Wednesday, 12 January 2011

January economics...

Sometime at the end of last year, those of you who are over 60 years old will have received a heating allowance payment.

This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q. What is a 'WHA' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Currys, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you buy any fish, the rest of the EU will get it.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you want a plumber, it will go to Poland.

* If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in England by:

1) Spending it at boot sales, or

2) Going to football/rugby games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Buying Beer, or

5) Getting tattoos/body piercing.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating here profitably)


Go to a football/rugby game with a tattooed/rewired prostitute that you met at a boot sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.


rvi said...

I wonder if we have a mate in common? I got that email yesterday morning.

HenryJ said...

But Scrobs all the crap at a car boot sale has already come from one of those countries,the only difference is the crap was brand new when it came into this country now as second hand crap it's doing the rounds as British crap,could have bought a 160mb DVR today at a car boot but the guy wanted £5 for it,thought that was expensive.

Blue Eyes said...

There was a "scandal" recently when it was revealed that many of the winter fuel recipients live in Spain!

You could pay someone else (UK based) to spend the money on your behalf. At least then a fraction remains in the UK. Until I spend my commission on a high-def TV...

Scrobs... said...

Mine came from a chum in T. Wells, who got it from London Reevers!

I reckon it's the latest to do the rounds...

Scrobs... said...

I'd have thought £5 for a mis-spelled sports car was a bargain Henry!

There was a car in the village where I used to live as a lad, which did the rounds to all the young blades, and they'd pass it on to a new owner for a fiver each time!

It was a beige Ford Popular and by all accounts, was quite popular with some of the girls as well...

Scrobs... said...

Yes, I saw that too Blues.

I'd be interested to see if many more ex-pats there want to come home so they can spend it on coal...

HenryJ said...

Digital video recorder,suppose could be mistaken for the name of a car,strange when I was young we had a Morris 8 about 1947ish paid for by 4 of us,for some reason the rear roof lining always ended up with footprints,we also had a Standard Vanguard but the front suspension was always collapsing,I wonder if that is still buried in the slag tip on the old strip mill site at Motherwell,

Scrobs... said...

Good car the Morris 8, Henry!

A chum had one and actually got off a speeding charge because it couldn't exceed 40mph!

The car also had an odd way of going round corners,in that if he turned sharp right, the passenger door flew open!

It was well known as being startable with a paper clip as well!

Philipa said...

Loved it, great post!


Modo said...

I always suspected that I had a Keynesian bent... now it is all there in black and white, (or rather green and lime).

Scrobs... said...

Thank you Pips!

You're actually too young to read this one too!


Scrobs... said...

Shades of Milton yet again Modo!

Welcome back Young Man, and I'm so sorry that the colours display the events in a different light, but it is softer on the aging eyes when first the pc springs to life at 5.30am...