Shutting up shop for t'festivities...

Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone - and thanks so much for all the good chat!


The Twelve Days of Christmas.(Traditional – well nearly)

On the first day of Christmas my Client sent to me.....One vague letter of appointment on a laughably insignificant, suspicious and possibly illegal industrial whale blubber smelters descaling and rendering-down plant on a waste tip in Nottingham.

On the second day of Christmas my Client’s solicitor delivered to me.....Two photocopies of our fee agreement with a pencil note in my client's accountant’s spidery scrawl still attached, reducing the percentage by a third. (the reference to ‘bloody liar’ was nearly rubbed out).

On the third day of Christmas my Client left (just after lunch at 3.45 pm) on my mobile ..... Three tired, emotional and totally slanderous messages about the goings on at the planning committee.

On the fourth day of Christmas my Client couriered (unpaid) to me......Four photocopies of an article showing him doing the twist (!) with a glamorous local councillor at a charity function at The Ritz.

On the fifth day of Christmas my bank sent first class registered mail to me .........Five red letters!

On the sixth day of Christmas my Client's long-suffering wife biked (c.o.d) to me.......A list of six contractors to tender, one with a golf invitation still attached, and also an extra one from her local builder who has been putting up a few things in her en-suite recently...

On the seventh day of Christmas my stupid nephew, who's training to be a Chartered Surveyor, sent to me ........A bill for seventy quid for a few grey pictures of the site taken in the rain during the evening, and seven of the inside of his car while trying to work out how the camera worked.

On the eighth day of Christmas my Client wrongly faxed to me......Eight grovelling pages of pathetic mumbling gibberish about his delay in the deal, all of which should have gone to the equity fund.

On the ninth day of Christmas my Client's agent emailed to me.......Some very nasty notices from a Mr Hideous-Ache (sounds like), Environmental Health Officer, with the intimation of impending messy legal action.

On the tenth day of Christmas my Client's idiot assistant wrongly dropped off at my neighbour's home (who eventually passed them on to me just as I was going to bed)......Eleven (he never could count) pages of queries connected with the colaterel (he never could spell either) warranties.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Client forwarded to me..........Eleven holiday snaps from Bermuda (with the glamorous councillor in a ridiculous gold lame bikini) and a new mobile number, (the other one had fallen from his Bermuda shorts pocket into the crystal-clear waters…….(so it said on the insurance form – next to the Rolex Oyster claim……..)

On the twelfth day of Christmas my Client ordered, for me to collect from Threshers.......A dozen bottles of cheap Bratislavian (country peasant blended and unfiltered) red wine to celebrate the fact that he had sold on the development at 200% profit and was cancelling our agreement.