Friday, 21 December 2007

Shutting up shop for t'festivities...

Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone - and thanks so much for all the good chat!


The Twelve Days of Christmas.(Traditional – well nearly)

On the first day of Christmas my Client sent to me.....One vague letter of appointment on a laughably insignificant, suspicious and possibly illegal industrial whale blubber smelters descaling and rendering-down plant on a waste tip in Nottingham.

On the second day of Christmas my Client’s solicitor delivered to me.....Two photocopies of our fee agreement with a pencil note in my client's accountant’s spidery scrawl still attached, reducing the percentage by a third. (the reference to ‘bloody liar’ was nearly rubbed out).

On the third day of Christmas my Client left (just after lunch at 3.45 pm) on my mobile ..... Three tired, emotional and totally slanderous messages about the goings on at the planning committee.

On the fourth day of Christmas my Client couriered (unpaid) to me......Four photocopies of an article showing him doing the twist (!) with a glamorous local councillor at a charity function at The Ritz.

On the fifth day of Christmas my bank sent first class registered mail to me .........Five red letters!

On the sixth day of Christmas my Client's long-suffering wife biked (c.o.d) to me.......A list of six contractors to tender, one with a golf invitation still attached, and also an extra one from her local builder who has been putting up a few things in her en-suite recently...

On the seventh day of Christmas my stupid nephew, who's training to be a Chartered Surveyor, sent to me ........A bill for seventy quid for a few grey pictures of the site taken in the rain during the evening, and seven of the inside of his car while trying to work out how the camera worked.

On the eighth day of Christmas my Client wrongly faxed to me......Eight grovelling pages of pathetic mumbling gibberish about his delay in the deal, all of which should have gone to the equity fund.

On the ninth day of Christmas my Client's agent emailed to me.......Some very nasty notices from a Mr Hideous-Ache (sounds like), Environmental Health Officer, with the intimation of impending messy legal action.

On the tenth day of Christmas my Client's idiot assistant wrongly dropped off at my neighbour's home (who eventually passed them on to me just as I was going to bed)......Eleven (he never could count) pages of queries connected with the colaterel (he never could spell either) warranties.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Client forwarded to me..........Eleven holiday snaps from Bermuda (with the glamorous councillor in a ridiculous gold lame bikini) and a new mobile number, (the other one had fallen from his Bermuda shorts pocket into the crystal-clear waters…….(so it said on the insurance form – next to the Rolex Oyster claim……..)

On the twelfth day of Christmas my Client ordered, for me to collect from Threshers.......A dozen bottles of cheap Bratislavian (country peasant blended and unfiltered) red wine to celebrate the fact that he had sold on the development at 200% profit and was cancelling our agreement.

15 comments:

lilith said...

I do hope this is entirely fictional Scrobs...Christmas hugs to you and all your lovely ladies xxxx

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Have a large malt, old boy, and fuck the clients for a couple of weeks.

Jane Llewellyn said...

Yup.. what Killem said should do the trick... or a nice red or 2.

Happy Christmas! LJ xx

Trubes said...

Hee Hee Scrobs you do make me larrf.
Merry Christmas, again !

Di.xx

Sen. C.R.O'Blene said...

Lilith! Yup, all my own work of fiction...but done years ago when someone actually used to pay me...You have a great Christmas too, we've had some great chats this year and I've enjoyed every minute! Might do a Doris post if I get bored/tired and emotional...

Killemall! You are up there with the best - and dead right as well!

Laders; Seeing younger Daught today, and she is rather partial to that sentiment too! So is Mrs S for that matter...!

Trubes! Yer lovely! And of course, you must have a great time too!

Daisy said...

that was very good scroblene...hopefully this year will be better for you work wise and provide you with at least three wise men/women in your dealings...we can always hope!

Merry Christmas to you and Mrs. S...

Electro-Kevin said...

Bloody brilliant, Scrobs !

Ha ha ha ...

Only the Deutchers could invent a word that encapsulates joy in another's misfortune - schadenfreude. But I'm not German and never have been, I'm laughing with you and not at you so ...

Happy Christmas to you and your dearest.

;-)

Sen. C.R.O'Blene said...

Daisers! You are the first to know that a letter in today's post turned everything slightly rosier than dull grey...Thanks so much for for that, and please enjoy your Christmas as best you can! I like your reference to Wise men and women...they're all there in waiting now I think...

Elecs; Perfect! Now; you know I'm not an estate agent, but this post was portrayed as someone who was/is...The sentiments are all there, but I can assure you that I am not the Vagrant; I am not the Vagrant; etc etc etc ....Much joy to you and yours this Christmas Elecs, your style is a masterclass in what I like in blogging old chum!

Jane Llewellyn said...

It Came Upon the Midnight Clear

(E. H. Sears)

It came upon the midnight clear,
That glorious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth
To touch their harps of gold:
"Peace on the earth, good will to men,
From heaven's all-gracious King."
The world in solemn stillness lay
To hear the angels sing.

Daisy said...

scroblene i am so happy to hear of the rosiness :)...you made my evening...i smiled even!

fuchsia groan said...

Very funny Scroblene. And a very Merry Christmas, full of cheer (of the boozy variety).

Anonymous said...

Brilliant, Scrobs!

Have a great Christmas.

Tuscan Tony said...

Scrobbles, brilliant! I esp. enjoyed the Rolex Oyster - as my own pride and joy (a 16613) now lies in around 10 feet of (inaccessible) water hard by Miramare castle in Trieste, NE Italy.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS to Scrobs, Mrs S and and the Scrob-ettes, and very much looking forward to hearing the origin of the scroblene handle before the year is out (*sound of gauntlet being thrown down*)

Modo said...

Merry Christmas to you and all chum.


L.

idle said...

Hppy Chrstms