There was uproar at the Sodden Prickney Parish Council meeting at some day or other last week!
(Writes Slimcea Harpic - Reporter).
Cllr Cynthia Molestrangler was running late, having waited in for over four hours for her grocery delivery, only to find that she'd ordered it all for the next day, so the meeting was delayed more than somewhat!
The opening statements and welcoming to the three village residents with several small poodlediddlewiddle dogs who had come in out of the cold were drowned out by a sudden downpour of such ferocity, that Cllr Norman Wibble actually had to leave the chamber to mop out the Ladies toilets, and as he was supposed to be taking the minutes, there was a further delay!
Cllr Basil Kalashnikov started the proceedings with the usual rant about everyone being against him, especially 'The Bugle', a newspaper which has a history of spelling as bad as The Guardian, and on one occasion, even managing to explain to the village the term, 'Bicyclist', which is a religion long-espoused by Cllr Edwina Baggage, and who was not amused, especially as she'd just finished a long ride with a young relative of PC Lumbersnatch!
After Cllr Kalashnikov had been persuaded to sit down and stop waving his arms around, the meeting dragged itself to the first item on the agenda.
There had been a long association between Cllr Newt and Cllr Ron Groat, which sometimes reached the questionable ascendancy of Cleopatra and Anthony, Romeo and Juliet, Starmer and... (get on with it - Ed), and the time had come for these two long-standing, some may say everlasting, others may say...(I said bloody well get on with it - Ed), stalwarts of politics in the village had to become a thing of the past! They had both been embroiled in a game of cat and mouse with various members of the public, who were not a million miles away from the business of Tax Specialist!
It appeared, that after all these years - about seven, according to Cllr Sid Trumpet, there had been serious irregularities regarding the council chamber rent paid, which sometimes appeared in the accounts of the Council, or in Cllr Groat's bank account - often at the same time!
As nobody on the committee knew anything about finance issues, the advisers, a small firm in the next village had decided to explain the issues about all this money floating around, but finishing up in Cllr Newt's love-nest in Worthing, a small village not far from Hove! Their report was in full view of the committee!
It was a sad state of affairs! Cllr Groat immediately demanded that further investigation be carried out on all the firms which had 'advised' them, and that a committee be formed to report back in three years' time. For some reason only known to herself, Cllr Molestrangler immediately agreed, and pretended to take a vote, crashing her gavel with considerable force on the bejewelled fingers on Cllr Baggage, who squealed in anguish, and screamed for compensation with immediate effect!
PC Lumbersnatch mis-heard her demands, believing that a potential bicycling 'event' was on the cards, and immediately ran to her side with a pressure bandage and a large bottle of smelling salts, tinged with a questionable sort of brandy he makes at home!
At this point Dr. Norbert Iodine arrived, having been held up seeing a patient who had plied him with several single malts, and, belching softly, took over the administrations by levering PC Lumbersnatch away from the heaving chest of Ms Baggage, and placing a cold stethoscope amongst the accoutrements displayed quite prominently! This caused an even louder scream to emanate from the unfortunate lady, and while Cllr Wibble and Cllr Newt crept slowly and silently from the chamber, the meeting was abandoned.
The only sounds one could hear after the lights had been turned off, were from an enraged Cllr Basil Kalashnikov who had been locked in and was yelling to get out and that everyone must be sacked forthwith!
Nobody took any notice...
