Friday, 26 October 2012
New tricks - 'The Record Player'...
Sandra: "Listen chaps, we have been told to investigate Norman Wibble, who apparently touched up Cynthia Molestrangler last week"!
Jack: "Not 'Norman the Doorman', surely not Sandra"?
Sandra: "The very same bloke, Jack, he's been thinking about doing it for years, according to Miss Molestrangler, and also he once whistled at Miss Newt, when she went up a ladder in her shop to get a packet of cornflakes"!
Jack: "Well bugger me, I didn't know he had it in him"!
Brian: "Norman Wibble, 69, lives with his mother. Known to everyone as 'The Doorman', as he collects doors. At last count, he had 546 stacked up on his allotment"!
Gerry: "Silly old git"!
Sandra: "Gerry, you can't call Brian a silly old git, that's out of order"!
Gerry: "Naaah, I don't mean Brian is a silly old git, I mean Norman is! He used to be in charge of the local Scout Pack"!
Sandra: "Now we're getting somewhere, Jack, get on the phone to every boy scout you've ever heard of, and take statements from them. I need to report to Strickland in half an hour"!
Jack: "Bah Goom, that's not giving me much time"!
Sandra: "Just do it Jack! Brian, I want details of every record Wibble has ever played, every time he's collected doors, and the names of the people he bought them from! Gerry, I feel like a quickie, so get into my office"!
(Three minutes later...)
Sandra: "God, Gerry, you know how to give a woman a good time! I need handwritten statements from everyone in every radio station in the country on anything which may or may not cast some light on this case! I need these by half past ten, it's nine-thirty now, so we've just got time for an action replay"!
Brian: "Silly old git"!
Jack: "Brian, just because Sandra's pulled down the blinds again, there's no need to be jealous - you would, wouldn't you"?
Brian: (wistfully) "Pullman by name, Pullman by nature, Jack"! They're all the same, these UCOS investigators, but you know, it'll all end in tears"!
Jack: (wistfully) "Yes, I know the feeling..."!
Strickland: "I need those reports by yesterday, Jack, and when Sandra's finished with Gerry, could you ask her to come to my office, I need a quickie"!
Jack: "Silly old git"!
Sandra: "Listen chaps, I've just heard that Wibble was seen enjoying a light ale and a beef sandwich in 'The Nag's Head', only seventeen years ago! We all know what that means don't we"!
Brian: "Not Agatha Molestrangler's pub! It all fits doesn't it"!
Gerry: "Agatha Molestrangler; Phwooooar"!
Jack: "Not our Agatha, surely not"!
Sandra: "The very same! Agatha Molestrangler had absolutely no connection with Cynthia Molestrangler! They were in no way related! I think we're on to something. Jack, take Gerry and go and visit her, she lives in Tenerife. I need a report by this afternoon! Brian, get in my office, I need a qui... cup of coffee!"!
Strickland: "You know it'll all end in tears"!
Sandra: "Silly old git"!
...to be continued.