Thoughts from a graveyard...

Bill Bryson, in his excellent book 'At home', mentions that an archaeological colleague said that in the churchyard near his house, there were about 20,000 bodies buried, which meant that the area around the church had risen by several feet, and also that it looked as though the church had sunk into the ground. The graveyard has had to accommodate all those material bodies over all these the years!

'The Turrets' has the local churchyard on two boundaries, and also the east thoroughfare which used to have a shop, a bank, and much more interesting, a pub. All these have gone now (thanks to one of Mr Hitler's 'V' rockets), but we strive to continue the tradition of the Market Cross, which adorned our immediate locality.

But looking out at the graveyard from our house, I now wonder at how on earth (or beyond), so many families in our immediate district, now lay quiet and undisturbed, and how so many of the names have vanished without trace. To my reckoning  there may well be up to 100,000 bodies buried close to us here, and all of these people have a connection to me and my family.

I walk JRT through the churchyard most days, and reckon I can look at the stones and the graves with some experience, but now, understanding that there are probably several thousand more buried there, I'll really have to wonder why we're all here, and for such a short time...

Christmas spirit...

A Happy Christmas to my three-hundred and sixty-seven thousand readers, and also the several friends and relations who responded this year.

Next year really will be the one where we all bounce back, and with a following wind, BPs and I will be able to buy a new hat each, and maybe use some expenses for those long lunches we've missed for so long since the last sorry lot consigned us all to recession.

Right, that's enough politics for this year, the week is young, and bottles need to be polished, cheeses need to be gloated over, peanuts hurled over the shoulder for JRT, presents for two (soon to be three) grand-children, and lovely family, Mrs S in demand mode for an early tincture, I'm in de-mob alert, and before I can say "'Bye for now", I've just realised that it is totally pitch dark, and I was supposed to go down to 'The Patch', and dig a few leeks and a parsnip for supper...

Oh, bugger...;0)

'Parent' of the year - the finalists...

...and you need a licence to fish!

Dave Brubeck R.I.P.

My dad bought the record for my mum, and I spotted it in a cupboard only a few days ago...

It went on a bit didn't it!

I can remember hearing it for the first time ever, and wondering what it was all about - perhaps I was a late arrival!

New Tricks - new broom, 'Kent Themerama' romps on to a thrilling finale, part 7(1:5)...

The story so far...

The New Tricks team have been bolstered (some say inspired) by the arrival of two new members, Raedney Trolliter and Trigger, and there is a rumour that more new members are to follow as the BBC cuts bite deep, and Cassandra has been inspired several times already...

Cynthia Molestrangler is dancing the twist in Tenerife with Elvis Willy, and the team are trying to find out why the 'Kent Themerama', with the modest 145,000 sq.ft. shopping mall has begun construction without planning permission. They believe Miss Molestrangler was inspired by person or persons unknown and there was general de-briefing going on in the background, and maybe the foreground as well.

The Eoinker Starborgling consortium is building the sports arena, together with the modest 255,000 sq.ft. retail extravaganza and their clients, Scroblene Enterprise Pictures, couldn't really give a toss about who complains, or what the council says. As Brian usually admits, his attitude is "Fook off"!

.......................................................

Gerry :-"So let's get this straight, Elias Sagtrouser used to employ Elvis Willy as a humper, and now he's freelance; is that right Cassandra?"

Sandra :-"Don't call me Cassandra, I'm a Superintendent, Gerry, and yes, he is freelance. He's also working for Senator O'Blene as a fixer of sorts, you know, gets things done an' that!"

Gerry :-"Yeah, nice one - and also the other, Saaaaaandra...!"

Brian :-"That O'Blene character is a shifty one, Sandra.

Sandra :-"Oh I know that, Brian, Gloriette Sagtrouser and I go back a long way..."

Gerry :-"You know Gloriette, do you Saaaaaandra...? Phwoar! So you didn't get all that way back - did you?"

Sandra :-"Shaddup Gerry! Strickland's on his way down here, chaps; dunno why...!"

Trigger :-"Dave, is there anything I can do...?"

Sandra :-"There's quite a lot of fag-ash under Gerry's chair, Brian's desk is a total mess, and Jack's chair needs a new Stannah Lift. Can you do that?"

(door opens)

Strickland :-"There's going to be some changes round here chaps. Some of the posters here haven't a clue what's going on, because they didn't see the original programmes! I've had a complaint from a lady in Somerset. This has got to stop!"

Gerry :-"What sort of changes, Guvnor?"

Strickland :-"You're on the right track, calling me 'Guvnor', Gerry! The show's taking on several new faces, to mop up all those crimes that were never solved, starting with 'The Sweeney'!"

Jack :-"But they're all dead!"

Strickland :-"Hasn't stopped this programme for the last five years...!"

Brian :-"But what about justice! That O'Blene character and his crowd of crooked mates will just get away with it!"

Strickland :-"He's only doing what MPs and banks have been doing for ages, Brian!"

Raedney :-"I've only just joined, what's my role in all this!"

Sandra :-"Don't tell me, he's going to be given Jack's job!"

Strickland :-"OK, Cassandra, I won't tell you he's being given Jack's job! Raedney's being given your job!"

Sandra :-"But I've only been here for seven series, I should be able to do at least another fifteen or so!"

Strickland :-"NO! You're coming with me, Cassandra!"

Jack :-"Wait till I tell Mary that I'm going to be put out to grass!"

Brian :-"Neigh Lad! So we let the bloody Themerama go ahead as though nothing had ever happened? I'm not having that, I'm calling Esther!"

Strickland :-"You can't, she's left us for 'Last of the summer wine!"

Gerry :- "So who else is joining us then, Guv?"

Strickland :-"Helen Mirren!"

Gerry :-"Phwoar!"

Strickland :-"Prunella Scales!"

(Senator O'Blene :-"Phwoar!")

Strickland :-"Miss Marple!"

Jack :-"Phwoar!"

Strickland :-"Simon Templar!"

Sandra :-"Phwoar!"

Strickland :-"And we're flying off to Texas this evening!"

Brian :-"Why Texas, are you going on holiday"?

Strickland :-"Got it in one, Brian, Sandra and I are joining 'Dallas'! And I'm being replaced immediately!"

(sound of slow, heavy, squeaking boots approaching the door, which creaks open to reveal...)

All :-"Oh no! Not bloody George Dixon!"

.................................................

Dixon of Dock Green :-"Evening all! Well, the Kent Themerama all went ahead as though nothing had happened! Elvis Willy and Cynthia Molestrangler eloped to Thailand and opened a small quantity surveying practice! Norman Wibble was inspired by Edwina Baggage, and joined 'Strictly Bicyclism'! Trigger went back to his old job, running repeats of 'Only Fools and Vicars of Dibley'! Senator O'Blene, Elias Sagtrouser, and Quentin ffoxley-Cabbage all went down to 'The Bells', and had several pints of 'Old Kent Crumpet', a light, hoppy ale (6.7 ABV). They were joined by their respective wives, and one by one, continually toasted the stupidity of the council, the local paper, and the BBC, until the early hours...!

Good night all, and watch out for even more TV repeats coming your way these cold evenings!"

(Dah, da da, da da, da da, da da, da da daaaah, dah daaah, daaah daaah...)

Nicholas Lyndhurst joins New Tricks team's enquiry into Kent Themerama - part 3 (a)...

The story so far; Sandra has been getting Gerry to tell her a few things, and Strickland has a visit from a surly BBC apparatchik, to tell him that there is going to be a cast change, and Raedney Trolliter is joining the team...

Sandra: - "Thanks Gerry, nice one, hit the spot! Now chaps, there's a new name joining us!"

Jack: - "Bah goom, Sandra, they'll be pensioning me off soon!"

Sandra: - "They have pensioned you off, Jack, several episodes ago!"

Brian: - "I'm still here though!"

Sandra: - "Er, no, Brian, you're next; Strickland's orders!"

Brian: - "Raedney Trolliter - computer expert from Peckham, brother of Delbert Trolliter-Larkin, a scrap metal dealer from Pluckley!"

Gerry: - "Have I still got a job then Sandra?"

Sandra: - "You'll always have a job, Gerry, but we do need to get some work done before the new bloke arrives!"

(door opens)...

Raedney: - "Cooeeee, anyone at home?"

Sandra: - "Over here, Raedney, introduce yourself!"

Raedney: - "Sandra, you must be Sandra! I'll call you Cassandra, after a lady I once knew, and loved...! Come here my petal, take my hand, ohhh, you're so delicate, like a tiny bird, waiting for sunset, and laying her soft feathers against a small wing...!"

Sandra: - "Right, that's enough of that! Into my office, I'm going to de-brief you!"

Brian: - "Blimey! So that's how it's bloody well done! (picks up phone). 'Esther? Come here my peta..., what?...why should I fook off...'!"

Gerry: - "Silly old git!"

(five minutes later)

Sandra: - "Right, I've got it all now chaps! Raedney has just given me the griff!"

Jack: - "So that's what they call it now is it Cassandra...?"

Sandra: - "You still here, Jack, I've got one last job for you! Check out Cynthia Molestrangler's reasons for flying off to Tenerife with a lad called Elvis Willy, immediately after Eoinker Starborgling got planning permission for the modest 95,000 sq. ft. supermarket on the Kent Themerama site, and why there are now seventeen buildings instead of three being built!"

Jack: - "That's a tall order Cassandra!"

Sandra: - "You'll manage, and don't call me Cassandra, I'm a Detective Inspector!"

Gerry: - "ELVIS WILLY! That little creep! I banged him up three times a few years ago for nicking sweets from Arkwright's corner shop!"

Brian: - "Elvis Willy, the first person to be fined during the hosepipe ban! Aaaah! Used to work as a yard man at Elias Sagtrouser's Sand and Spanner Emporium! Had a job humping sacks of cement and sand! Blimey, that's not all he humped...blimey, no, no; noooo...! Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs!"

Gerry: - "Here, can I have a copy of that list!"

Brian: - "Printing page seventeen as we speak, Gerry!"

Raedney: - "Cassandra just whispered that we're going to have a few changes round here, Gerald!"

Gerry: - "She won't get it all her own way!"

Brian: - "Here you are Gerry, look at page eight, and ten, then twice on page fifteen!"

Gerry: - "Blimey, that Cynthia Molestrangler's a bit of a goer, isn't she?"

Brian: - "Naaaaw, look at the other name right at the bottom...!"

Gerry: - "Whaaaaat! 'Cassandra Poolmon'! Surely not! Is that right Brian?"

Jack: - "Heh heh heh, what a bit of luck! Our Sandra's been 'inspired' by Elvis Willy! Wait till I tell Mary!"

Sandra: - "That's enough of that chaps, Strickland's ordered a new broom round here. We're getting new men in, and you know who has owned the same broom for twenty years don't you, with three new brushes, and four new handles...!"

Jack, Gerry, Brian: - "Not Trigger!"

Raedney: - "The very same person chaps, he's starting next week!"

Sandra: - "Thank you Dave, time for another 'inspiration', I think! My office now!"

...to be continued, if anyone is really bothered about what happens next...

About this time of year, when the doors are bolted and the windows are shut...

There are several pieces of music which fit this time of year, and, just for the lovely run-off at the end (which goes on for quite some time), I think this song is up there with the best ones I can recall...