Friday, 11 February 2011

Still makes oi larf...

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday..

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue


Electro-Kevin said...

I've seen this before but it's still good on second reading.

Two chaps with a decent enough sense of humour - result.

Anonymous said...

It only took three attempts for my accountants to wring the correct tax code out of HMRC this year.

If they based their codings on facts rather than fantasy, they could probably get by with half the staff.

Or perhaps that's the whole idea?

The Old Tarf said...

What a hoot. Was really tickled down to me funny bone.

Scrobs... said...

It is good isn't it Elecs. There are several similar ones, but somehow, this is better!

Scrobs... said...

I agree Lakes, you'd think that someone could just extend the online service, and apply different bolt-on services to that to suit each company!

Well, that's the way I'd do it anyway.

Scrobs... said...

Tarfers! Howthedevilareyou!

Nothing like a giggle to make the day go by...

rvi said...

That letter is clearly a forgery.

For a start it contains humour.

Second it is very literate with no spelling or grammar mistakes.

Thirdly it is free of "hereinafter"s, "wherefore"s and "thereunto"s.

Nope, you can't fool me, mate, I know a civil service letter when I see one.

Scrobs... said...

I'm sure you're right Reevers, and reading it again, I realise that it's not exactly clear what it's all about at first. The chum who sent it to me did a short preamble, mentioning the Grauniad or something, which I felt spoilt the whole issue for a blog post!

Blue Eyes said...

Excellent, might "borrow" this one!