Wednesday, 21 March 2018
Molestrangler Analytica...
Breaking news by Ms Edwina Baggage - Bicycling correspondent on The Sodden Prickney Bugle...
Baroness Cynthia Molestrangler has instructed Phondle and Knudge-Wincke, Solicitors and Commissioners for Oaths, to investigate how a telephone list of all the Parish was obtained from Mr Norbert Iodine's chemist shop, so that calls could be made to alter the result of the erection (don't you mean 'election' - Ed) when Count Basil Kalshnikov was voted in as Supreme Chairman of the Council.
Constable Lumbersnatch has also been informed for some reason only known to nobody in particular.
The self-styled Baroness insists that Mr Iodine's list of customers was purloined some time around the voting for the Count, and that there are some people who indeed have copies of all the prescriptions issued by various physicians in the district.
Mr Iodine was instrumental in obtaining permission for the lay-by outside his shop, so that Ms Billary could park her 4 x 4 to purchase necessary accessories such as comforting preparations to enable easy seating etc., and the like, without being noticed. In fact Mr Iodine was once (at least seven times - Ed), seen to assist Ms Billary who kept tripping up and falling down, by grasping several parts of her at the same time while her driver panicked and picked up the various packages, which contained enough preparations to fell a horse, maybe an elephant, possibly (get on with it - Ed), and had every reason to let slip the names and addresses for voters to decide.
Count Basil Kalshnikov made no comment, except to say that the little blue pills were for a complaint not unassociated with manic impropriety, not what you're thinking.
...to be continued.
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13 comments:
Oh dear, oh dear oh dear... Once again that useless Baggage woman (wilfully?) entirely misses the point - or indeed, several of them.
1. As the owner of the only 4x4 in the village, it is utterly unbelievable that Billary's presence outside a dodgy chemist - the only such establishment in the High Street - could fail to be "not noticed". Plus those out-of-town rainbow-painted police cars which always attend the journeyings of said 4x4 are not exactly.. er.. discreet.
2. Bagpuss also fails entirely to explain to her readers why she (and/or that hideous Molestrangler battle-axe woman) thinks B's driver "had every reason to let slip the names and addresses for voters to decide". The fact that this fellow's name is Igor Aluvlybuncha, whose brother drives a bus in Moscow and owns three luxury flats in Bayswater, cannot be taken in evidence to automatically conclude that his illegal, er, sorry - undocumented - prescence in this country has any connections to dubious Russian meddling accusations.
I think Ms Treeza July, senior news desk editor of the Bugle, needs to have a "no tea and biscuits provided" chat with this so-called "journalist". Perhaps further explanations and clarifications will appear in next week's paper, but I can assure you I shall not be holding my breath in anticipation.
Disgraceful! Even national broadcasters are reputed to have higher standards than this..
Other lad's training to be a research chemist.
I'm looking forward to some interesting shit on mate's rates in my dotage. The other one can do my brain surgery for me.
Most parents would be lucky to get their car serviced or a rewire from their lads.
Kev,
Just in case you (or your mates) missed it..
https://uk.news.yahoo.com/mot-test-changes-2018-know-163204546.html
There is more going on in Mr Norbert Iodine's chemist shop than we have been told. A new and highly secret substance loosely based on Sanatogen Original Tonic Wine is being developed. This top secret tincture would enable Count Basil Kalshnikov to be Permanent Chairman of the Council.
It is rumoured that drinks at the Dog and Stumble may be spiked with the new preparation in order to test it out, although local wags have claimed it is about time the drinks were spiked with something.
Of course, the BBC have got the wrong end of the stick, Reevers! This isn't unusual, but Ms Baggage should really understand the polemics of all this!
1) There are no police anywhere near the village, so the 4 x 4 is untouched by human ticket.
2) Igor Aluvlybuncha has been known to visit Ms Baggage's home on several occasions, and usually diguised as an out-of-work quantity surveyor, and late at night as well. She is well-known in bicycling circles and has been referred to as 'Three-Pumps' on occasions!
3) Er, there is no three...
Kev, I understand your confusion - or do I...
Mr Haart, the drinks at The Dog and Stumble have always been suspect!
Having just finished reading a book on exactly the same subject as you describe, I have absolutely no reason to disagree with you!
Count Kalashnikov is probably heading for many years as Supreme Commander of the village, and all because Baroness Molestrangler took offence at his comments on his requirement for men-only election lists! She has spent many hours in the library reading endless drivel obtained by Harriet Harman, who seems to like wimmin-only lists but lives with a bloke who got on a wimmin-only list and apparently got a seat!
Reevers, the powers that be really are sticking the knife in diesel engines these days.
The particulate tests will become more onerous as the years go by, but my electric bike will suffice in my dotage...
(We changed our diesel car last October, and got a petrol one - it's a lovely car, and much nicer to drive)
Scrobs - the only diesel I ever drove in my life was affixed to a delightful dhow out east and that was way back in the (now) extremely dim and distant past. My own Land Rover in those days was an ex-army SWB soft top driven by a 2.5 petrol engine. Very efficient and great for faffing about in/on the dunes.
You did mention that you had changed your Teutonic gas guzzler some time ago.
Reevers, I'm a sucker for a car sales chat, but this time I think he was right. While the diesel thing was a great runabout, 'lovely' wheels and that, it was still a bit 'crunchy' on the take-up, and as we have hardly any fast roads around here, the speedo never really came into consideration!
As I'm now an old fart, our 1.2 litre engine, with seven auto gears, does all we need, and is a quiet as a quiet person's quiet bits!
VW do an even smaller version, which may well figure if I can be arsed to try and change again!
Here they are - they're great guys and I lke dealing with them!
http://www.smallcars4u.com/
One of our nieces has a frisky white Polo automatic which she charges around town in. She is.. er... very confident, but I usually hang on to the ceiling strap when being taken for a ride with her at the wheel! My other half keeps on at me to "invest" in a slightly smaller and newer car than our present 13 year old 2 litre runabout, but also, being a considerably older fart than you, I do like my creature comforts and a bit of "ooof" in a motor, so I think I shall continue to resist her blandishments for a while longer yet!
PS - We also have another niece with a newish Vento who I think learned to drive at the Sheila Van Dam school of motoring! Leaves me standing at the lights!
Reevers, while I sit at traffic lights, the enginne stops, and we are in limbo...
As we are usually gabbling about something or other, I forget the sequence to get going again, and this is becoming more of a regular occurrence than you can imagine!
But it does help the oxygen levels in our lovely village!
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