Sunday, 9 October 2016

Trumpet call...

Report on Local Parish Council Meeting. - (First draft)

There was uproar at Sodden Prickney village hall, on Friday, when Sid Trumpet, (a later addition to the throng) who gets his dinner at Ms Billary's cottage on Sundays after chapel at The Ebenezer Hardline Adventist Buffaloes, and often an embrocation later - taken intravenously, said that he once asked her to consider taking up a voucher for a Janet Reger unmentionable, and she had concurred; several times apparently. He was sorry but was overtaken by her astounding balcony (Change this - Ed), and wanted to make amends.

Ms Billary is a well known character in the village, having been the first person to use a computer in the Sodden Prickney library for checking waste disposal lorry times, and also the number of atomic warheads in Russia. Mr Trumpet is a well known property magnet (they're a builder's merchant aren't they? - Ed), and was instrumental in building the Sodden Prickney's vast retail, sports and fast-food extravaganza some years ago, most of which lies empty these days on account of someone losing the keys to the front gate.

(Mr Elias Sagtrouser and his wife, Gloriette, were heard to mutter that there were several bills unpaid and that a visit with a baseball bat may be the only solution).

Ms Billary and her 'partner', Mr Clinchton, who famously heard a young lady in his office exclaim, that 'she would forget her head if it wasn't screwed on', has supported him through thick and thin, although these days, it's more thin than thick, but that's God's way of telling you to wear better supportive undergarments. Mr Trumpet understands that she still has questions to answer at the HMRC, who believe that she and Mr Clinchton also had an interest in the fast-food extravaganza, but were turned away for being lewd in the queue. Most customers in the same queue were also being lewd, (it's their nature), but that's mainly down to them being sort of customers who join queues just for the sake of them, especially if there's a pizza and chips at the end of them.

(I think we need to edit this some more, Mr O'B. There's a lot to be desired, and I don't mean Ms Billary either)!


Nick Drew said...

the quality of satire hereabouts is on the up!

rvi said...

Dear Secretary,

Please do not give up the day job.

You have omitted to mention that the young lady from the office refused to patronise the fast food extravaganza because she had already tried it before and had left with a nasty taste in her mouth.

Mr Trumpet also muttered something about a number of under the counter payments to Ms Billary which clearly you did not pick up when his microphone suddenly went dead.

I suspect we shall get the full story in the Sodden Chronicle on Wednesday.

Electro-Kevin said...

I am sad to tell you that Nick Kennerley died two weeks ago.

His funeral is Thursday 13th October 11am at Kensall green crematorium. I shan't be there as I'm visiting my terminally ill father who's taken a turn for the worse.

(Beast, Beast of Clerkenwell, The Real Peter Hitchens.)

Michael said...

As always, Mr Drew, your comment is a treasured epic, and needs framing!

Thank you, and may your God go with you!

Michael said...

There are several items to consider from your comment Reevers.

I'm not entirely sure which ones, but I'm sure you're correct, so as you suggest, we'll adjourn, first to 'The Bells' for a few jars of Shep's Best Autumn Fecker - 7.8%, then to the printers to establish a new line of enquiry.

Thank you for pointing whatever you pointed out, out!

Michael said...

Elecs, this is indeed very sad news.

'Beast' was instrumental in me starting my sorry blog all those years ago, when he made such an impact on the Scotton Pinkney blog, with his Wayfarer Explorer Deluxe, which I tirelessly recall whenever I can, and try and get Modo or Fuller to join in, but with no avail.

Lilith told me once that he was indeed an individual to be reckoned with too.

Do you think that a personal post in his honour is on the cards?

I'll email you at home, if you like, and we could maybe do an obit or summat!

A K Haart said...

More, more. What does Gloriette really think of Ms Billary and her habit of inspecting the pavement at close quarters?

Michael said...

Adrian (If I may address you with your given name), I reckon that Gloriette would be able to teach that Billary woman a few tricks, especially about how to keep a proper man like Elias on the straight and narrow!

At least, in my mind's eye, I hope so...

As for pavement-spotting, there's so much more to come out concerning the spin put on her shenanigans. Mr Trumpet is keeping his powder dry methinks!

The next report is due out soon, and I'll keep you informed of course!

Polly Cottonsox - Librarian in Chief said...

Be careful you lot. I am still here and I still maintain the highest of standards!

Electro-Kevin said...

Michael - I did one (sort of) prematurely on the CU site. I had a feeling in my bones something was up. The last time I contacted Nick he was incoherent, becoming more so. That was a year ago. I did ask where he was and got no reply. I know he was living in his mum's block of flats in Westminster and that was about it. It was obvious he was in self destruct mode and he'd upset a lot of his friends who didn't know his condition or whereabouts - and cared even less. (Understandably)

News came by way of an email sent to me by a chap called Damien using Nick's address. He'd been told to let me know, which is comforting in itself.

Anyone here can contact me to say hello btw. You're a good bunch.

Michael said...

Thanks Kevin.

I think we'll let sleeping Beasts lie.

I think I also spy a return to the fold by a certain Ms Cottonsox, but can't be sure yet...;0)