To listen and laugh - 'Hoots' mon...

Reading Guido's report on the inactivity of the worst prime minister this country has had in modern times, and the list of 'speeches' he has made, reminded me, at this unearthly hour, of something that happened at a business lunch some time ago, at one of the posh hotels in town.

It was a big room, and there was a panel of property big noises, seated at a long top table, and eager to impart their superior knowledge to all and sundry, to about three hundred guests.

Our table was right at the back, in a corner, and it was an enjoyable lunch, with some great chums on the table, which seated about ten. The copious tinctures had flowed before, during, and now after the repast, while the great and the good at top table began their task of making us all feel as though we were in the presence of royalty.

So the first speaker started woffling on about yields and coupons, and we all dutifully listened and nodded sagely, occasionally twirling the wine glass stems, and signalling for more claret.

Two of my closest chums were on my left, Celine and Jan. They are both extraordinarily lovely girls, and very attractive as well. They always had to fend off gropers etc, and occasionally, at functions like this, we had to hop over and give them a hand to extricate them from an ambitious suitor. Nobody ever got hurt...

Jan and Celine worked as business development managers for two separate companies, (they still do), and I'd got to know them very well. We often made up tables of clients, funds, etc, for a damn good bit of networking, which worked very well for all of us.

Jan is very tall, and has a gorgeous figure, with striking blue eyes, and a wicked sense of humour. Whenever she walks into a room, everyone seems so much happier. We've had many laughs on countless occasions when the fun was starting, and her giggle was always the one which started everyone off. And that laugh, on rare, magic occasions, develops into an enormous 'hoot', of joy, which could usually be heard all over the room. Everyone knows when Jan is happy!

Celine is also very beautiful. She has a lovely Irish brogue, which melts your heart, and on occasions like this, is very good at serious discussion and debate, with a wide knowledge of business strategy and management. Her seriousness keeps her features almost stern and prim, except on occasions, the mask relaxes, and you are greeted with one of the most captivating smiles you've ever seen, and the fun then starts, with the biting quips and comments.

Celine's boss on the other side of the table (in fact I think Terry was the host, and he's also a good mate), but he was facing the top table, while us three and a few others had our backs to the speakers, as you do on round tables.

So the droning went on. And on. And then the microphone gave up.

The sound system was mended slightly, but not before several more crackles, thumps, and general shuffling, and the speeches were rapidly becoming a farce. Several guests went out for a fag, or the loo, and most of us just sat there, wondering if there was any more wine coming, or fiddling with the guest list.

Some of the other tables began to chat softly, Celine and Jan started whispering quietly, and I joined in on occasions, while the boring top table spouted every other word, and nobody really took any notice any more. It really was an incredibly boring end to a great occasion.

That was until the last speaker stood up.

Apparently, he was a financial analyst with some obscure mid-european bank, and spoke in a thick, gutteral voice, which was a combination of every Monty Python 'cod' accent you could think of. He was probably quite a nice man, but what with the sound system failing every few seconds, the shrieks and hisses from the microphone, the general boredom surrounding the proceedings, the aftermath of the drinks, and the occasional peek at the wristwatch or the 'brick' mobile in the girl's handbags (late 1990s), this was not going to pass by quietly...

After the very first few mangled, metallic words from the banker, we all looked at each other, and Jan's face went as if she was saying 'Ooooh'. I had to bite my bottom lip hard, and Celine started one of her smiles. Jan's face began to crease up with mirth, I had to cover my mouth, and Celine just collapsed onto the table in silent mirth. She just wouldn't stop giggling, and it became worse, because her boss was staring at her and trying not to laugh as well. By then, I was absolutely wracked with tears of laughter, and shaking uncontrollably. Jan, by then was a hopeless case, and the four of us the table were really in a disgraceful state.

It got worse then. Celine spent ages mopping her eyes, while the groaning speech moaned about this and that and the thick, unattractive voice with electronic failures just made it even funnier. Jan was an uncontrollable disaster zone. She was in the realms of hopeless laughter, and, during one lucid moment, I remembered...

The Hoot!

Oh bloody f*****g hell! If she does one of those now, we're all sunk. She's going to do one isn't she, and everyone will know it was her, and it would be unthinkable mayhem! It will be the most disastrous gathering ever, and we'll all get it in the neck, everyone will look over at us, it will be utterly shameful and we'll never be able to look them in the face again...

But we just managed to stop the giggling about a nanosecond before the hoot was due. God knows how we did it, but somehow, Celine managed to pull herself together, wipe her eyes, and stare closely at the menu. Jan was dabbing away with a serviette, and I slowly released the bottom lip, and things returned to almost normal about the time the banking bloke had grated to a halt, and we could all start clapping furiously.

I assure you dear reader, it turned into the funniest function I've ever been to, and I'd have loved it if the speaker had been this ruinous man, because I think the rest of the hall would have agreed as well...

...and that Jan could have actually done her famous 'Hoot'...!