Saturday, 15 October 2011

Petty France ha ha ha...

AN ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER SENT:

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For goodness sake, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving licence, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED SOMEPLACE I NEVER HEARD OF!

Sincerely,

from You Sure The Hell Should Know Who.

14 comments:

The Lakelander said...

Have you tried opening a bank account recently?

All the banks seem to treat you as an international money launderer, even if you already have an account with them.

The last one that I opened for our company took 6 weeks. Unbelievable!

Philipa said...

Brilliant!

Elby The Berserk said...

Lakelander,

I gather that so far, the grand total of crims arrested as a result of the new money laundering laws is

0
zero
zilch
nada
sweet FA

Electro-Kevin said...

Good letter.

Very petty France.

(crewed by new arrivals apparently)

Scrobs... said...

So, so pissed-off-worthy isn't it all folks!

All these little people, yeah, jobs an' that, but why does guvmint have to spend squillions on all this crap!

This crowd are getting close to the seriously corrupt problem everyone suffered under bliar/brown, and if they want my vote, then they'd better ask what UKIP are doing, because I am.

Philipa said...

Off topic:

Help! My scales this morning told me I'm 14 stone. 14 STONE!! Yet I don't look or feel any different to when I stepped on a set of scales at IKEA and weighed 12.5 stone. 14 stone? Am still in same clothes. This is starting to be a mystery only Poirot can solve. Can I really weigh nearly half as much again as Scrobs??

Philipa said...

"why does guvmint have to spend squillions on all this crap!"

Because most of those in charge have never had a *proper* job or lived in any other environment but academic navel gazing, shuffling possibilities and ideologies on bits of paper that are COMPLETELY removed from the reality of their lives. They are unaffected by the things they do.

Scrobs... said...

Pips, your scales need adjusting!

That little wheel somewhere which changes where the hands start, needs recalibrating.

I reckon you're probably about 8 stone 5 really...

Scrobs... said...

And thanks for replying about tiime servers Pips, I agree!

Philipa said...

Ha! Last time I was 8 stone 5 I was a teenager. I'm smiling at your sarcasm tho - what would we females do without a strong man to tell us how those machine things worked?! flutter flutter.

Philipa said...

I do think the scales may be Donald Ducked tho (technical term). Well, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it?

The word you're all looking for is 'Voluptuous'.

ting a ling said...

Have you ever tried to pay cash for something over a thousand pounds, my mrs decided she wanted to pay cash for a car, just because she was able to, cash was traceable, it took us 5 days to pay for the car, because they wouldn't take anything in one go due to the bank complaining about money laundering we live in sad times.

Scrobs... said...

Voluptous! Much nicer than 'statuesque' methinks...!

And don't forget to turn that little wheel on the front of the scales Pips!

A quarter-inch either way, will make all sorts of difference!

You know it makes sense...

Scrobs... said...

Tingers, I thought of paying cash like that for something big once, and realised that I couldn't afford it!

That's why I'm growing my own veg much more these days...