There was mayhem at my good friend Elias Sagtrouser's Emporium for Brazen Spigots, 1" Reinforcement Bars and pints of WD40, yesterday, when Miss Newt and another well-known renegade, Ron Groat, (who takes her to Chapel every Sunday and has his dinner at her place afterwards) arrived, to make some purchases.
Miss Amelia Newt is a well known character in this man's village, as she used to own the old corner shop by the crossroads, and sell all sorts of things including chewing tobacco and hemorrhoid preparations, but when the modest 350,000 s.f. Sodden Prickney Leisure and Athletic Themery (SPLAT), together with a modest 675,000 s.f. of retail was developed down the road, (see Scrobs passim), she decided to call a truce, as did Ron Groat, on several occasions, but that is a completely different story!
Elias and his loving wife, Gloriette were attending to a few embrocations in 'The Bells', after what was indeed, a very busy day. Gloriette's chosen tincture is usually a very small tonic and an extremely large gin, and indeed there was a good sized glass at her dainty elbow, and signs of a previous order a few inches away, so it must have been pretty busy after all! Elias had already reduced two pints of Shep's 'Summer Bastard' (ABV 5.8%), and it was a pint mug of the same which he thrust in my direction as I entered the bar for my Friday evening lunch. The action vaguely reminded me of Geoff Capes on a good day...
"It's been a real bugger today, and no mistake", intoned my friend. Gloriette nodded sagely, and her hand wavered towards the glass to ensure that it didn't escape.
"I guess you will tell me what happened, Elias, and please don't pull the punches, as you don't do that very well"! I said, noticing out of the corner of my eye, that even their painted daughter, Toniatelline and her despairing squeeze, Meccano, were sitting morosely in the window seat, nursing some sort of mauve coloured drink with a chunk of lemon and a straw poking out of the bottle.
'Some silly sod came into the yard claiming that it was good for the UK to stay in the blasted EU'! Elias exclaimed, going very red in the face, and causing Gloriette to pat his trembling hand (the one without the beer mug, which was in danger of being crushed to smithereens by the other hand)!
Elias continued. 'He said that all the foreigners coming here would be good for business and we'd get lots of work and we'd sell lots of building stuff to them'!
'Surely Miss Newt and Ron Groat don't want to be part of the Stay-on-regardless' mob, Elias', I said.
'Oh it wasn't that old pair', he laughed, 'It was some dipstick from the Kent County Council, saying that we should all 'remain' for the sake of all those poor people coming here and making our lives that much richer'!
'Did anyone in the yard agree with him.? I asked.
'Nope, not a single voice in favour of staying in'!
'So what happened then'?
''Old Ron told him to piss off and do something useful for a change'...
'And'? I started...
'Miss Newt hit him with her umbrella'!
'So it was business as usual then was it'?
'Yup, but we did sell him a bag of cement and a trowel'! Elias grinned to himself...
10 comments:
I am looking forward to the actual mayhem that will ensue when on 24 June it is announced that the "Remain" camp have it by 124 votes.
If the dumb Brits vote to stay in their prison then they will have to live with the consequences. The door is currently ajar, but on 24/6 it will be firmly closed and locked with them inside for ever. ... and as for that thick female GP/MP who made such a fuss over defecting to the other lot yesterday... well words fail me... and there was me thinking that medics had a modicum of intelligence. Seems I was wrong though. But one wonders what she has been offered in exchange because her excuse is one of the most feeble I have ever heard.
Still, as you know, there are still lots of other lovely places outside the EU prison where one can make a nest.
Further to the above, there is brilliant new song yesterday on Going Postal. The URL is
https://youtu.be/wBz6y6ZrmD8 (you will have to copy and paste it to your browser - but do not miss it and pass it on to all your mates down the pub.
Ha ha, I'm pleased to see Elias on top form again. A tale such as this could be part of our immigration checks. Anyone who doesn't understand it doesn't get in.
She's a nobody anyway, Reevers, and won't make any difference. It doesn't take a lot of rocket science to understand that the NHS will be so much better off, as we won't have to pay for immigrants getting their breeding for free, and obesity ops for nothing.
Excellent piece, Reevers!
Going to the pals as we speak!
I've rather missed the old chap, Mr H!
I wouldn't miss Gloriette though, her front top half walks into a room well before the rest of her...
We certainly have the humour on our side ! Scrobleave and rvi.
Much more fun, Elecs!
I have just received this from my geeky sprog and thought it deserves a much wider audience. I have no doubt that you and the other three of us might like to pass it to friends just for the weekend reading (and pitchfork sharpening!)
https://hat4uk.wordpress.com/2016/06/17/anatomy-of-a-murder-how-the-remain-media-hijacked-a-death-for-their-own-ends/
Sorry, you will have to copy and paste as the usual method of posting the link seems not to be complying!
Apologies for intruding on your bandwidth..
Blimey Reevers!
That's some piece isn't it!
I've never heard of the blog, so will keep an eye on it.
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