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Mr Elias Sagtrouser confided the following ‘off the record’ information with me in The Bells the other day, while I was deciding which MP to report to the Revenue as part of my new appointment with The Telegraph.
He had been working behind the counter in his Builder’s Merchants, taking orders, making calls, shouting at thick storemen and generally being a damn good egg in his business.
A local Builder/Developer, Quentin ffoxley-Cabbage, sauntered in and casually mentioned that he was interested in taking the whole load (several thousand) of reclaimed clay tiles stacked in the yard, for a fixed price to be negotiated. ‘Q’ is a respected man, known to be generous to a fault when it comes to buying everyone several pints of bitter of a Friday after work, and so Mr Elias Sagtrouser happily agreed to let him reserve the stock for a few hours, while ‘Q’ took a sample tile to compare with the roof on the mansion he was restoring.
For consideration, Elias asked ‘Q’ if he could leave a couple of fifty pound notes on the counter as a returnable deposit, and Mr ff-C immediately peeled off a couple of notes from a collection the size of an Izal bum roll.
Mr Sagtrouser is a fair man, but like most business people struggling to pay for their MP’s expensive lifestyles, the sight of a couple of large notes going spare for a couple of hours gave him an idea.
He quickly called Jabez Moxie, a well known local brick manufacturer, and offered to pay his account in cash, as long as Jabez called round for the money immediately. This deal was gladly accepted, and a screech of brakes from an elderly Ford Transit was heard in the yard as the phone reached it's cradle.
Mr Moxie’s wife, Barbarella, needed several quid to settle up with her manicurist, where she had rashly employed Toniatellene Nuggett for three hours to make her nails look rather like the talons of a wishful nobody in ‘Hello’ magazine.
Toniatellene has a bit of a reputation for ‘services rendered’, and there’d been quite a lot of ‘rendering’ going on of late in various households. She was also struggling under her usual premise of being unsure which baked bean in the tin had made her fart, and needed a sum of cash to make sure that it didn’t happen again, for a few weeks at any rate.
So she paid Nurse Atom Heart (not her real name you understand), the two notes to get something more ‘stable’. Nursie had just relaid her bedroom flooring under the close supervision of Mr Elias Sagtrouser’s son, Meccano, and he’d unfortunately made his father a bit of a laughing stock by having to take the whole lot up when the family cat went missing, only to be discovered disguised as a bulge under the bed…
So, the two fifties finally ended up back on Mr Sagtrouser’s counter after only ninety minutes, and just as they were about to be scooped up and placed in the back pocket for safe keeping, in walked Quentin ffoxley-Cabbage as large as life and reclaimed them as the colour of the tiles was unsuitable for his job!
But…
Everyone in the chain was now out of debt, and also breathing huge sighs of relief from the continual financial burden they were facing, and all because of ‘Q’ and his correct business-like attitude.
Politicians take note!
11 comments:
If only eh? Trouble is it ain't just bent politicos is it?
'Fraid you're right Ranter!
There's another email doing the rounds on economics which says that all working people over 50 should be given £1m.
Have you seen it?
Not seen it, heard of it, OH posited something along those lines a while ago. I think there's a lot to be said for it. never happen though as 'fairness' would come into play. L:et's not forget that while it may be our right to assist the economy out of recession, it is other's to stuff as much as possible up their noses and down their throats!
Good yarn. But as a devout honest practising taxpayer what would Quentin's reaction have been had the notes not been on the counter on his return with the tile? The choice appears to be between civil discourse or blood in the sawdust.
Excellent post !
Dear Mr. Darling,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain 's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan :
There are about 20 million people over 50's in the workforce. Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations :
1) They MUST retire. That's Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Automotive Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school / college / university - Crime rate fixed.
5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week - There's your money back in duty / tax etc.
It can't get any easier than that!
Oh, and if more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back there falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
AND FOR THOSE RECENTLY RETIRED, I'M SURE WE WOULD ACCEPT HALF THAT AMOUNT!!!
I think a large dollop of mutual trust was the case here Reevers.
This is not a virtue one associates with sponging politicians at this current time!
Thank you Anon, that's the one, and you've saved me the trouble of posting it!
Ranter, that's a bit too clear isn't it!
Now watch what the quangoists are doing, and we can start with all the claptrap Prescott was pissing about with!
I love this post. Love it.
Thanks Pips; the sage mentality of Mr Elias knows no bounds...
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