Still makes oi larf...

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday..

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

Electronical unsodditment...

This week, the electricity company ravaged us...

Not in the biblical sense of course, but they caused severe things to happen, and where elctricity is concerned, these events always occur in threes.

1) Mrs S's computer decided to sigh and die last Saturday. It went with a little warning, i.e., strange shapes on the screen, grumbling from the disk, and eventual terminal sulk.

2) The electric kettle stopped (IN SYMPATHY NO DOUBT) on the second boil of the regimental two cups of tea before any communication with the outside world is achievable.

3) The old Hoover we keep in the shed to scoop up JRT's fur, crumbs, dirt and rubbish etc from the Punto Lagonda Supercharged Bastard suddenly decided to stop during a wild clean-up.

So, the Scrobs input into the sphlogobeer has been limited for the last few days, and I'm having much fun playing the new gadget, which has grown Windows 7, and also some interesting, but tedious new programmes.

And, all this happened just a few days after Lakes and his team solved a huge problem for Scrobs Inc!

There is life in the old dog yet...

Fawlty Turrets - The Lakelander's Cut...

The scene : - A small hotel near Tunbridge Wells, Kent. A frustrated Basil O’Blene (Scrobs...) is peering at a computer screen with increasing anguish and frustration.

Basil O’Blene: - "Polly, I thought I asked you to sort this blasted contraption out"

Polly: - “I’m sorry Mr O’Blene; I’ve just got too much to do here, what with Manuel having one of his turns, and Chef doing a stupid thing with the eggs again...”!

Basil O’Blene: - "Well, it’s just not good enough Polly – Manuel is a waste of space anyway, but I’ve always thought you could sort him out – one way or another”!

Polly: - “I know he’s useless Mr O’Blene, but at least he tries to help; he is from Barcelona you know...”!

(Sybil enters the reception area of the hotel; she is looking very sexy and wiggling her bits about as usual...) (Pru moment...)

Sybil : - “Basil, I thought I told you to sort out that computer of yours! It’s there in the office, making squawking sounds, and smells of something unpleasant! Sort it out will you - NOW”!

Basil O’Blene: - "Yes I know ‘Dearest’, it has a mind of its own! It is a COMPUTER Dearest, a machine which makes life easier! (hits forehead with palm of hand in exasperation. Aside and softly) Something you’ll never understand”!

Sybil : - “I heard that Basil! I don’t care what you do, just make it do what we paid all that money for, and get us some customers!”

Basil O’Blene: - "Yes Dearest Heart... (aside) ‘witch of the wind’...”! (rolls eyes).

Sybil : - “I heard that too Basil; if you spent more time talking to our guests, and less time fiddling around with that silly machine, we’d all be much better off"!

Basil O’Blene: - "Bye bye Dearest; presumably you’re off out somewhere? The golf course maybe? The Coven"?

Sybil : - “You’re not funny Basil; I’m actually going to meet the ladies of the new crochet circle, they have a small party arranged for people with real skills, not playing with things they don’t understand...! And while I’m gone, just call ‘Lakes Computers’ and they’ll have someone there who knows what they’re talking about.”

Basil O’Blene: - "But I’ve already called Mr O’Reilly, Sybil, and he told me that he deals in Apples all the time, he’s also much cheaper...”

Sybil : - “He deals in Apples because he is a greengrocer Basil; now do as I tell you and get it fixed!”

Basil O’Blene: - (ignoring her, then looking up) "Still here Sybil? I thought you had to get stitched up somewhere”! (starts to laugh inanely at his own joke. Sybil gives him a pitying look and wiggles out of the front door). (Another Pru moment...)

Major : - “Evening O’Blene, anything happening this evening”?

Basil O’Blene: - "Evening Major, not much to report I’m afraid; typhoid outbreak in Tunbridge Wells kills three hundred, outbreak of rats in Westminster! Earthquake in Hawkshead! I can’t get the computer to work, so I’m afraid that the drinks are limited tonight; the brewery didn’t get the order!”

Major : - “I knew a commuter once, he used to go to London every day to work in an office! Rum way of life don’t you know”!

Basil O’Blene: - "No, this is a COMPUTER Major, an electric machine which does things for you, it's supposed to help you and let you get on with life”!

Major : - “Oh, I don’t think he did anything like that, he worked for a bank”! (wanders into the bar).

Manuel : - ”Meeza O’Blene, Polly she say tha’ yo’ compuher no work! I fix”?

Basil O’Blene: - “Manuel, I’m more likely to get it mended by a dyslexic one-eyed terrapin than by your efforts! Just get out to the kitchen and start with the tables, and clean the silver tureen while you’re at it”!

Manuel : - ”Turin...Turin, but I come fro’ Barcelona...”! (looks worried).

Basil O’Blene: - “I said TUREEN Manuel, TUREEN! God - didn’t they teach you anything in that dungheap of a place you were dragged up from?”

Manuel : - ”Que?”

Basil O’Blene: - “The tureen is the large silver bowl we serve soup from Manuel! It is in the dining room! Just go and get the polish”!

Manuel : - ”Que? Polish, bu’ Meeza O’Blene, I say I come from Barcelona...no Polish...”! (wanders off looking hopelessly lost).

(the phone rings, Polly answers it)

Polly : - “Mr O’Blene; Mrs O’Blene is calling to ask if you’ve rung ‘Lakes Computers’ yet”? (Yet another Pru moment...)

Basil O’Blene: - “Polly, I only have one pair of hands, and Manuel is going to get both of them round his neck any minute now! And no, I haven’t rung ‘Lakes Computers’ yet so tell her that I’m trying to run a hotel, not fool around with one of her chums that she’s met at her golf club”!

(Noise of Sybil’s screech from receiver, “I heard that Basil”!)

Polly : - “Mr O’Blene, the number’s here, on this post-it note, with some – er - pencil flowers wound round the name and a few – er – crosses in the corner...” (stares at note with vaguely distant expression...)

Basil O’Blene: - “Well don’t just stand there Polly, call ‘The Lakelander’! Tut; ‘Lakes Computers’! What sort of name for a firm is that! Why not ‘Windermere Wiring’, or – oh – ‘Kendal mend-all’! Pah! (slowly shakes his head with a pitying smirk, tuts and rolls his eyes).

(Polly dials the number).

Polly : - “Yes, is that ‘Lakes computers’? It is? Oh good!.....what?.....how did you know we were going to call.....you know everything because Syb.....you know her from the golf.....how many times.....Thursdays.....and Fridays....oh.....and Mondays!!! Look – er – Mr Lakelander.....oh, it’s ‘Lakes’ is it.....er, we have a problem with our.....oh, you know all about that you say.....riiiiight....”

Basil O’Blene: - (exasperated and crashing his fingers all over the keyboard) “Polly what’s going on? (peers at her) Polly, you’re all flushed – are you alright"?

Polly : - “I’m fine Mr O’Blene.....just fine.....I – er - think I need to go outside and perhaps, oh, smoke a cigarette, maybe dream quietly for a few minutes......” (she pulls herself together and leans over Basil, breathing heavily).

Basil O’Blene: - “So what do we do then Polly? Has the ‘Coniston Cableman’ explained how to find the Holy Grail?” (stares back at screen with wild expression).

Polly : - (softly and calmly) “You just press that key there (presses key), then do this, (clicks mouse) now this (presses two keys), now watch...”!

(the computer hums into life, and immediately begins to work perfectly)

Basil O’Blene: - “Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs...”! (stares in wonderment at all the messages bubbling up on the screen; the printer hums, clicks and starts working, and the speakers send out the crescendo from ‘Zadok the Priest' at full blast)

Polly : - “He is just fantastic”! (stares at screen then Basil)

Basil O’Blene: - “Polly, I’ve just decided that I’m going to give you the biggest hug you’ve ever had! (alarm all over Polly’s face).

(Basil grasps as much of Polly as he can with two hands just as Sybil walks in the door)

Sybil : - “So, as soon as my back’s turned Basil, I come back and find the Major drunk in the bar because he’s had two pints of Creme de Menthe and Dubonnet, Manuel is lying unconscious with a soup ladle embedded in his right ear, and here you are groping a lady member of the staff and just about to have your wicked way across the computer....(slowly stops ranting and stares at computer, which is humming away, and working perfectly.)

Polly : - “It was ‘Lakes Computers’ Mrs O’Blene, he pressed all the right buttons...”

Sybil : - “Yes. I thought he would Polly. He does know which buttons to press doesn’t he..." (gazes into middle distance, and touches her pearl necklace slowly They both stare at faraway objects in the room for a few seconds, while Basil looks with increasing horror at the screen He suddenly jumps up and escapes into the hotel lobby)

Sybil : - (turning back to the screen) “We’re fine now Polly, all our messages are flooding in and so are the new reservations for next...” (sees something which makes her frown, then fume, then explode). “Basil, BASIL! What are these pictures on the screen. Basil, who exactly is Ivana Havitova, asking what massage you ordered.....and....ohhhh yes?.... what’s this on-line poker money you’ve won, and – Basil....what’s this, ‘Teenage Tales of the unexpected – explicit”!

(sound of front door banging shut. Grinding sound of Austin 1100 failing to start, with Basil screaming yelling and cursing it from inside...)

Sybil : -(running after him, brandishing a crochet hook) “BASIL, you just come back here this instance! Basil, COME BACK HERE! BASIL! BASIL! BASIL! BASIL! BASIL.....”!

Rorke's Drift, 22nd/23rd January, 1879

You've seen the film a hundred times, heard the story a thousand times, marvelled at the number of VCs...

This weekend is the anniversary of the The Battle of Rorke's Drift and is always remembered in The Turrets because somewhere in the roof, is an old CCF cap badge, with The South Wales Borderers emblem.

I got History 'O' level on the strength of all that, which surprised me and also my long-suffering history master, who also told me once that I had a good game of rugby, and showed some 'guts'...

We learned a lot from men like him - thankyou DJ, you don't really know how much all that meant to a budding Scrobs!

Excellence...

Yet another superb guitarist, who was never on the Scrobs radar...

This is seriously well played, and what a great chap!. R.I.P.

(Hat tip BP, who knows these things...)

Nah na nah nah, nah na nah nah, Hey, Heyaah, what a...

The following article appeared in the Sunday Telegraph in 1989.

CULT STATUS: 25 - BLOW-UP FRUIT

Rattles and scarves are old hat among the followers of the new-look Football League. Today's fans prefer to leave home equipped with inflatable fruit, preferably bananas, with which to demonstrate their approval of the skills deployed on the park.

Suddenly, bananas are everywhere. Like gigantic market stalls come to life, the terraces are burgeoning with six-foot finger fruits. The Mexican Wave has given way to the Tropical Tribute.

It began, so legend has it, with the arrival of a lone banana at Manchester City's Maine Road. The reason was the appearance of a talented player, Imre Varadi, known to the aficionados as `Imre Banana'.

The dirigible digit with which he was applauded was an immediate hit, and soon the yellow peril had reached Arsenal - inflatable cannons must have been too difficult to make. At West Ham, however, blow-up hammers were soon making their impact felt, while at Grimsby the air-filled fish surfaced. Bury's bloody response was the world's first black pudding blimp.

League officials were nonplussed. Bananas were mushrooming to the extent that a view of the pitch - and the action between the goalposts - could only be obtained from the touchline. Spectators were even turning up at the turnstiles carrying children's inflatable dinghies and airbeds.

There was no alternative. Police sent in the Ludicrous Crimes Squad and began to confiscate the offensive fruit, and soon the sight of a billowing banana may be as rare as a bottle of scotch in the Ayatollah's cocktail cabinet. A sad day indeed for the seriously silly.

(Just to prove that Scrobs is not just a grumpy old man who hates football. He's just been reading the obit for Nat Lofthouse, who was never a 'Jodrell Banker', but he was a damn good centre forward).

January economics...

Sometime at the end of last year, those of you who are over 60 years old will have received a heating allowance payment.

This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q. What is a 'WHA' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Currys, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you buy any fish, the rest of the EU will get it.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you want a plumber, it will go to Poland.

* If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in England by:

1) Spending it at boot sales, or

2) Going to football/rugby games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Buying Beer, or

5) Getting tattoos/body piercing.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating here profitably)

Conclusion:

Go to a football/rugby game with a tattooed/rewired prostitute that you met at a boot sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.