Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Sometime at the end of last year, those of you who are over 60 years old will have received a heating allowance payment.
This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q&A format:
Q. What is a 'WHA' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Currys, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you buy any fish, the rest of the EU will get it.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you want a plumber, it will go to Poland.
* If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in England by:
1) Spending it at boot sales, or
2) Going to football/rugby games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Buying Beer, or
5) Getting tattoos/body piercing.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating here profitably)
Go to a football/rugby game with a tattooed/rewired prostitute that you met at a boot sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.