Members of the Scrobs Commune for Reality, Information, Nolledge and Grand Excellence (SCRINGE), are utterly devastated to learn that one of their favourite counties, Dorset, has broken away from the mainland, and will continue to disrupt the weathermen's bonuses for at least the next three weeks!
The Chairman of SCRINGE, Mr Stourton Winterborne-Stickland, was understandably almost sober when he reported to the Quinquennial Committee during some sort of meeting in ‘The Eight Bells’, that the new Met Office computer, which has been built in Widdleplopsplashgigglewhoopsie, (a small hamlet outside Dorchester), and designed to calculate the eight times table in just under three hours, is so heavy that the old county just groaned last Thursday, and decided to drift away into the English Channel!
Latest reports mention that parts of Weymouth have actually arrived in St Malo already, and several tables have been booked at ‘Le Fat Stoopede Rosbif’ for a slap-up meat meal washed down with pints of Calvados flavoured stout. (Engleesh cash only, £30.50 per tete inclooding pooding).
Miss Amelia Okeford-Fitzpaine, a trainee marble inserter from Purbeck, awoke on Friday, to find that her cottage was approaching Guernsey at three knots, while her small cat, Blandford, was sitting in a tree on the mainland, wondering what to do next!
“There I was, nearly relocated on a Channel Island, and with not a stitch to wear”, she said to anyone who bothered to listen. But she realised her mistake on being shown pictures of herself, well kitted out with three loosely rivetted Swanage-knit jumpers, a forage cap from the Poole Offensive, and a natty pair of orange chainsaw protective trousers.
Members of the A354 Protection Society (A354PS) held an emergency meeting just outside Alderney, where most of the alcohol from the previous night had nearly been washed away by the tide. Nothing was decided as the fumes overtook the whole lot of them and one by one, they slipped into a comatose state, except for the Treasurer, who actually managed to slip into the Secretary’s room in a moment of unprecedented passion.
He was refused at the second jump, but recorded in all the sports columns of the new Continental Press Agency for the new Colony to be known as ‘Saint De La Dorsette’! It joins the new 'Devon Colony Des Anglaises', floating somewhere near Quimper, but keeps wobbling, because everyone keeps giggling because they think it is a silly name for a town!
A spokesman for The Met Office, Mr Arthur Weather, admitted after intensive questioning by reporters, that his performance-related bonus (£4,500), from the previous fortnight’s sleep-ridden ‘work’ had not actually taken into account the desertion of the old English Counties. He was in fact looking at a photograph of small piece of cloud somewhere in Essex, and quite forgot the time!
The Mayor of Avranches, Monsieur Vin-de-Pay-Asyouearn, is planning a small reception in ‘Les Jardins de Lychett-Minster’, where he will welcome all the good Citizens who decide to stay, with a good slap-up fish meal and a pooding the size of their old neighbour, the Isle of Wight, washed down with anything left over from the party when most of Cornwall was washed up a few weeks ago.