Monday, 13 November 2017

A surfeit of lamps...

Just this evening, we suddenly discovered that we were somewhat lacking in the tincture department, and that a visit to our local Tesco was in order, to make up the deficit.

Now I'm never one to complain as everyone knows, I mean, we even watched three seconds of the BBC 'News' before I threw a bottle at the screen while they spouted their usual leftie bile, but a reduction of levels of tincture is not for the squeamish!

So any'ow, a visit to the fifth aisle was becoming a dead cert, and so it was! Several bottles were gently laid in order in a trolley, and a bank card was checked at least eighteen times before I ventured to the till. Now, at this time of night, there are no girls we recognise at all, they're all at home, but a vague recollection of a pretty cashier resolved me to unload the collection and think of England. Nice lass, firm b...

All was fine, and your friendly Scrobs meandered back to the relatively new car to prepare for the short journey home.

Bugger me, every single light in the car started to blaze away, and I thought that Blackpool had arrived, which is pretty stupid really, but there was so much light everywhere, I needed sunglasses - but they were at home!

And I didn't have a clue how to turn everything off! The interior lights stayed on and shone in my eyes, the dashboard was flashing like every lighthouse in Christendom at the same time, and above all, I had a warning light as well! It was dark, so I couldn't find the manual, which is written in forty-eight languages, and has so many warnings that I'm really scared of it, and after pressing all the switches in a flurry of panic at the traffic lights I realised that I'd left the boot open...

Blimey! What an escapade! I don't really want to go out after dark these days, Mrs Scroblene is just the finest company I could wish for, but even a foray out at such an hour as six-thirty after the clocks change is now somewhat aligned to Scott of the Antarctic meeting David Livingstone in a pub near Droitwich, and discussing the relative merits of tomatoes in aspic...

I'm staying in for the next four months, (except for a boozy 'do' I've been invited to just before Christmas), and that's the way it'll be! (I'm walking this year, last year I went on my electric bike, got my foot caught on the chain in the dark and fell off)!

And they haven't even turned the lights on in Regent Street yet!


rvi said...

Oooh you silly billy! Luckily you seem to have managed to get the whole consignment home in one piece. In certain areas of what used to be England, if you did that every bottle would have gone before you reached the first corner!

Deutschewagons have very good warning indicators to alert drivers that something is wrong. In your case it seems you get a son et lumiere performance. In my little 15 year old runabout, I get pretty pictures in the warning screen - driver's door open, boot open, rear left bulb off etc etc. If somebody sitting in front forgets to put on their seat belt, once the speed reaches 15kph, it produces a very loud and irritating beeping noise, which continues until the command to belt up is obeyed.

Many years ago I had a new Peugeot 406 (lovely car which my neighbour took up his 'first refusal' offer and bought from me - and it still goes just fine). That one also gave warnings as needed but it used to produce an unstoppable (until the speed was reduced) ting ting ting ting when the speed reached 120kph, hinting strongly that I was breaking the national speed limit. I had that shut off permanently at one of its first services!

PS: Talking of that particular supermarket, I read there is a mood afoot for it to be boycotted because of what some folks regard as a completely unsuitable ad for Christmas. Has the revolution started yet?

8 goes again!!

The Jannie said...

"that particular supermarket, I read there is a mood afoot for it to be boycotted"
There are some loud and mindless SJWs who really need to get a job to focus their outlook on the real world.

Goosegirl said...

Flippin' heck, you had me going there! For a minute or several I thought you'd done a Henry 1st and were on your way to A&E for the last rites! How on earth such a sensible toper like you could possibly discover at such a late stage in the day that you'd run out of tinctures is beyond me. Haven't you got a reserve supply hidden in a safe place if so, couldn't you remember where it was? Perchance you'd already imbibed it post-"news" in which case I don't blame you one little bit. My OH never embarks on any project whatsoever whether it be a new car, fridge, slow-cooker or how to open a tube of glue without fully reading (or reading fully) all the instructions. It does take him some time to find the English version which is why I prefer to scrub the kitchen floor as it gets rid of my angst. Even while doing that commendable act, I have to keep getting up from my knees to find the little screw he put down (er-lost) in a safe place which was unfortunately the carpet that I just hoovered (or Dyson-ed), and you wonder how on earth I can remain sane! Mike - just plug some fairy lights into your car but please don't stick your finger in the socket by accident as the whole of Kent will light up!!

A K Haart said...

Cars get smarter and smarter. Yours may have heard how you prefer not to go out after dark so it tried to be helpful by turning night into day.

Thud said...

You need to get hasn't taken you long to turn into one of those crazy old folk!

Scrobs. said...

Jannie and Thud, I have got a job! It's full time here with so much to do, even though the garden is slowing down!

If you saw my work list, you'd wonder how I manage to face getting up in the afternoons...!

Scrobs. said...

Reevers, in fact all the shop ads are crap this year which is a pity!

We're doing a big shop at Tesco later this morning, as I get 20% discount and there's some stuff I really do need for the home!

Back to the yarn, I still need to get used to the 'stop-start', as sometimes the car says, 'sod off, you didn't brake properly', or similar... And I can't work out why the rear-view mirror doesn't darken when I want it to!

As petrol is going up soon, I reckon the increase for us will be about £2.00 a month, which I can live with!

Scrobs. said...

Now that reminds me of a Woody Allen flick from the sixties Mr H...

I'll check the manual again...

Scrobs. said...

Goosey, have you seen the later VW Manuals? There's pages and pages of stuff, much of which doesn't apply to my car, and that means you have to eliminate anything referring to the clutch (it's an auto), and - er - that's it so far...

BTW, love your 'T and T' poem, why not post it here for the others? It won't cost you much! Reevers occasionally makes a guest post!

Goosegirl said...

As OH is away today (sing "Silent day. Silent day. All is calm, all hurray! Round yon tables, chairs and the floor, I found some things that I'd not seen before... please feel free to end this drivel). For me to eliminate clutches I'd have to buy handbags with handles so I can avoid having to clutch it in one hand, under my armpit, my chin, between my knees, or some other convenient place so I can hold a champagne glass together with a plate of delectable items from the buffet, a serviette, assorted cutlery, salt, pepper, other assorted sachets and still be able to shake the hand of mine host. Other types of clutches I cannot possibly comment on.
Ok Mike - here's me poem!

(Ta-Ta for now)

Toby and Tina are terribly nice.
They live in a flat in the town.
They married in May and tripped to Tahiti
And came back exceedingly brown.

Their flat is quite tiny – it’s awfully wee.
Their curtains are made out of gauze.
They have fish in the foyer, a phone in the loo
And a terrace with patio doors.

Toby is training to be an executive.
Tina makes things for the freezer.
When he’s had one or two, Toby takes off his trousers
And Tina’s a terrible teaser!

Toby and Tina both drive a Toyota;
So do Tarquin and Tamsin, their chums.
This Tuesday, they’re going to hit the Sport’s Centre
To tone up their tits and their bums.

Toby and Tina are first in the water,
Their bodies all oily and shiny.
Tina’s bikini is turquoise and pink
And Tony’s in Lycra that’s tiny.

Tarquin and Tamsin are getting a tan;
They’ve decided they’re not getting wet;
Whilst Toby and Tina take turns on the treadmill,
But hardly break out in a sweat.

Tamsin now tries out the old toning tables
And Tarquin tries pumping some iron.
Toby and Tina are quite tuckered out
And find some nice mats they can lie on.

All toned up and glowing, they take a cold shower
Then, starting to feel a bit warmer,
They all get togged up in their trendiest attire
To trot to the pub ‘round the corner.

Toby will have a Tequila and tonic
And Tina’s martini is dry.
Tarquin and Tamsin have Pimm’s Number One
And they all shout “Here’s mud in your eye!”

“Time to go home now; s’been smashingly nice”
They all say. “Let’s do it again!”
“Ta-ta” says Toby as they all toddle off.
“Cheerio and T.T.F.N!”

rvi said...

Hmm...Hahaha excellent - but I thought tomorrow was POETS day! Anyway...

The boy stood on the burning deck
His feet were covered in blisters.
He split his trousers down the back
and had to borrow his sister's.

I think that should lower the tone sufficiently in time for the weekend..

18 bloody goes !!!

Goosegirl said...

rvi - love it!! I'll match you and raise you another. Here goes:
The girl stood on the burning deck.
A hosepipe in her hand.
Her boyfriend said "Oh, flipping heck.
What a helluva one-night stand."

rvi said...

Goosey, haha naughty you! You win.

I have to confess I did not play that nasty wuff wugby game when I was young and was thus denied access to all those embrocation-laden dressing room ditties (and I sadly mislaid my LP of them several years ago). Meanwhile:

I think our host would flip his lid
If he could see us here
But knowing him he'll merely grin
And go and get another beer.

rvi said...


I am still snickering about the use of that clever 'hose' double entendre. It took me a while to realise it concerned not what a fireman might use, but rather something found in a lady's whatnot drawer. (I have led a very sheltered life!). Meanwhile...

The God of War rode out one day
upon his favourite filly.
"I'M THOR!!, he cried.
His horse replied
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly".

If our host drops in to see what's cooking
I think we'll both get a yellow card booking.
But I don't care as I'm off to the pub
to join the weekly POETS day club.

Electro-Kevin said...

I hope it's sorted. My VW group car went up the shoot too - something called a 'squib' decided to check out early.

(airbag light, no horn - a mere £350 to replace ! Cars are waaay to complicated nowadays.)

Scrobs. said...

Blasted Poets day! Hmphhhh!

The moment my back's turned, you're all bugering about and being very naughty!

My only addition to this frivolity is:

The boy stood on the burning deck,
Playing a game of cricket,
The ball went up his trouser leg
And hit his middle wicket!

Scrobs. said...

Elecs, so far so good...

Funnily enough, I had a call from the VW dealership (not my garage), who had sorted the emissions thing on the old Golf.

He just wanted to advise me that the new cam belt was due, but was very disappointed when I told him it had been sold...

That's saved us about £600 methinks...

Goosegirl said...

rvi, you little tinker! She was just putting out the flames of passion and I didn't realise I'd made a double-entendre!! Er, um, continuing the god theme:

Wodin and Odin they walked into town
But Horus and Erebus favoured the bus.
Loki and Lakshmi rang to order a taxi
And Jupiter got on his scooter.

Vishnu and Pluto decided to go to
See Hermes and hired a car.
Saturn got tickets and sat on a plane
And Bacchus went on the wagon.

Aphrodite and Nike got the thumbs-up to hike.
Isis sailed a boat down the Thames.
The non-driver Vulcan said “I’ve got a full can
Of petrol” so Pan piped it straight in his van.

Minerva went further than anyone else
‘Cos she found a great deal on her web.
Osiris thought Bast went much faster than Ra
But Hera was nearer by far.

When Apollo and Sappho arrived at the Bistro
They saw Ceres and Set who were sat on the steps.
They said “"Please do not blame us. It's just that Uranus
And I got the wrong day. It should have been Sunday.

Do you fancy a curry? Shall we go for a pizza?
But Neptune fortunately said he would treat them.
So they went to the Ritz where they got rather pissed
Again and again infinitum.

rvi said...

The boy stood on the burning deck
reciting mythology in verse....
Our host will shout at us again
- last time he was rather terse.

Back when I was much younger, very few folks went to university even after having secured decent A level results - me included. So I did not have to spend dark evenings in a cold dormitory learning about all these classic mythological figures. I was, however, quite good at Latin (never lower than 2nd in my class exams) but decided to give it up when I was 13/14. Happily we did not do Greek at my school.

I knew I would never need Latin seriously in my future, but the grounding it gave me into the English language was something for which I have been extremely grateful over the past 60+ years. The outfit I joined when I was eventually ready to face the world demanded compulsory at least O level English Language and Literature passes (back when O and A levels ware actually worth something!) and reasonable competence in at least one other European language - German, French, Spanish etc. Armed with these and a modicum of what used to be known as common sense I was fortunate enough to be able to spend a good part of my working life travelling. But it was always nice to be home again.

Goosegirl said...

I've never done Latin and it was only when I got into gardening did I realise that many of the botanical plant names derived from either Latin or Greek. Whilst researching the history of Thurnham, Lancs, I came across many Latin words which I didn't know (e.g. uxor) and also how to read old Latin documents. How our language evolved is fascinating and now I can recognise certain stem words and how they progressed in their usage. Unfortunately that can't be said about some of today's words however:
Our host stood on the burning deck.
His shoes were all aflame.
"You trumped me with a Royal Flush!
What a bloody stupid game!"