Basil Kalashnikov's current residence...
Councillor Sid Trumpet, who now chairs all the meetings at Sodden Prickney Parish Council, on account of Basil Kalashnikov being temporarily deranged, has decided to ban from all the council meetings, the local Sod-Pri Bugle, a silly sort of freebie paper where people sell second-hand beds, and melamine tables.
This has enraged Ms Cynthia Molestrangler, who has a reputation for faking it on several occasions, (not what I've heard - Ed), and also, funnily enough, Miss Amelia Newt, who often confuses the council meetings with whist drives, and gets very upset if she can't cheat a little with Ron Groat, her life-long squeeze, who used to run the drug trafficking franchise for the local chemist, until he was sacked for chewing tobacco on duty.
Councillor Trumpet has also banned the local BBC reporter, Jim Soap-Oprah, who has developed a particularly nasal sneer whenever he talks to the cameras.
The car-park wall is well under way, and Sagtrousers have delivered several large reels of barbed wire to the site, where feverish activity to nail it to the telegraph poles is continuing in earnest!
All in all, it's been a pretty good start to the year, and Councillor Trumpet doesn't bother with the press any more, just emailing a few mates, and telling them what's going on and stuff, and they're all quite happy!
Ms Billary is hoping for an Oscar this evening, and so is Willy Clinchton. They're both favourites for a walk-on non-speaking part in a short TV advert for something or other, which has been completely forgotten already! (Oh yes, it's the Deniercrats bid for the Sodden Prickney Council Election - Ed)
ReplyDeleteDear Sir,
May I be the first to compliment you on what is by far the most free, fair and impartial report on the local community activities that you have ever produced - so all power to your beloved Olympia portable. But remember, should you ever dare to criticise Mr Trumpet or his extremely rich colleagues, you may find yourself condemned to join Mr Soap-Harpo in the outer reaches beyond the village pond.
However, should time permit, perhaps one of your illustrious reporters could enquire (gently of course) why the Bog and Ferret next to the Supercorp Wet Market have "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here" on a loop in the public bar closed circuit tv screen, and why they continue to sell 17 year old Red Barrel libations to the ill-or-non-educated youth hereabouts. Might they perhaps be endeavouring to undermine and thwart the will of the rest of the village?
I remain, Sir,
Your faithful .. er .. whatever.
I’m still chuckling over the award shambles at the Sodden Prickney Thespians' Prize-giving. Local butcher Seymour Gristle donated prize hams for any thespian who had managed to remember their lines which I thought was pretty generous of him. Unfortunately tinctures were dispensed too freely, nobody could remember who won which award and the hams were presented to the wrong people. What larks.
ReplyDeleteSuch open and honest reporting news from Trumpton
ReplyDeleteUnlike the fake Telegraph and Times who fake it all the time!
Pip Pip!
Cheer leader Melania Trubes
Dear Mr Reevers,
ReplyDeletePlease do not mention Red Barrel ever again! Poisonous substance!
As for annoying Mr Trumpet, I'll leave that to the BBC, and he'll leave them out forever!
Yrs,
Sen O'Blene.
Mr Haart, Seymour Gristle is an enigmatic gentleman, sometimes amiable, sometimes totally manic!
ReplyDeleteThe show which was damaged by the local thespians was 'Gone with the wind' based on a menu from a local Chinese restaurant, and played out in total silence.
The tinctures were supplied by a local publican, Bilbo Narg, and he charged extra - hence the addition of pure 100% proof alcohol made by students at the local poly!
The hams apparently went back to Mr Gristle and he re-sold them as 'seconds'!
Trubes, the fake news debacle will eventually harm the UK, as the Sopel, Dymond idiots are just plain annoying and irritating.
ReplyDeleteSid will eventually tire of them after dismissing their inane diatribes!