Sandra: "Listen chaps, we have been told to investigate Norman Wibble, who apparently touched up Cynthia Molestrangler last week"!
Jack: "Not 'Norman the Doorman', surely not Sandra"?
Sandra: "The very same bloke, Jack, he's been thinking about doing it for years, according to Miss Molestrangler, and also he once whistled at Miss Newt, when she went up a ladder in her shop to get a packet of cornflakes"!
Jack: "Well bugger me, I didn't know he had it in him"!
Brian: "Norman Wibble, 69, lives with his mother. Known to everyone as 'The Doorman', as he collects doors. At last count, he had 546 stacked up on his allotment"!
Gerry: "Silly old git"!
Sandra: "Gerry, you can't call Brian a silly old git, that's out of order"!
Gerry: "Naaah, I don't mean Brian is a silly old git, I mean Norman is! He used to be in charge of the local Scout Pack"!
Sandra: "Now we're getting somewhere, Jack, get on the phone to every boy scout you've ever heard of, and take statements from them. I need to report to Strickland in half an hour"!
Jack: "Bah Goom, that's not giving me much time"!
Sandra: "Just do it Jack! Brian, I want details of every record Wibble has ever played, every time he's collected doors, and the names of the people he bought them from! Gerry, I feel like a quickie, so get into my office"!
----------------
(Three minutes later...)
Sandra: "God, Gerry, you know how to give a woman a good time! I need handwritten statements from everyone in every radio station in the country on anything which may or may not cast some light on this case! I need these by half past ten, it's nine-thirty now, so we've just got time for an action replay"!
Brian: "Silly old git"!
Jack: "Brian, just because Sandra's pulled down the blinds again, there's no need to be jealous - you would, wouldn't you"?
Brian: (wistfully) "Pullman by name, Pullman by nature, Jack"! They're all the same, these UCOS investigators, but you know, it'll all end in tears"!
Jack: (wistfully) "Yes, I know the feeling..."!
Strickland: "I need those reports by yesterday, Jack, and when Sandra's finished with Gerry, could you ask her to come to my office, I need a quickie"!
Jack: "Silly old git"!
Sandra: "Listen chaps, I've just heard that Wibble was seen enjoying a light ale and a beef sandwich in 'The Nag's Head', only seventeen years ago! We all know what that means don't we"!
Brian: "Not Agatha Molestrangler's pub! It all fits doesn't it"!
Gerry: "Agatha Molestrangler; Phwooooar"!
Jack: "Not our Agatha, surely not"!
Sandra: "The very same! Agatha Molestrangler had absolutely no connection with Cynthia Molestrangler! They were in no way related! I think we're on to something. Jack, take Gerry and go and visit her, she lives in Tenerife. I need a report by this afternoon! Brian, get in my office, I need a qui... cup of coffee!"!
Strickland: "You know it'll all end in tears"!
Sandra: "Silly old git"!
...to be continued.
With your local council messing about like this, it is no wonder your Themerama is taking ages to get off the ground. I blame the EU for insisting on having all these bossy 44DD women in the board room (should that be re-named as 'the quickie room'?).
ReplyDelete[By the way, it wasn't Jack, it was Gerry who called Norman a silly old git. Basic errors like that will result in your sordid, heavy-breathing, novellarama not being passed for publication. Ed]
You can just imagine it Reevers, all those busy little mental lightweights, whizzing around trying to look important...
ReplyDelete'The Kent Themerama' will succeed, but may take some time!
And thank you for spotting the mistake, I was so keen to get that immortal line in, that I got the wrong bloke - thanks!
I think your Themerama is coming on very well. You now know where you can get plenty of doors for nothing.
ReplyDeleteOkay, blackmail is an ugly word, but so is Clegg.
Mrs Haart, this is indeed a deep and disturbing annoyance!
ReplyDeleteThe 'Door police' are out in force as we speak, and 'Latches r us' are banging on my front door as well...
It is all very confusing I can tell you!
I wish I lived in somewhere like Wales, it would be so much easier!