Report on Local Parish Council Meeting. - (First draft)
There was uproar at Sodden Prickney village hall, on Friday, when Sid Trumpet, (a later addition to the throng) who gets his dinner at Ms Billary's cottage on Sundays after chapel at The Ebenezer Hardline Adventist Buffaloes, and often an embrocation later - taken intravenously, said that he once asked her to consider taking up a voucher for a Janet Reger unmentionable, and she had concurred; several times apparently. He was sorry but was overtaken by her astounding balcony (Change this - Ed), and wanted to make amends.
Ms Billary is a well known character in the village, having been the first person to use a computer in the Sodden Prickney library for checking waste disposal lorry times, and also the number of atomic warheads in Russia. Mr Trumpet is a well known property magnet (they're a builder's merchant aren't they? - Ed), and was instrumental in building the Sodden Prickney's vast retail, sports and fast-food extravaganza some years ago, most of which lies empty these days on account of someone losing the keys to the front gate.
(Mr Elias Sagtrouser and his wife, Gloriette, were heard to mutter that there were several bills unpaid and that a visit with a baseball bat may be the only solution).
Ms Billary and her 'partner', Mr Clinchton, who famously heard a young lady in his office exclaim, that 'she would forget her head if it wasn't screwed on', has supported him through thick and thin, although these days, it's more thin than thick, but that's God's way of telling you to wear better supportive undergarments. Mr Trumpet understands that she still has questions to answer at the HMRC, who believe that she and Mr Clinchton also had an interest in the fast-food extravaganza, but were turned away for being lewd in the queue. Most customers in the same queue were also being lewd, (it's their nature), but that's mainly down to them being sort of customers who join queues just for the sake of them, especially if there's a pizza and chips at the end of them.
(I think we need to edit this some more, Mr O'B. There's a lot to be desired, and I don't mean Ms Billary either)!