Cool...

Some time ago, I posted a lament on how I was being attacked by MS Outlook on my PC. It was really getting up my nose, and was taking ages to respond to anything except a clenched fist, after which the whole machine went into a terminal sulk, and I had to reinstall Windows.

I also mentioned how electricity has an unusual effect on me with the few words: - "Oh and also I'm buggered if I can work out why the bottom of our frost-free freezer accumulates ice quicker that the Great Scandinavian Glacier. In fact, it may not be long before the whole of the Turrets will be encased in a bloody great blue ice cube, eventually sliding downhill and probably reaching Bodiam Castle by 2015!"

Well, it damn well nearly happened a few days ago. Our freezer is supposed to be frost free, which means that it defrosts itself and drains any water out the back.

Well it doesn't. The warranty had long run out, and we were left with a piece of kit which feebly cooled the coldest of frozen food, ice cream etc, and used to make sudden cracking noises exactly like an iceberg would do just before it breaks away from the mainland and obscures shipping, seals and penguins etc., from the telescopes of the Globule Worming brigade.

So, out with the special socket spanner attachment (actually used to lock the windows to keep marauders out), and after several 'buggers' and a large 'sod it', away we went into the ice cavern.

We were in there some cosiderable time.

Inside was the biggest piece of ice I've ever seen out of a television programme about The Arctic! No wonder Norway groans (Nil Points), because this stuff is evil! It was at least three inches thick, and wound round every crevice, wire, bracket and panel, and the drawers were struggling to stay on track! It took me three hours with Mrs S's industrial hairdryer to melt it all, and there was water all over the place.

And why? Because the manufacturers had left out the tiny plastic insert which leads the melting water out to the back of the thing! It only took about a minute to make a new one.

But at last we can now sit back, knowing that we won't get scared out of our skin at the rifle shots of cracking ice, that the icecream actually needs an icepick, and that all the broad beans Mrs S is collecting will be nice and hard for when winter makes one yearn for the balmy days of Summer!

And the paradox is that I'm saving carbon miles by freezing our own stuff, spending them by using a hairdryer for three hours, saving them by negating food miles because we keep all manner of small creations there, and spending them again by telling everyone that frost-free freezers don't always do what they say on the label...

Marmite - an enquiry into the delicacy...

As the Speaker's wife has decided that she's a Marmite person, I assume she means that she's an acquired taste - loved by some, loathed by the rest. (Isn't a 'Bercow' some sort of statuesque ladies foundation garment or something...?)

What I want to know though, is why has Marmite become so runny?

When I was a Scroblet in the years after WW2, I could generally cope with Marmite, it could burn the top of your mouth and probably was fed it because somehow it was nearly a staple then, and acceptable at any table. However, I can easily remember that when I stuck my knife into the pot, to scoop out a dollop to spread it on the bread, it would leave a sharp indentation on the surface, which would last until the next teatime, and also leave my slice of bread (sometimes cut by my dear Aunt Con, who always liked it 'stale', and would hold the loaf under her arm to slice same), in tatters with crumbs all over the table and shrieks of indignation from yours truly!

Marmite wasn't runny then!

ED was a Marmite Baby, but YD took the title with Oak Leaves, and could put a couple of points on Unilever's share price most afternoons, just before Blue Peter! Mrs S still lives on Marmite, and, after a ten year dalliance with Vegemite, I'm back on the British brown stuff with a vengeance. I even saw a limited edition 'aged' version in Tesco recently!

But, why is today's Marmite so runny?

I think Bill Bryson referred to it as 'a brown substance or paste much loved by the British', or similar. And I suppose it is really. For that matter, I never understood the appeal of corn syrup, or bagels back then, but when we were in the US last, their breakfasts in dedicated restaurants beat anything stewed up by Little Chef into a cocked crash helmet! So at least Bill B. didn't lose the attention of half the poulation, and get bashed up by the rest of us!

So the runny Marmite question still needs to be resolved!

We've tried the squeezy plastic pots, and they gum up pretty damn quick, so we're back on the jars. We've yet to try the Marmite Oat Biccies as well. But we're totally addicted to Marmite on Multi-grain Ryvita! Mrs S would kill for the same every day, and would commit a huge felony if it was ever unavailable. She is unable to shed any light on the subject, and what's worse, I'm also in a quandary, because I immediately think that it has been diluted in some way...

And that's not British is it!

Pills for all ills...

When 'Victorian Farm' was on the box, Mrs S and I immediately became addicts! We were glued to the screen at every calf born, pint brewed, field mown, and were as sad and miserable as the cast when it all folded up. Mrs S actually had to manhandle me away from watching the series for the third time, (which was actually an interesting, and enlightening experience - the manhandling that is, not missing the programme you understand...)!

So when 'Victorian Pharmacy', with the lovely Ruth Goodman in charge, was starting, we stopped the clocks, turned out the lights and silenced JRT with a juicy bone.

That was until it got into full swing. We keep going to sleep! The last one was a record as I'd started snoring by 10 past 9, and Mrs S followed soon afterwards!

It is so boring, and as John Crace says in The Grauniad, "So what we got was Victorian Pharmacy With 21st Century Health and Safety Regulations, which rather undermined the whole point of the programme."!

Not far from here, about 100 years ago, there was a Chemist just like the one they use at Blists Hill, and I have an advert which shows that he sold the following potentially dubious potions: -

Pridgeon's Moelline for the hair, Superior Old Lavender Water, Anti-tic Pills, drops for Deafness, Gout Pills, Chilblain lotion, and also a stock of other lozenges including Ipecacuanha, Tolu, Paregoric, Glycerine Jujubes, Pulmonic Wafers, etc etc...

He presumably died a happy man, and his shop is now a couple of private houses, and, judging by the average age of the inhabitants of the boneyard close by, he did a pretty good job back then!

But now we have NICE, and Elfun Saferty Brigade, Brussels rules and the Common Market (What? Ed.), and the remnants of a struggling NHS, totally mishandled by the last Labour bunch of misfits, (latterly run by an ex-work study gap year student, now after the leader's job for God's sake), and loads of foreign companies making squillions from people being ill.

Whether any of the above worry about their 'customers' getting better, presumably is not their problem. The NHS frontline staff do, but that's because they know what they're doing.

We've come a long way since chemists sold 'Woolley's Pectoral Candy', and 'Dr. Stolberg's Voice Lozenges', but don't hold your breath, as you may well need a course of 'Brown's Bronchial Trooches'.

Oh bugger; not that bloody man again...

Callers...

Having just found out that I'm the 12,113,475th person to see that all Europe will be Muslim in a few years, (courtesy of an old and trusted friend who lives safely in retirement on the edge of the seventeenth fairway on a golf course somewhere near the west coast of Ireland, - thanks a bunch Roger...), we had an interesting experience today.

Doorbell bonging - JRT going berserk - me in sandals (which JRT secretly likes, because when I'm wearing them, she knows that ten various tasty digits are close enough for a quick nip in between barks, yelps and snarls if anyone comes within thirty yards of the front door) - all a recipe for a remake of 'Reservoir dogs' - or maybe 'The Long Good Friday'; I dunno...

After some confusion, I went back and round the side way to see who it was, and Mrs S (wearing sensible shoes no soubt), had already opened said portcullis to see who it was daring to ask the time of day.

And there were two Jehovas Witnesses! As large as life, friendly earnest faces asking politely of Mrs S would like a magazine, to which she turned on 'Charm profile Number 9', (reserved for such people), and suggested that they might like to give their publication to others - any others in fact...

But when they'd gone, I remembered that they represented the very people that we should encourage in the UK! They're a nice group of people, occasionally irritating, maybe misguided, but basicly sound. So I thought carefully, weighed up the pros and cons, considered the options, listened to Mrs S gently closing the door......and carried on gardening and whistling a happy tune, which is what I do at this time of day.

Can't get caught up in too much religion at my time of life; I learned the basic rules years ago, and they're fine by me.

But if I'm ever on a bus with a bomber, I'll hand him or her, their head.

Fur story 2...

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.



Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.



Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.



Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.



Call spouse in from the garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.



Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.



Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.



Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.




10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.



Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.



Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.



Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.





14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.




15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.






How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.



2. Toss it in the air.

Smart Timber Frame men...

I've been a supporter of timber frame building for years, and although it doesn't always suit what we're doing, I rate the way the work is designed, and produced.

So let's hear it for Vince Champion!

Vince who - you ask?

Well Vince Champion was the only bloke who bothered to stop and speak to Mark Wheeldon!

Mark who - you ask?

Well, Mark was so desperate for a job, he stood at a roundabout in the pouring rain for five hours, holding a home-made placard which shouted out the fact that he wanted to work and needed a job so badly, he would have done anything. It's all here!

And these are the guys with whom Vince works, and it was he who made the effort to get Mark in out of the rain, and into what looks like a damn good job.

This news has made my week, and what's more, I hope The Smart Timber Company thrives as it deserves to!

Terry and June...

I suppose I've grown up with June Whitfield. Not in the Biblical sense you understand, but she's always been on the radio, TV, or films and I've always loved her, which now makes her a treasure as far as I'm concerned.

Who can ever forget the "Ooooooh Ron...", from 'Take it from here', which was the first radio show I ever laughed at without understanding most of the jokes, or the glint in her eye in 'Ab Fab'"!

A lady Chum, who used to teach arts and stage at the girls' school told me that in her younger days, she'd worked on the series 'Terry and June', and we all pumped her unmercifully for information on steamy scenes, tantrums, and that sort of thing.

We didn't get a bean - absolutely nothing! She kept her silence on all the rumours, and so we only have the song below to remind us about what really went on...