Wednesday, 7 October 2009

All on expenses...

...



An MP parks his brand new Lexus on a double yellow line in Parliament Square to show it off to his colleagues, and assembled sycophants, spads and wonks.

As he's getting out of the car, a No 11 bus comes speeding along and takes off the door before zooming off down Victoria Street.

More than a little distraught, the MP grabs his mobile and screams for the police, shouting ‘commands’ all the time and annoying the passers-by, and the residents in the blue plastic tents more than somewhat. The Police arrive a few minutes later, but before the copper has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Lexus, my beautiful silver state benefit Lexus is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the MP finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody MPs are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your fiddling your expenses and claiming for things you don’t deserve, that you don't notice anything else going on in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the MP. “Don’t you know who I am; I’m bloody important I can tell you?’

The policeman replies, 'Not really, I presume you sometimes turn up here occasionally, but didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the bus hit you.'

The MP looks down in horror. 'F*****G HELL!' he screams........'My Rolex????...

22 comments:

Blue Eyes said...

I'd give my right arm for a Rolex!

rvi said...

Not worth it Blue - all a Rolex does is tell you the time. There are probably a thousand things worth giving your right arm for, although at the moment I can't think of any.

Philipa said...

Oh very good, Scrobs :-)

Anonymous said...

Not enough swearwords Scrobs but I like it.

Thud said...

Sounds about right.

Scrobs... said...

Blues - I had one years ago, it was my Dad's wartime army version given to officers!

Long sold on now, and probably a good thing as the luminous paint could set off a geiger counter at ten paces - that's if they'd been invented then...

Scrobs... said...

Reevers - Tuscan Tony is the one to ask about them, he recognised one from a photograph of some bloke, taken about three miles away once!

My right arm is definitely for holding various forms of alcoholic beverages, not all at the same time, but pretty close and in the corect order...

Scrobs... said...

Thanks Pips, 'Lexus' and 'chump' seem to be 'in' words at the moment...

You'll note of course, that I didn't actually use the word 'chump', but I thought it just the same...

...no I didn't, I was thinking something utterly foul to describe the sort of cheats we pay for!

Scrobs... said...

Thanks Anon - 'gratuitous' is not my middle name...

Ricardo is!

(Senator Corbieres Ricardo O'Blene being the full title, but don't tell anyone, else they'll think I want an OBE or something, for 'services' to 'services'...)

Scrobs... said...

Thanks Thud - how are the corbels?

Blue Eyes said...

"Blues - I had one years ago"

What, a right arm?

Blue Eyes said...

Early one Monday morning, a Baker goes into a Barber shop for a trim. After the hair cut the Baker say's how much? The Barber says that it is his week of community service, and there is no charge.

The next morning outside of the Barber shop is a freshly baked loaf, and pastry. The Barber is followed in by a Florist. Again after trimming the hair he says there is no charge as it is his service to the community, and the bemused Florist leaves the shop.

Next morning, the Barber discovers a wonderful arrangement of flowers, which he proudly displays in his shop when a Policeman walks in. Yet again the Barber carefully cuts the officers hair, and at the time of payment declares that it is his community service and no payment is required. The Policeman is unhappy, stating that he cannot accept a gratuity, but leaves when the Barber assures him that it is for all of the community.

Next morning on the Barbers doorstep is a bag of donuts, and a cup of coffee.

Within minutes of his refreshment, in walks an MP. Having had his hair cut, the MP offers payment. To his surprise the Barber declines, stating that it is his week for community service. Stunned the MP leaves.

On the doorstep the next day are

25 MP's waiting for a trim.

Trubes said...

Ha ha Scrobs. So funny, gave me a larf.

Di.x

The Old Tarf said...

So sad but it is true.

Scrobs... said...

Blues - yup, you've guessed it...

"Right arm = Rolex"!

Sounds like the best ad campaign any copywriter could dream of...!

Bloody Hell; what have I just said...

Blues - ring me - any time, just do it; you know it makes sense...

Scrobs... said...

Blues, when I said "you know it makes sense", I didn't realise that you were going to post 'that one', but - er - well, the others may have missed it...

On the other hand, it is right on cue, and you will receive the chocolate mouse as arranged...

Scrobs... said...

Thanks Trubes - "Legs Eleven..."

Anything to make you chuckle makes me squirm with - er - something...

Hey now; wasn't there a 'Girl Dance' troup called 'Legs Incorporated'?

They became the lasses who did all the songs on Pop of the Tops with "Fluff" and Jimmy - er Saville...

C'mon Trubes, you've been there; done it tell all...!

If you don't want to, ask Lils; she knows I'm harmless...

Scrobs... said...

Tarfers; I'm rapidly becoming out of my depth here, so please say something which releases the bandages sympathetically...

electro-kevin said...

Ha ha !

rvi said...

Scrobs - showing my age again, those lovely leggy lasses were called Pan's People .

Scrobs... said...

Reevers yer right!

As Ronnie Barker said in "Porridge"...

...Loved Pan's People; lovely Babs, didn't know what her name was...

Priceless...

lilith said...

Hee hee!