Aussie humour at its best...

(h/t Aussie Stuff for Aussies).

 

The new resurgents...

There is an increasing awareness that a resurgent race of long-forgotten humans has re-emerged. Recent research by a non-government independent group (i.e. unbiased) has discovered that the re-surfacing of the little-known sub-race, 'The Oldians', is becoming more prominent, owing to disgust at a peculiar 'governing' group of sub-sub aliens, the Raynians and the Starmians. 

The revulsion displayed by 'The Oldians', is becoming reported more and more by normal news outlets, which don't include the BBC, or their house magazine, the Grauniad!

'Oldians' are mainly retired gentlefolk, whose parents fought in WW2, and grew up having very little in spare cash to give away to new sub-races, and much of the frugality and common sense experienced by these previous 'Evenoldians', has been passed down through a decent family life-style, and concomitant moral integrity to the current 'Oldian' group!

Such is the disgust by 'Oldians' at the profligacy of the 'Starmians', the 'Raynians', and also a sole, rather lonely 'Reevesian', which manages the stationary, that the process of standing up on their hind legs and making a great racket is becoming more noticeable!

There's possibly a hidden programme of complete obliteration of 'Oldians' by 2029, and this is now recognised as a syndrome of much unpleasantness, envy and sheer unwelcoming, but which, with the goodwill of 'The Currentians', will ensure that such a sub-race will re-emerge yet again, and the country will be governed correctly by another recently discovered race, 'The Reformians'!

Just a few home truths...

             The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock. 

          When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo".

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favourite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

"On time" is, when you get there.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

(Apologies for the formatting - I blame everyone else... )

 

Sodden Prickney - the election results, well 'endish' sort of things...

Sodden Prickney has never seen such mayhem in any parish election since Jarrold Wislon won something or other in the sixties, or Harry McMillion won a sort of landslide once, or even g...(get on with it - Ed), but the recent shenanigans in our village have reached new boundaries, and have shaken the area by storm in the most devastating circumstances known to man, (I said bloody-well get on with it Scrobs, this hyperbole is giving me the screaming hab-dabs)!

So, the results of the Council Erections are thus: - (please note that they're in no particular order, as my spreadsheet machine gave up the ghost after only a few minutes, and I can't work out how to list the names in ascending - or maybe descending order, so bollocks).

• Groat, Ron - 45 votes
• Trumpet, Sid - 67 votes
• Molestrangler, Cynthia - 56 votes
• Faquedefano, Charlene - 4 votes
• Baggage, Edwina - 67 votes
• D'Artagnon-Minge, Emily - 89 votes
• Newt, Amelia - 98 votes
• Grumble, Arthur - 3 votes
• Lumbersnatch, PC - 5 votes
• Iodine, Doctor Norbert - 12 votes
• Flange, Surgeon Hubert - 8 votes
• Clinchton, Willy - 0 votes
• Kalashnicov, Basil - 43 votes
• Billery, Miss - 1 vote
• Wibble, Norman - 2 votes
• Bumme-Whole, Christian - 1 vote
• ffarrquin-Larquin, Tarquin - 4 votes

So I, as Returning Occificereericer for the State of Sodden Prickney, declare that Miss Amelia Newt is promoted to Chairman of the Parish Council, and all who sail in her!

And may The Lord have mercy on your soul...