There was uproar at the Sodden Prickney Parish Council meeting held yesterday, when Cllr Basil Kalashnikov was asked to come clean on who, within the comittee, had phoned up his step-nephew and asked for a picture of his new electric scooter!
The story had unfolded over a month earlier, when Edwina Baggage, who is the Bicycling Correspondent for the 'Sodden Prickney Bugle', (a local newspaper - Ed.), was interested in buying the machine for the son of one of her many friends as a kind of gift for being a 'real sport' at all sorts of things...
To make matters worse, (or more interesting - Ed.), Cllr Cynthia Molestrangler had been photographed visiting the premises of Countess Erasmerama Loingirder, a corsetiere of some Ugandan repute, and who has regular consultations with clients of both - er - sexes, and was wondering why Miss Molestrangler wanted such a large size as, while she isn't as wasted as she used to be, one couldn't class her as corpulent, so the big question was, who was it for...?
The photographs were undoubtedly genuine, as they had a date stamp showing the said councillor stubbing out a Capstan Full Strength on the wall before entering the blacked out shop door at 3.00pm! What was even more damning, was that our intrepid photographer managed to beetle around to the back of the shop, and there, leaning aginst the wall was the electric scooter, with a label saying £35.00 attached to the handlebars!
So after all the tiresome discussions which took up most of the meeting, Cllr Kalashnikov called for a mercy break, and went out for a smoke in the porch, only to see a certain young lad, careering down the street on the very scooter being discussed within! What was also concerning, was that the lad was none other than the wayward son of Dr Norbert Iodine, who practices medicine in the village between 3.00pm and 4.00pm on alternate Fridays! The Doctor wasn't at the meeting, as he had a golf match which he needed to attend as the club's Chief Medical Officer, so the lad had clearly obtained the scooter from an 'admirer' on the comittee, and the revelations were going to start right now...
The meeting broke up in normal disarray, with every councillor looking at each other warily, wondering if it was him or her who was the culprit! Cllr Baggage was being looked at more than the others, but as she normally gets far more attention than others, (and half the male staff at The Bugle - Ed.), despite being ashen-faced, she just shrugged her shoulders and told everybody to bugger off as is wasn't her!
The real trouble is, nobody has the faintest clue what's going on about all this, and why anyone is really bothered at all, except perhaps Mrs Baggage, who may just get a bonus, or something similar!
Betting odds on who it is: -
Cllr Basil Kalshnikov 8/1
Cllr Amelia Newt 8/1
Cllr Cynthia Molestrangler 8/1
Cllr Norman Wibble 8/1
Cllr Dr Norbert Iodine 8/1
PC Lumbersnatch 8/1
Cllr Edwina Baggage 8/1
Cllr Ron Groat 8/1
(Hardly a Ladbrokes layout is it Scrobs - Ed.)
Some years ago, Stephen Pile published this hilarious book,
There are lots of instances like 'The Worst Mishap in Stage Production', or 'The Least Successful Detective', but one item jumped out of the page, and here it is, mined from YouTube...
I give you, 'The Legendary Stardust Cowboy' 'singing' 'Paralyzed'...