Friday, 30 May 2008

Lake -Tat...

“The Lakelander Emporium of Tat PLC is pleased to announce that, with immediate effect:

Di Trubes has been appointed Marketing Director.

Grumpy Granny has been appointed Director of Corporate Communications.

Kevin Electro has been appointed Director in charge of Logistics.

S C R O'Blene has been appointed Property Director”.

(Note to Mr Lander, Chairman - or can we call you ‘Lake’),

Having visited the offices of ‘Shaddup and Lissen’, (Estate Agents) yesterday, I have been given particulars of the above property, which I recommend to the board.

The rent on this building is within the guidelines as set out during the inauguration meeting. For posterity, the photograph of the meeting is also attached. This was taken at the exact moment that we heard that our newest supplier (‘Beast an’ Pieces’), had opened a small business in Tuscany!

Can I respectfully suggest; 'Lake' (!!), that we invite other suppliers to offer items to the 'Emp'.? I'm particularly interested in some of Miss Binstock's special photographs which she has kept hidden for many a year. Also, a certain Doris Webley-Bullock is threatening to sell us several five-litre 'cubis' of Chateau Dieppe. She is not a person to shake a stick at I understand...

Simeon Cardew Ricardo O'Blene
Director of Property


TatCorp Comms Director said...

Grandad tells me that Chelsea Football Club may have a room full of T-shirts bearing a "We are the Champions" legend which they may wish to dispose of discreetly - along with their manager and half the suppporting staff. I do hope the lovely Mr Lander will be more understanding than that Russian bloke of the hardships we junior staff currently have to endure.

PS: The stamps imprest tin is not in your room is it? I can't find it anywhere.

Anonymous said...

In a world that is so full of Tat, it is my mission in life to only offer the public the most offensive, shabbily-made and poorly designed products known to man.

The "Decision Maker" has gone down a storm in the Westminster area of London recently, as has Cherie Blair's book on the use of Photoshop in portrait photography.

We're trying to get the DVD cleared by the British Board of Film Censors and it's a bit touch and go at the moment. In fact, some of the "before" stuff is really quite disgusting.

All in all, I think we're in for a bumper year!

Anonymous said...


My blogger friends call me "Gus."

So now you know!

Scroblene said...

Sounds marvellous GG (I nearly said CJ then...), Mr Gus-Lake will be impressed I'm sure!

Have you tried looking in the cupboard under the stairs? Most things end up there, especially after the Christmas party...

Scroblene said...

Morning - er Gus... (Is this the earliest acronym for Grand Universal Stores)?

Most things to do with our 'steamed guvmint will end up on the shelves after Crewe and soon Henley.

There's only so many jobs for people who once shook hands with a dignitary - people have remarkably short memories...

Perhaps stacking shelves seems apporopriate here!

Anonymous said...

Good news, Scrobs,

We have secured the rights to re-publish John Prescott's autobiography....

grumpy granny said...

And being on the job (as it were - at my age too!!) I have already despatched a copy to the Nobel Prize Literature Committee office in Oslo.

PS: Found the stamps tin empty by the water cooler.

Philipa said...

I vote Metro as Health and Safety Officer.

Scroblene said...

Er...Grumps ...that's not a water's a place where Mrs Nose-Poultice keeps a few drops for her pot plants...

Please try and keep up...

Scroblene said...

Philipa - Queen of the world that you are - I agree and to hell with the consequences...

On second thoughts..let's ask Elecs, he knows what to do under the circumstances.

Or maybe Lils, or Trubes; but they're both away on hols - oh bugger I'm lost...lost...unable to find the way ho....

"grumps" said...

Sorry, Boss. Do you think she was the one who nicked the stamps then?

Anonymous said...

The stamps have gone and it looks like the Post Office we used to buy them from will be going soon...

see here

grumpy granny said...

This has been stolen shamelessly from Theo (originally in the Daily Mail), but it deserves a much wider audience.

Betrayed: Kirkcaldy sub-postmaster writes blistering letter to PM over closure of thousands of post offices

By Andrew Ross

The other morning at 8.05am, I was sitting doing some paperwork before opening and I saw an old man through the frosted glass of the front door of my post office, reading the newly posted closure notice in the window.

‘See this bloody Government,’ I heard him mutter angrily, as he finished reading the poster stating that my branch was one of 2,500 in the UK designated for closure and if, within six weeks, a valid reason is not produced for its retention, then its fate will be sealed.

My elderly customer is right.

Your Government is entirely to blame for this debacle but, worse than that, for the people of Kirkcaldy, Fife, the architect of these post office closures is you – our own MP – who came up with the brilliant cost-cutting idea as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

If you were standing before me now, I would say to you: ‘Shame on you for turning your back on your constituents.’

I have seen you only twice in the street outside my post office in Pathhead – once on Election day when you were waving at the voters going into the polling station across the road and the other when you were opening a carers’ centre further along.

That was just after the last round of post office closures and I remember putting up a ‘Save Your Post Office’ poster in my window specially for your visit.

I have no idea whether you noticed it or not before you got back into your gas-guzzling Range Rover, but at least I felt as if I’d done something.

Of course, I appreciate you are now the Prime Minister but that does not mean you should forget the needs of the people who put you in power and you really should start looking closer to home.

After all, this is where you grew up and your father was a minister at St Bryce’s Church in the town for many years.

Your family is part of the fabric of Kirkcaldy.

In fact, you play upon that fact, constantly mentioning your association with the town.

You even find the time to make regular appearances at your beloved Raith Rovers football matches.

So why have you got it so wrong on this issue?

Your constituency agent Alec Rowley paid a sudden visit to me two weeks ago after being notified by the Post Office that my branch was earmarked for closure.

He stood in front of me and asked me to give him a good reason why my branch should stay open.

I asked him to give me a good reason why it should close.

He did not know what to say except that we would have to ‘work something out’ and he’d get back to me.

Your office finally made contact again three days ago, on the morning of the official announcement.

Obviously, I had made an impression – the call was not to discuss the next steps I could take to save my branch, but merely to ask my name.

Mr Brown, you have indicated that you will not be one of the growing ranks of Ministers who claim to support the closure policy but are campaigning against specific branches shutting in their own constituencies.

It’s up to your conscience if you join those hypocrites or not – but these closures were YOUR idea.

And I am certain you will lose a lot of votes because of it.

Of course, you will trot out the same things...that it’s to make the Post Office more profitable, etc.

But it was the Labour Government who took away the profits from us in the first place.

They took all the money from the Post Office when it was doing well.

Then they subsidised it and took profits of around 90 per cent back.

Then they decided they wouldn’t do it any more and said it was on its own.

My sub-post office has been here for 80 years.

One of my customers is 85 and remembers coming in as a young girl with her mother.

There have been only three sub-postmasters in that entire time.

I’ve been here since 1989 and all I want is to be allowed to continue to serve the public.

Over the years, I’ve seen the service eroded by people more interested in profit than customer care.

Post offices that are not part of a supermarket or a newsagents are not wanted any more by the bean counters.

It has all come down to a numbers game.

It’s like Russian roulette and even if my branch is saved, it simply means that another in the town will replace us on the blacklist.

I am devastated for my customers.

They are not being put first and, in fact, many will be worse off, particularly the older ones.

A lot of them are coming in saying: ‘It’s a sin, we need you.’

All I have been told is that I’m being closed down because there is another post office within a mile of mine.

But there is no direct bus route between this area and the other post office, which is in a supermarket and often has queues of 45 minutes’ waiting time or more – and that’s before this closure plan was announced.

If I need to give justification for my post office to remain open, it would be this – that the public deserve a first-class service not a second-class one.

Their excuses for closure are lame in many cases where sales figures speak for themselves.

Ironically, the day after I was told I was closing, I was given an award by the Post Office for sales of travel insurance.

These latest closures are just another attack on ordinary people, who are already struggling under a barrage of rising fuel prices and increasing household bills.

I would say to all customers of post offices under threat to fill in the feedback forms available at the relevant branches and send them back in.

Please don’t organise a petition because it will be disregarded.

In my experience, petitions don’t always work and if people object individually it will have far more effect and might actually make a difference.

And I would say to you, Mr Brown, that you are not looking after your constituents.

You are not representing the interests of the people who had faith in you when they voted for you as our local MP.

I don’t care whether you are Prime Minister or not, Mr Brown – You have betrayed your own town and the people you serve.

Yours in disgust

Andrew Ross

Sub-postmaster at Pathhead Post Office in Kirkcaldy, Fife

Philipa said...

No No, Scrobs, you haven't seen Metro's credentials (!) Take a look at one of his latest, here:

Believe me, when it comes to Elfen Safety, he da man.

Philipa said...

More advertising (so beat me... please?) that blog I mentioned is not like blogspot and the main 'incoming' page can be found here. Check out the top post at the mo re: the quotes of the day. Hope I'm not going to get told off for directing you to 'adult content' :~/

I want EK to be Home Secretary if at all possible.

Philipa said...

GG - what a sad, and properly angry letter, I'm glad I saw that and hope they vote him out when they have a chance. Seems like Broon got in on the strength of his fathers reputation there.. DNA is like a paint box, it can paint a quite different picture in the next generation.

Scroblene said...

Grumpers, be my guest - I feel the same!

Scroblene said...

Love it Pips! Metro will get some more peers at.

We're crossing messages here...the first time I've ever managed it...

How much to fly to India...;0)

Agree about Elecs, he's just coming out of a blue period with visions of Mrs Tatcher, whatever that means!

electro-kevin said...

Part of the 'blue period' I've been experiencing is that I've been made Director of Logistics with only a Honda C90 pizza bike in my fleet.

There's only a limited amount of tat I can move around in the top box of one of those.

electro-kevin said...

Well Maggie did say 'on yer bike'

Or was it Tebbit ?

Philipa said...

yes Kev but you've one of those tight capped-sleeved T shirts on and a full leather jacket, with tassels, and you stink of patchouli oil. What's not to like?

Glad you liked the blog Scrobs.

Charlie dog said...

Hi Scoblene

I would like to offer my services as security advisor. Mrs Smallprint can vouch for me, today in the pub at lunchtime I launched myself across the room and bit the nose of a large rottwiller (this was of course just a warning to the big fella that he'd better not mess with my peep's). Mrs S. thought my reaction was a mite over the top but she had to admit that the rotty stayed well away from her.

Yours in anticipation

Charlie Boy