : - "Mrs Doyle, I seem to remember you from way back, did you ever know Mrs O'Shaughnessy of Newbridge Road"?
Mrs Doyle : - "Now Father, why would you want to know that then? (she flutters her eyelashes, and starts bleating again). Mrs O'Shaughnessy was a good friend, and it's only through Pat O'Shaughnessy that we'd have ever met..."(looks wistfully into the middle distance).
Father Ron : - "Ya' see Mrs Doyle, she came to confession one day last year, and afterwards, mentioned that you and Pat used to visit the rugby club bar when they were playing at home, and that he was getting a bit keen on the stout one evening, and needed some other sort of recreation, and some eejit mentioned doing a 'Zulu Warrior' on the bar table, and he pointed at me...! D'ya remember that then"?
Mrs Doyle : - (wringing her hands and simpering wildly, staring in all directions). "Oooh, I can't remember that far back Father, you'd best forget all about it, and I'll fetch you some tea"!
Father Ron : - "Mrs Doyle, it's all coming back to me now, you were there that night, weren't you..."!
Mrs Doyle : - (wringing her hands), "Well maybe just a little bit of the time, I was only - er - helping Mrs O'Shaughnessy wit' the pots and pans, but I did have a little peep..."!
Father Ron : - (looking mystified, then happy, then grumpy), "Well, it all happened a long time ago, so we'll forget all about it shall we then..."!
Mrs Doyle : - "Best forgotten, yes"! (she does one more glance in his direction and escapes out of the bedroom door, bumping into Dougal, who is listening at the keyhole).
Father Dougal : - (grinning inanely) "What was all that about? You and Father Ron? But you're fine Mrs Doyle, I'll not tell anyone - not a single soul"!
(Mrs Doyle yelps and rushes away down the stairs, bleating and generally dusting everything she can see).
----------------------------
(Dougal enters the sitting room).
Father Dougal : - (grinning inanely), "Ted, what's all this about Father Ron and the rugby at Trinity? You were there weren't you? Was Father Jack? and who else might have been there...(thinks, then brightens up with a shriek). "It was Bishop Brennan, wasn't it, It was Len! Len the priest with the love child"! (Dougal scampers around the room with joy).
Father Ted : - "Dougal, SHUT THE FECK UP and sit down! We're not supposed to let all this scuttlebuck get out of hand! (fumbles a cigarette from a pack and lights up nervously, then quietens down a bit). "It's all complicated you see, Father Ron, Bishop Len Brennan and I were all old mates back then, but after the - er - issue with the 'Zulu Warrior' episode, there was a certain amount of friction, and no mistake! But we decided to put all that behind us, and here we are, all good friends again - er - except for Len Brennan that is..."!
(The door opens and Father Ron enters).
(to be continued)...
