There was mayhem at my good friend Elias Sagtrouser's Emporium for Brazen Spigots, 1" Reinforcement Bars and pints of WD40, yesterday, when Miss Newt and another well-known renegade, Ron Groat, (who takes her to Chapel every Sunday and has his dinner at her place afterwards) arrived, to make some purchases.
Miss Amelia Newt is a well known character in this man's village, as she used to own the old corner shop by the crossroads, and sell all sorts of things including chewing tobacco and hemorrhoid preparations, but when the modest 350,000 s.f. Sodden Prickney Leisure and Athletic Themery (SPLAT), together with a modest 675,000 s.f. of retail was developed down the road, (see Scrobs passim), she decided to call a truce, as did Ron Groat, on several occasions, but that is a completely different story!
Elias and his loving wife, Gloriette were attending to a few embrocations in 'The Bells', after what was indeed, a very busy day. Gloriette's chosen tincture is usually a very small tonic and an extremely large gin, and indeed there was a good sized glass at her dainty elbow, and signs of a previous order a few inches away, so it must have been pretty busy after all! Elias had already reduced two pints of Shep's 'Summer Bastard' (ABV 5.8%), and it was a pint mug of the same which he thrust in my direction as I entered the bar for my Friday evening lunch. The action vaguely reminded me of Geoff Capes on a good day...
"It's been a real bugger today, and no mistake", intoned my friend. Gloriette nodded sagely, and her hand wavered towards the glass to ensure that it didn't escape.
"I guess you will tell me what happened, Elias, and please don't pull the punches, as you don't do that very well"! I said, noticing out of the corner of my eye, that even their painted daughter, Toniatelline and her despairing squeeze, Meccano, were sitting morosely in the window seat, nursing some sort of mauve coloured drink with a chunk of lemon and a straw poking out of the bottle.
'Some silly sod came into the yard claiming that it was good for the UK to stay in the blasted EU'! Elias exclaimed, going very red in the face, and causing Gloriette to pat his trembling hand (the one without the beer mug, which was in danger of being crushed to smithereens by the other hand)!
Elias continued. 'He said that all the foreigners coming here would be good for business and we'd get lots of work and we'd sell lots of building stuff to them'!
'Surely Miss Newt and Ron Groat don't want to be part of the Stay-on-regardless' mob, Elias', I said.
'Oh it wasn't that old pair', he laughed, 'It was some dipstick from the Kent County Council, saying that we should all 'remain' for the sake of all those poor people coming here and making our lives that much richer'!
'Did anyone in the yard agree with him.? I asked.
'Nope, not a single voice in favour of staying in'!
'So what happened then'?
''Old Ron told him to piss off and do something useful for a change'...
'And'? I started...
'Miss Newt hit him with her umbrella'!
'So it was business as usual then was it'?
'Yup, but we did sell him a bag of cement and a trowel'! Elias grinned to himself...