Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Gruynd Result...



And the winner is Trubes!

The answer is ‘Candles’!

The ‘first past the post’ system of defining a winner in this diverse and intriguing competition, indicated that the winner would be the first contender to mention the word ‘candle’, and from thereon, a complicated, but mentally rewarding application of data dissemination, statistical analysis, and cheating (a term borrowed from the H.O.C), showed that Trubes is first, closely breathed on by Lils, and followed by Pips, who provided a special post on the ‘Pesakh’ clue.

1) Elton John sang revised words to ‘Candle in the wind’, at Princess Diana’s funeral in Westminster Abbey. He had to sellotape a teleprompter to the keyboard of his Mellotron, to remind him not to sing about Marilyn, and concentrate on the job in hand.

2) There’s a page at the beginning of a chapter in Spike Milligan’s book, “Puckoon”, where he describes a gangling spotty youth who is about to sing in a pub somewhere near this immortal place.

It is possibly the funniest – and longest, description of a single ordinary action that I’ve ever read, and Spike takes up the whole page just describing how the unfortunate youth winds up his frail body, opens his awful and distressing mouth, and commences to make a singing noise in a weedy, thin voice!

The youth displays huge threads of spittle, while his gaping mouth is extending to achieve a vocal climax of some sort of sound. All this made me laugh uncontrollably, when I first read it, especially when I have to refer back to Mrs S’s descriptions of ‘Candles’ (see later).

3) My Dad once told me that his cousin, Jackie, used to sing ‘Old John Braddelum’ at Christmas as his party piece and this ‘star’ act in front of the assembled aunts and uncles, and bored everyone to death. It has taken me ages to find the song, and only recently have I discovered the words! But the unfortunate lad always had ‘candles’ and sniffed all the time as well! (My cousin was the same too, and I complained bitterly that he was getting on my nerves once, sniffing uncontrollably while reading a Giles book and eating cake. I was subsequently bashed senseless by everyone, including my cousin...)

Candles are when your nose starts to drip.

There are children’s candles, when the standard issue square-mouthed crying occurs, and great streams seem to appear in all orifices, soon to be mopped up and discarded while the sherry decanter circulates with frightening speed. And then there are the Oldie’s candles, which appear suddenly on the faces of the old dears – blokes as well, when you see them outside the chemist in January, and sometimes February and March.

These are the inevitable product of ‘Nosism’, a predilection for carrying a handkerchief up your sleeve at all times. You also get candles when you have a cold, but just don’t go there for now...

4) I was a bouncing one year old on 19th July 1948. (That was easy, because everyone knows that)!

5) And finally, there’s the Forest Candle!

We’ve recently logged five stages of candles, and they range from ‘Birthday Cake’, on to ‘Nightlight’, then ‘Mantelpiece Power cut’, up to ‘Church Altar’, and finally, ‘Easter Sunday’, with the Paschal Candle (Pesakh) stands in the corner of the Nave, looking just like a very, very cold day in the frost and the wind and the ice and the snow...

15 comments:

Trubes said...

Yeees.... I won.
Such a honour Scrobs...What's the prize then ?
I shall light my candles in the kitchen this evening, whilst preparing Dt's sumptuous evening feast!
Glasses will be raised!

Di.xx

Trubes said...

P.S. Also, Pippy deserves an accolade as, she hit on the candle too!

I once set a kitchen cupboard on fire with one of my candles...

DT was not impressed and threw the said candle, down the garden...

I suppose that could be 'A Candle in the Wind' moment!

Trubiedoo.xx

Philipa said...

Sorry but 'candles' does not describe when your nose runs, that's 'dew-drop'. Well, not where I come from. Thanks, Trubes, we have dance class this evening but afterwards I too will raise a glass as you suggest :-)

Have 'Matilda' on in the background - it's like watching my biography without the advantage of being able to work magic. The sky is belching ice down on us and the emerging buds are cowering at being caught out in their impudence. The prospect of spring flickers like a candle in the wind. And I long for the warmth of the season.

Scrobs... said...

Well done Trubes!

I'm still making up my mind about the prize, but be assured, that Harrods don't even know what I'm planning for when I'm rich and can whisk such a thing away to Chez Trubes...

Enjoy eating the candles tonight - odd choice of meal, but everyone to their own I suppose...;0)

Scrobs... said...

Pips there is a view that they could be called dew drops, but the whole point of a candle is that it - er - stays joined to - er - the nose before it - er - elngates candle-fashion and clatters to the floor/ground/lap after a prolonged dangling moment...

Don't feel too bad about it Pips, your descrioption of the 'Paschal Candle' was spot on!

Philipa said...

No danger of that, Scrobs.

Trubes - tis all your fault: I treated myself to a bottle of (very cheap) wine. I felt proper posh! Cheers :-)

Scrobs... said...

Have a slurp on me Pips, you're a good sport!

The cheaper the better as far as I'm concerned, although I've started a vino-intake-slow-down this week, because certain items of clothing all seem to have shrunk after Christmas!

Funny that...;0)

lilith said...

When looking at the clues I have to admit that fork handles sprang to mind, but I lacked the courage of my musings.

Sometimes Scrobs, when I hear this programme on Radio 4 asking these types of questions, I begin to wonder if I am on drugs or if the "clues" were really what I heard...

wv. raver

Scrobs... said...

You're so right Lils, the clues are usually impenetrable, until some bright spark mentions just one bit of an answer, and all the other sparks join in.

And I still don't understand what they're talking about...

This 'compo' came out of a walk in the forest a few days ago, when just at the moment that I asked Mrs S to take JRT's lead, as I was approaching at least a 'Mantelpiece Power-cut', I took my eyes of the dog, who promptly shot off somewhere in the split second it takes to hand over a lead.

It was only the fact that I was Johnny Wilkinson for a few seconds that managed the crashing tackle to bring her (JRT, not Mrs S), to heel again...

From then on, the five levels of 'Candle' emerged with increasing mirth!

So the format now is:-

1) I mention the level of 'candle', or Mrs S does.
2) I, or Mrs S stare at JRT as though she might dissolve again.
3) The lead is handed over with both hands each.
4) The 'Candle' is dispatched as necessary.
5)JRT looks round in that funny way and says (barks) 'stupid sods...'!

Trubes said...

Scrobs: Your last comment to Lils has me totally baffled...
Je ne comprend pas!
'Mantelpiece power cut?

Di.x

Philipa said...

I don't get 'Mornington Crescent'.

Scrobs... said...

Trubes!

'Mantelpiece Power cut' describes the sort of nosist 'candle' which is about middle of the range...

It is of meedium range and length, but requires urgent tending with either a Kleenex or at best a piece of kitchen roll.

'Paschal's' are the worst, which really are disgusting, and not to be approached without an industrial vacuum nozzle at full volume!

Are you with me, or do I have to delve deeper...?

Scrobs... said...

Pips...!

Now there you've opened up a huge can of worms, and perhaps that's what you wanted to do.. eh?

It has to be a new post, but there are much better ones on the subject out there.

Are you really serious? ;0)

Trubes said...

'Nuuf' information now thanks Scrobs....
Please, no Mornington Crescent stuff, it gets on 'me neeerves', as the dopey scouse footballer Steven Gerard, would say!

Di.xx

Would love to see a picture of JRT..pleeese!

Philipa said...

I'm afraid I am, Scrobs and would welcome a post on 'Mornington Crescent' but you'd have to do something to keep Trubey sweet ;-)