New Tricks - new broom, 'Kent Themerama' romps on to a thrilling finale, part 7(1:5)...

The story so far...

The New Tricks team have been bolstered (some say inspired) by the arrival of two new members, Raedney Trolliter and Trigger, and there is a rumour that more new members are to follow as the BBC cuts bite deep, and Cassandra has been inspired several times already...

Cynthia Molestrangler is dancing the twist in Tenerife with Elvis Willy, and the team are trying to find out why the 'Kent Themerama', with the modest 145,000 sq.ft. shopping mall has begun construction without planning permission. They believe Miss Molestrangler was inspired by person or persons unknown and there was general de-briefing going on in the background, and maybe the foreground as well.

The Eoinker Starborgling consortium is building the sports arena, together with the modest 255,000 sq.ft. retail extravaganza and their clients, Scroblene Enterprise Pictures, couldn't really give a toss about who complains, or what the council says. As Brian usually admits, his attitude is "Fook off"!

.......................................................

Gerry :-"So let's get this straight, Elias Sagtrouser used to employ Elvis Willy as a humper, and now he's freelance; is that right Cassandra?"

Sandra :-"Don't call me Cassandra, I'm a Superintendent, Gerry, and yes, he is freelance. He's also working for Senator O'Blene as a fixer of sorts, you know, gets things done an' that!"

Gerry :-"Yeah, nice one - and also the other, Saaaaaandra...!"

Brian :-"That O'Blene character is a shifty one, Sandra.

Sandra :-"Oh I know that, Brian, Gloriette Sagtrouser and I go back a long way..."

Gerry :-"You know Gloriette, do you Saaaaaandra...? Phwoar! So you didn't get all that way back - did you?"

Sandra :-"Shaddup Gerry! Strickland's on his way down here, chaps; dunno why...!"

Trigger :-"Dave, is there anything I can do...?"

Sandra :-"There's quite a lot of fag-ash under Gerry's chair, Brian's desk is a total mess, and Jack's chair needs a new Stannah Lift. Can you do that?"

(door opens)

Strickland :-"There's going to be some changes round here chaps. Some of the posters here haven't a clue what's going on, because they didn't see the original programmes! I've had a complaint from a lady in Somerset. This has got to stop!"

Gerry :-"What sort of changes, Guvnor?"

Strickland :-"You're on the right track, calling me 'Guvnor', Gerry! The show's taking on several new faces, to mop up all those crimes that were never solved, starting with 'The Sweeney'!"

Jack :-"But they're all dead!"

Strickland :-"Hasn't stopped this programme for the last five years...!"

Brian :-"But what about justice! That O'Blene character and his crowd of crooked mates will just get away with it!"

Strickland :-"He's only doing what MPs and banks have been doing for ages, Brian!"

Raedney :-"I've only just joined, what's my role in all this!"

Sandra :-"Don't tell me, he's going to be given Jack's job!"

Strickland :-"OK, Cassandra, I won't tell you he's being given Jack's job! Raedney's being given your job!"

Sandra :-"But I've only been here for seven series, I should be able to do at least another fifteen or so!"

Strickland :-"NO! You're coming with me, Cassandra!"

Jack :-"Wait till I tell Mary that I'm going to be put out to grass!"

Brian :-"Neigh Lad! So we let the bloody Themerama go ahead as though nothing had ever happened? I'm not having that, I'm calling Esther!"

Strickland :-"You can't, she's left us for 'Last of the summer wine!"

Gerry :- "So who else is joining us then, Guv?"

Strickland :-"Helen Mirren!"

Gerry :-"Phwoar!"

Strickland :-"Prunella Scales!"

(Senator O'Blene :-"Phwoar!")

Strickland :-"Miss Marple!"

Jack :-"Phwoar!"

Strickland :-"Simon Templar!"

Sandra :-"Phwoar!"

Strickland :-"And we're flying off to Texas this evening!"

Brian :-"Why Texas, are you going on holiday"?

Strickland :-"Got it in one, Brian, Sandra and I are joining 'Dallas'! And I'm being replaced immediately!"

(sound of slow, heavy, squeaking boots approaching the door, which creaks open to reveal...)

All :-"Oh no! Not bloody George Dixon!"

.................................................

Dixon of Dock Green :-"Evening all! Well, the Kent Themerama all went ahead as though nothing had happened! Elvis Willy and Cynthia Molestrangler eloped to Thailand and opened a small quantity surveying practice! Norman Wibble was inspired by Edwina Baggage, and joined 'Strictly Bicyclism'! Trigger went back to his old job, running repeats of 'Only Fools and Vicars of Dibley'! Senator O'Blene, Elias Sagtrouser, and Quentin ffoxley-Cabbage all went down to 'The Bells', and had several pints of 'Old Kent Crumpet', a light, hoppy ale (6.7 ABV). They were joined by their respective wives, and one by one, continually toasted the stupidity of the council, the local paper, and the BBC, until the early hours...!

Good night all, and watch out for even more TV repeats coming your way these cold evenings!"

(Dah, da da, da da, da da, da da, da da daaaah, dah daaah, daaah daaah...)